I have to accept my marriage is over - don’t I?

[Failureandtrapped]

Increasingly the only reason I feel we’ve made it this far is because we don’t spend much time together. Dh is off this week and I can’t breathe. I feel like I could scream.
I’ve tried and tried to check back in. I really have. I care about him, I don’t want to hurt him, we have children together and he is happy. But I am not. Is my happiness with the happiness of dh and the children? I don’t know, I feel so angry and alone all the time. It’s fine when it’s just me and the dc. I just cannot pretend anymore. Where do I go from here?

What do you think your relationship is teaching your children, OP? Would you be happy if their own relationships mirrored yours?

Children are resilient to change - how old are they? If they are young they’ll realise when they get older:

And they learn from you- wont a boy learn how to treat a woman as below him .. and a girl will learn she has to please a man at the expense of herself

Many many children are from families that have experienced divorce. I am one myself, do I feel that negatively affected me? Absolutely not, I went on to have a good education and a successful career.

I am now a single parent due to my ex partners mental health issues. Do I think it would have been preferable to stay with him for dd’s sake? Again, no way.

Read the Stately Homes thread and on there you will see the effects on adults whose parents stayed in toxic marriages and the repercussions on their ability to form functional relationships.

You have no control over money, you can’t make any decisions, you are put down in front of your children and you think they are better off living like that? No they are not. They will get older, they will notice that their family isn’t like their friends families and they will be affected in their development. You may find they blame you for staying far more than they blame their father for being a controlling arsehole. Oh and the teenage years will be hell as he tried to control their attempts at individuality and decision making.

Speak to womens aid OP for your sake and your children’s. This isn’t normal and it isn’t healthy.

Tries not tried

I tried to kid myself that my children didn’t know what was going on too. I didn’t want to face the fact that I was damaging them by staying. But of course they knew something was up. They were very small so they couldn’t articulate it but they knew. Your children know too. Children pick up vibes and atmosphere no matter how hard we try to protect them from it - and, believe me, I tried very hard indeed!

I left my abusive ex when my DCs were 4 and nearly 2. Best thing I ever did. Sometimes after my DCs have gone to bed, I sit in my living room in my lovely, quiet house that is decorated the way I like and just smile with happiness. No atmosphere, no demands, no walking on eggshells. It’s bliss.

he doesn’t like me walking on my own

You do realise how completely abnormal that is, don't you OP? He's controlling you - he's controlling you financially, too. This man is an abuser, and you need to leave him. The other posters are right: your children will be picking up on this, and the older they get, the more they will notice. You say you can't do anything to hurt your children, but your children ARE going to be hurt if you remain in this relationship. For the love of god, get out!

The big question is, OP, do you want your dc to mirror your relationship or to have healthy ones? Also, think about doing the Freedom programme (available online).

I also bet he dresses up not letting you go out for walks without him/the children as 'I care about you, I worry about you'.

When what he really means is 'I expect you would meet and talk to other men the second you are out of my sight without the children chaperoning you, and next thing you would be having an affair'.

It's all about control.

Do you work OP? If not, let that be the first thing you sort out. This will give you independence and self confidence which will lead to you being able to make decisions for yourself. I think eventually you will leave your DH, just make sure you have the means and the confidence to do it.
There will always be plenty of people onhere to support you.

I wish my parents had divorced.

OP, there is no prize for sacrificing your life to a controlling man who literally thinks your job is to pick up shit. There is no fairy godmother. There is just you, being consumed until they leave home and you're a shell.

Chances are your children don't suspect now, but they will, and they will take their relationship model from it. Children need love and stability and they can absolutely get those from two homes. The problems come when parents don't put them first in divorcing and co parenting but that's another matter.

OP, please read this thread, this will be you in 10+ years time.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3971884-I-know-it-s-abuse-so-why-am-I-finding-it-so-difficult-to-leave?msgid=98563156