I have to accept my marriage is over - don’t I?

[Failureandtrapped]

Increasingly the only reason I feel we’ve made it this far is because we don’t spend much time together. Dh is off this week and I can’t breathe. I feel like I could scream.
I’ve tried and tried to check back in. I really have. I care about him, I don’t want to hurt him, we have children together and he is happy. But I am not. Is my happiness with the happiness of dh and the children? I don’t know, I feel so angry and alone all the time. It’s fine when it’s just me and the dc. I just cannot pretend anymore. Where do I go from here?

I think you're under coercive control and probably spend most of your energies catering to him and trying to avoid his moods.

In a normal relationship, you could just go for a walk on your own without it being an issue, or even a conversation - and you could peacefully go without having to explain yourself or being phoned while out.

How does his "just not liking it" manifest itself? (Sulks, anger, heavy silence, sarky comments, making an unbearable atmosphere, obviously angry but refusing to admit it, aggression against objects or verbally, sharpness with the dc?)

I agree with category I think this situation is worse than you acknowlegde.

Not being able to go for a walk on your own is madness. Why does it have to be the whole family? Does he ever look after the children by himself?

How old are the children?

he’d question about it and probably phone me when I was out and I can’t be bothered with the hassle.

Why does he believe you are answerable to him, why isn't I felt like a walk on my own enough?

If your marriage is over surely you can just go for a walk OP?
If he's displeased does it matter?
Yes, I agree you should leave him. He sounds crap.

It’s probably me just not standing up for myself enough. I just feel guilty even saying it because I know he’ll say - you’ve had all day to go for a walk with the dc. And that he doesn’t like me walking on my own.

Hmm. This is a tricky one. If you're completely sure he can't/won't change then I agree it's likely he'll try to control you leaving too.

Put together a box of important financial papers in a safe place. Start making your moves to escape. Don't alert him to your plans because it's very possible he will get worse when he realises you've checked out.

What's your financial position OP? Could you afford to move to your own place? Or would you try and stay in the house.

At least, if he's off work all week, he can split the parenting a bit, can't he? Just say 'I'm glad you're off work as I need a bit of space on my own this week as I'm all peopled out at the moment'

I'm not saying a trip to the shops or a walk will solve anything, but you deserve some headspace.

So on the week he is off work he expects you to take the children on a walk with you?

Today, you could tell him you are going for a walk by yourself and you will be back shortly or X number of minutes.

You were 19 when you met him, how old was he? Has he moulded you into someone who is used to deferring to him? ie older, I know better (not saying he does)

This is coercive control, which is abuse. It's is not normal for someone to emotionally blackmail you because you want to go for a walk on your own.

Have you got any family you could lean into that you trust? You need an exit plan.

What you are saying is that he will punish you if you go out by yourself. Punishments can be subtle and wear you down.

This thread just confirms for me why some 29 yr old men choose to get into relationships with 19 year old "women".

A bit like what a fellow TEFL teacher in Japan told another male teacher about why he wanted s relationship with a Japanese woman ("because they do what I tell him").

you’ve had all day to go for a walk with the dc

Ever occurred to him that people like to go on walks/get a time out on their own. Most people understand that intuitively.

Not being able to go for a simple head-clearing walk on your own without objection, disapproval, criticism etc. is pretty high level controlling behaviour from your partner.

Why does he say he doesn't like you going for a walk on your own; is he playing the safety card?

In a normal relationship, you could just go for a walk on your own without it being an issue, or even a conversation - and you could peacefully go without having to explain yourself or being phoned while out.

This.

OP why don’t you phone women’s aid and talk it over with them? You can explain your situation and his behaviour and they can advise you as to whether it’s controlling/unacceptable

The advice here is unanimous that the atmosphere he has created in your home is controlling and I hope you realise that you should not feel guilty for wanting to have some time to yourself

OP you are conditioned to think this is ok. In my last long term relationship I stopped doing things because I knew it wasn't worth the hassle. I didn't go on a night out with just my friends unless it was unavoidable etc. His excuse for not pulling his weight at home was that he had to work. I had to look after 4 young kids by myself and do all the housework and everything. He had the financial means to hire cleaners and he would easily have helped. Now we are split, he does the same job and manages to look after the kids and the house when they are with him. I work now and my life is like a walk in the park compared to when I was a sahm.

It is never ok to have your freedom taken away from you. Or for your partner to be your boss. They will always think of reasons why they can't do something or why you shouldn't do something but you know they are not right. Does he have to ask your permission or get your approval before he dies something, goes somewhere, buys something?

@GilbertMarkham I think you messed up your pronouns, but I largely agree. Some men seek relationships with women significantly younger than them because they think those women will defer to them.

My exH was 15yrs older than me. His previous ltr was 10 yrs younger. After we split he went on to a woman 25yrs younger.

It's not necessarily a red flag for abuse, but for my ex he needed to be needed. He was very insecure.

I stayed together because of the kids, that I was scared of being alone, money etc but wish I had left years ago. Eventually my exh left me - but 18 months on it's me who is happy in a long term relationship etc - I just can't stop wondering what it would have been like if we met younger (his circumstances were very similar).

Don't rush things, get your affairs sorted first but don't wait like me, life if for living

He’s ten years older than me, so had his life sorted when we met - career, house etc.
I’m just tired of feeling like I have no say in things, he probably doesn’t see it that way. He asked me to marry him after three weeks and we were engaged in less than two months. That’s a red flag to me now.

How many children have you got OP and how old are they? You do sound as though you might be on the verge of making a big change and not putting up with it for much longer, whether that's to find a way of shaking him up and asserting yourself more or actually leaving him isn't clear. But you can't go on with it as it is, can you?

the children were talking about how they’d like a dog and dh said - who will pick up the dog mess? Because i’ll tell you who it won’t be, it won’t be me. Mummy will have to do it, that’s more a job for her

This says it all really. This is what he thinks of you and I think you agree. I had a similar pivotal moment with my ex about cleaning the toilet. I had asked him to clean up after himself and he didn't, so one day I took his hand (he wondered why - probably thought he'd got lucky, unfortunately for him there is nothing less alluring than skiddies on the toilet) and took him back in the bathroom. As soon as he realised what it was about his lordship got angry and refused to clean up. It told me all I needed to know about how he viewed me and our relationship.

I agree with PP that he is controlling - you are even blaming yourself for not standing up for yourself but this is learned behaviour. He has taught you this.

@iwantmyownicecreamvan

had asked him to clean up after himself and he didn't, so one day I took his hand (he wondered why - probably thought he'd got lucky, unfortunately for him there is nothing less alluring than skiddies on the toilet) and took him back in the bathroom. As soon as he realised what it was about his lordship got angry and refused to clean up. It told me all I needed to know about how he viewed me and our relationship.
What was the outcome? Did he go into a huge sulk? Or is all "situation normal" and you ended up cleaning it?

@iwantmyownicecreamvan my ex used to leave his skid marks in the toilet sometimes. I find that unbelievable. What adult does that? But when we were at restaurants, he would tidy up or at hotels , he would make sure everything was tidy etc and wouldn't dream of leaving a skid mark anywhere else. It is completely disrespectful, especially when they wouldn't be like that with anyone else.

He used to work away a lot and I just think what kind of man leaves his wife pregnant, with another baby and a toddler and a young child with no help when he easily has the means to do it. He would then extravagantly spend what a cleaner would cost on going out for a coffee and some cake etc. Again, he ruled the purse and there was always a reason.

I always knew it was wrong though, I was older and had had previous relationships where we were equals. However, I was 'trapped' with young kids. He was just massively insecure and it manifested itself in control. He grew up in an emotionally abusive household and he thinks of himself as unlovable and thought that unless he controlled me, I would leave.

@Happynow he huffed about on his high horse for a while and said he would do it later - the point I was making was that leaving it meant it would be harder to clean - of course he didn't do it later, I did it.

It just crystallised something in my mind and although we didn't divorce until some years later, it remains a pivotal moment in my mind - I think it was when I knew what a revolting piece of work he was at heart and that we couldn't stay together.

Sorry - deleted something in error - just like with @Sakurami's husband, mine knew it was disgustingly unacceptable and would never have done this anywhere but at home. I was the only one he expected to clean up his shit, that's how high up on his scale of respect I was.

@iwantmyownicecreamvan

Sorry - deleted something in error - just like with *@Sakurami*'s husband, mine knew it was disgustingly unacceptable and would never have done this anywhere but at home. I was the only one he expected to clean up his shit, that's how high up on his scale of respect I was.

Aarrrgghh!! How grim some people are. Hope you feel you are well rid!

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

Id be careful before letting him think you might be wanting to leave. My experience of controlling, dominating men is that they can get very nasty if they think things arent going their way. Do a bit of research into how you could leave first. My ex hid papers and financial information, moved money to other people, made things very difficult for me when he got wind of it.

This.

I was in an abusive relationship for a very long time. I met him when I was 18, and he was nearer 30. That power imbalance you describe was part of it. He hated the idea of me having any real decision making, I was treading on eggshells around him, and stopped inviting people round because he'd grump at having anyone outside the family in the house. He barely tolerated my parents or sibling coming round.

So, I planned my exit on the quiet, got copies of paperwork, found a house, got a lot of help and furniture from my family, who were all so pleased I was leaving at last, etc, etc.

And packed up and left after he went to work one day. He still doesn't know exactly where DC and I live, and they have no interest in their father at all (late teens, so they can make their own decisions, he was abusive to them, too).

I'm happier now, single, than I've been for decades. I've taken control of my own life at last.

OP, from your posts, I reckon you would be happier leaving. And children do adapt.