I have to accept my marriage is over - don’t I?

[Failureandtrapped]

Increasingly the only reason I feel we’ve made it this far is because we don’t spend much time together. Dh is off this week and I can’t breathe. I feel like I could scream.
I’ve tried and tried to check back in. I really have. I care about him, I don’t want to hurt him, we have children together and he is happy. But I am not. Is my happiness with the happiness of dh and the children? I don’t know, I feel so angry and alone all the time. It’s fine when it’s just me and the dc. I just cannot pretend anymore. Where do I go from here?

I am really shocked he won't let you have any time on your own etc I really hope you find the courage to leave.

He selected a young 19 year old to control and abuse. You've grown up and see him for what he is now. Time to leave.

You shouldnt have to stand up for yourself, you should be an equal in the relationship and as an adult free to do what you want. You should be able to do things leaving the children with him. Are you working ? Do you have family to support you if you left? You could work on a plan to leave but dont let him suspect.

I’ve just been reading about the affects of divorce on children... I have to stay. It doesn’t matter what I want, I have to stay.

Of course you don't have to stay. For every article that says divorce affects children badly there's another that says that staying in an unhappy relationship is bad for them. Are you sure you aren't slightly biased in your reading?

But it just sounds as though you aren't ready yet. Keep talking to people, keep your options open.

Negative effects on DC of divorced parents are factual EXCEPT in houses, like yours, where abuse is/has taken place.

Have you done any reading on the effects on children when they grow up in an abusive households?

Life is short, your life and your DCs lives are precious, please don't waste them with this man.

You're making excuses because you haven't been on your own as an adult, he's always been there, but he's not your crutch holding you up, he's a dead weight pushing you down.

Divorce him for your DCs sake, honestly you will all be better off because of it.

But my children are not aware of it.
They are happy. And I know people will say yes but on some level they know... but they really don’t. They are happy. It would be like one day everything is fine... next day world blown apart.

Don't kid yourself.

Those eggshells you walk on is their pathway too.

I think they’re happy. They aren’t scared of dh or anything.
I can’t do anything that’s going to hurt my dc, I just can’t.

You will not be able to hide your unhappiness from them and they will likely copy the dynamics in future relationships.

Living with an unhappy primary carer who likely ends up depressed has long term effects.

Op you've not said how old your children are, but the older they get the more awareness they have.

Noone wants to upset their children, but in years to come they'll notice his behaviour, your subservience.
They will pick up on atmospheres, any put downs or controlling words from him.
If you think it's fine for them to take this as acceptable treatment of a partner, think again on what their expectations of love and life will be.

You may find they see thru it and you'll have kids who, when they become teens and further will be really affected by knowing their mum has never been happy.

In fact, they could end up leaving home and not looking back much earlier than you'd envisioned.

I really hope, now that you've put your situation out there, you'll be able to process it more.

Of course it's natural to research divorce, effects etc, but your so young and the next part of your life could be happier.
You really do have only one life, and you don't need to be unhappy.

Those kids will be adults one day, they will leave for university, get jobs, move away.
Don't be stuck, change it.

X

But what about when your children are older and he starts controlling them too? Won't let them go to friends' houses to play because he doesn't know the friends? Wants them to listen to him and they - being children - won't?

Will they argue back? Or will they be trained into subservience?

It's not healthy for them, or you. I know you don't want to harm them, but children are very very resilient. They adapt to new lives very very quickly and they won't have to grow up always being careful of what they do, where they go and who they talk to.

Start by having therapy for yourself and start asserting yourself with him.

Start saying "who made you the boss/decision maker"

Please do not set your DC for the same relationships where one partner is complete subservient to the other...

If you aren't ready to leave then start asserting yourself. Go for a walk alone, don't ask, just go. Don't answer when he rings.

At least then your kids will get to see a healthier dynamic (eventually) than currently

I can’t afford therapy.
I haven’t got any access to any money, well I have but it’s not much and I couldn’t afford therapy from it. I went to the gp but the waiting list is about twelve months.

"I haven't got any access to money"

Do you mean you don't have access to the family money or you just don't have enough money as a family?

Please speak to Women's Aid and please get a job so you have your own financial means

I haven’t got access to family money but even if I had he’d notice £60 a week going somewhere so it wouldn’t help me.

So the thread title has changed from having to accept your marriage is over, to now having to accept this is your lot in life.

All the best OP, I hope you can find your happiness & be content with what you have, not having what you want.

Well my love that is Financial Abuse..

Please speak to Woman's Aid, please do the Freedom Programme. Please do something. Please don't teach your DC that there are only 2 options include to either be a controlling bully or be the submissive one that is bullied and controlled.

My PILs have exactly your mindset - both are miserable, but were determined (older generation) that divorce was an absolute no-no.

As a result, their DCs were extremely impacted by this.

BIL left home at 18/19, and now views his parents almost with disdain. They do not have a good relationship.

My DW was then effectively an only child for almost 10 years. The guilt of knowing they stayed in a very unhappy relationship purely for her has had a massive effect on her as an individual.

In her case, her parents didn't hide their unhappiness (MIL packed her suitcase threatening to leave on several occasions, barricaded herself in her room with a bottle of paracetamol, among other things).

I think you're being very naive (possibly even neglectful) to assume your children know nothing of your unhappiness. and as they grow older, it will only become more obvious - no-one can mask their feelings that well.

On the flip side, my grandparents divorced in the 60's due to a very toxic relationship, when my DM was a teenager.

my DM and her brother i'm sure found this difficult to deal with at the time, but both now agree that it absolutely was the right decision for the whole family.

they were shown that unhealthy, toxic environments should not be endured, and this was a strong example to follow.

both are very happy, secure individuals, with long happy marriages.

i forgot to mention in my first post that BIL is also divorced...

Have to agree with @DiscontinuedModelHusband - you think you are hiding your feelings from your children - you won't be.

I was aware from the age of 9 that my parent's marriage wasn't as it should have been....there was zero affection between them, my mother always seemed happier when my father wasn't around. They never did anything together and there was always a low level of tension and anger coming from my mother.

My father didn't 'let' my mother learn to drive, or work...and I was aware from a young age that my mother was pissed off about the former (the latter she felt she deserved anyway, for giving him 3 children...that he didn't want).

Do I appreciate the fact my mother stayed with such a controlling man? No, I see her as a complete doormat who put with his shit ultimately for her own selfish reasons and used her children as an excuse. She didn't care about how her obvious unhappiness with him would affect her 3 children. There is nothing attractive about a martyr.

Op if you’re not willing to end your marriage you need to sit down and talk to him and start to make changes.

Firstly can you get a job, some independence, secondly start doing what you wish to do, irrelevant of whether he approves or not.

Your children are learning that the relationship you have with your dh is normal. So they will either become mini you's, picking up dog shit, or controlling bullies. Either one isn't good.

Ask yourself, would you like your dc to grow up and be in your situation, or your dh situation?

They may not hear rowing or arguments but you and your dh are their role models.

My children were unaffected by my divorce. My youngest's DC are completely unaffected by hers. It's so normal among their friends that they think nothing of it. There's nothing worse that their father mistreating their mother, even in subtle ways. Don't you thing he is setting them a massively bad example of behaviour towards women? How would you like it when he starts on them in the same way? It happened to my children and that's when I got out with them.