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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My father is cheating on my mother

55 replies

Dragonfly100 · 04/07/2020 02:14

In March I discovered my father was inappropriately messaging another woman he had met through work. I confronted him and although he denied having a typical affair he did admit to it. He then gave us excuses (pretty plausible) and he told my mum what I had found and what had being going on. My mum was obviously upset but understood everybody makes mistakes - she did however say this is the first and last time she would be forgiving anything of this nature.
I’m pretty sure my dad is now on a dodgy affair/cheating site and don’t know what to do. I am hopeful it hasn’t gone further than this website but who knows. I am disabled and rely on my parents for a lot. Do I confront him again or go straight to my mum? I’m sorry to ask for advice here but I don’t know who else to speak to, thanks.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 04/07/2020 02:17

I think keep out of it.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2020 02:20

Stay out of your parent's marriage.

MsDogLady · 04/07/2020 04:07

Dragonfly, I am sorry that you have this unfair burden. In your shoes, I would tell your mother.

BeautifulCrazy · 04/07/2020 04:11

Tell your mum. She’s the innocent one here and deserves your loyalty. Your dad had his warning already, your mum was very clear. You dad has made his choice and he knows the consequences. Sorry you’re in this situation, it must be very hard for you.

JingsMahBucket · 04/07/2020 05:10

Tell your mother. Your father was warned. While disclosing to her I would also tell her to get her financial paperwork in order.

JingsMahBucket · 04/07/2020 05:11

And tell her to get checked for STIs if they’ve had sex during this period.

mellowww · 04/07/2020 07:06

I'm really so sorry you're having this to deal with.

My instinct would be to go to your dad first. Just to establish what he's actually doing or not. If he's just sort of fantasising then I'd leave him to it. I think you can't know until you talk to him. He also needs to be reminded of how much you need them both and his what he's possibly doing is jeopardising your security and hurting you.

💐

sofato5miles · 04/07/2020 07:13

Another vote for stay out of it.

TheLegendOfZelda · 04/07/2020 07:17

How did you find out? If you were snooping, then really that's far too invested. Step back and ignore. Their marriage seems to work for them and it's none of your business how it works for them

though as I imagine it is excruciating. Stop looking. Unless your mum comes to you for support.

rawlikesushi · 04/07/2020 07:25

Stay out of it? For fucks sake. Imagine discovering that your husband was cheating and then finding out that your own daughter knew and didn't tell you. Jesus Christ, I despair at the moral compass of some.

Don't tell your dad first - you did him that favour last time and he blew it.

Tell your mum. Of course tell your mum. Give her the opportunity to decide what she wants to do, don't judge if you don't approve of her decision.

ReefTeeth · 04/07/2020 07:27

As if she could stay out of it ffs, she knows her DF is cheating on her DM. Only an arsehole would keep that secret

I would tell me my dm, not bother confronting your df again.

This information for her, to do with it what she wants. She may forgive him again and you'd need to deal with that.

rawlikesushi · 04/07/2020 07:27

And if it's right to stay out of your parents marriage, I assume that everybody here would be happy if their husband was cheating on them and your parents knew but didn't tell you.

ReefTeeth · 04/07/2020 07:30

@rawlikesushi

And if it's right to stay out of your parents marriage, I assume that everybody here would be happy if their husband was cheating on them and your parents knew but didn't tell you.

👏👏

caribooshriek · 04/07/2020 07:30

Very humiliating for your mum to hear about your dad's infidelity from you. I would stay well out of their marital problems if I were you, OP.

userabcname · 04/07/2020 07:33

I'd tell my mother no question. And if the op's father doesn't want people getting involved in his marriage then he shouldn't be publicly broadcasting on the internet that he's looking for someone else to shag. Sorry OP, sounds like a tough situation for you.

ReefTeeth · 04/07/2020 07:35

@caribooshriek

Very humiliating for your mum to hear about your dad's infidelity from you. I would stay well out of their marital problems if I were you, OP.

More humiliating than finding out OP knew and said nothing?

Surely there can't be this many people who would treat their own DM so appallingly

Longsight2019 · 04/07/2020 07:39

Would your mum be happier without him, or would the breakdown of her marriage/home/assets make her unhappier, or even miserable?

Be careful - she may end up resenting you long term.

If you’ve snooped then you should question what’s given you that right other than suspicion.

legalseagull · 04/07/2020 07:42

I can't believe people are saying stay out of it. This isn't two random friends or work colleagues. It's her parents! Could you actually sit and watch your dad doing this to your mum?

Morgan12 · 04/07/2020 07:44

Don't stay out of it! Find out for sure if he is on there and if he is then tell your mum.

AmberShadesofGold · 04/07/2020 07:47

I can't believe that people would accuse others of being arseholes for making a different choice to them in a very difficult decision and wonder why posters cannot disagree without using insults.

FWIW OP I would tell my mum - I would prioritise being open and honest myself, above protecting my dad etc. But I realise that it would be very hard to do bring such painful news to her.

rawlikesushi · 04/07/2020 09:46

"Would your mum be happier without him, or would the breakdown of her marriage/home/assets make her unhappier, or even miserable?"

I think OP's mum has the right to make that decision for herself doesn't she? She's not a child who needs other people to make her choices for her.

rawlikesushi · 04/07/2020 09:52

"I can't believe that people would accuse others of being arseholes for making a different choice to them in a very difficult decision and wonder why posters cannot disagree without using insults. "

I'm sorry you can't believe it. You must live a very sheltered life.

This is not 'a different decision' like choosing a new sofa, or whether to take a job. This is knowing that your dad is actively and publicly looking to shag other people, and wondering whether your own bloody mother - who has made it clear that she could not forgive it again - deserves to know and make choices pertaining to her own life.

I can only assume the 'stay out of it' people would rather not know if their own dh cheated, even if everyone else did - including their children, parents, friends - and it was freely broadcast on the internet. Hard to believe, but must be true.

ravenmum · 04/07/2020 09:55

We don't know if OP is a child or not, though I agree she doesn't sound like one.
Do you live with them, Dragonfly? My dd told me what she noticed when my exh was having an affair, and it was useful to help me make the decisions I needed to make. But if she hadn't been there I'm sure things would have worked out the same anyway in the end.
If my daughter had said nothing and felt bad about it, I wouldn't have liked that at all - I guess your mum also wouldn't like the idea of you sadly keeping a nasty secret? It's up to you, though - I'd say, if you will feel unhappy with a horrible secret then tell her. But you know your family best.

In future I'd also suggest making a deliberate effort not to look at your parents' phones etc. as ignorance can be bliss!

QueSera · 04/07/2020 10:00

Personally I would have to say something. Imagine how your mum would feel if she finds out at a later date and then also finds out that you knew something that you kept from her.

TheLegendOfZelda · 04/07/2020 11:02

Affair websites are not really public. Op hasn't just stumbled over this. It probably wasn't a great idea to go snooping round.

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