My father is cheating on my mother

[Dragonfly100]

In March I discovered my father was inappropriately messaging another woman he had met through work. I confronted him and although he denied having a typical affair he did admit to it. He then gave us excuses (pretty plausible) and he told my mum what I had found and what had being going on. My mum was obviously upset but understood everybody makes mistakes - she did however say this is the first and last time she would be forgiving anything of this nature.
I’m pretty sure my dad is now on a dodgy affair/cheating site and don’t know what to do. I am hopeful it hasn’t gone further than this website but who knows. I am disabled and rely on my parents for a lot. Do I confront him again or go straight to my mum? I’m sorry to ask for advice here but I don’t know who else to speak to, thanks.

[Anothernick]

The events I was taking about took place in the 1970s - there were no mobile phones or internet and checking up on what people were doing when not at home was very difficult. So proving an affair was almost impossible.

My mother was an intelligent and highly educated woman, my father had left his first wife for her, which scandalised her elderly parents who refused to attend their wedding. I think she could not bring herself to admit that she had married the wrong man and, though the evidence must have been clear to her, she chose not to see it.

[ravenmum]

Whatever the child decides to do, it is not fair to place any blame on them imho. The blame is solely on the parent who put them in that situation. The child should not feel guilty for telling, or guilty for not telling. The only person feeling bad about this should be the cheating parent.

[SoulofanAggron]

I have never really heard of that but I have known men who pretend it's the case to make women think their wife is ok with them having other relationships.

If people are in an open relationship they have decided that between them.

[TheLegendOfZelda]

I know a lot of people in open or don't ask don't tell relationships. Obviously they don't post on mn about it as it isn't really an issue.

[SoulofanAggron]

There's never/hardly ever a thread on here where a woman finds out her OH is having an affair and stays with him and lets it carry on the affair, perhaps never confronting him.

I'm not saying it mightn't occasionally happen, but it's very rare. Also, cheating men pretend to others that their wives are ok with it, when they're not, they just don't know.

[SoulofanAggron]

Because I realised that it was likely that my mother knew and had turned a blind eye for her own reasons.

@Anothernick - Obviously I don't know the details of your particular situation, but in general when people say 'she must know' I don't think the wife/partner knows and is turning a blind eye. Otherwise we wouldn't get all the threads on here where shocked women have found out stuff. And most women wouldn't be happy with what's effectively an open relationship.

[SoulofanAggron]

I think she has a right to know, so she can make informed decisions about how she wants to spend her life.

I wouldn't confront him as he might hide the evidence. Try and find evidence of him being on these sites, or whatever else he's done. Tell her what you know and say you have evidence if she wants to see it.

[LouHotel]

My mums relationship with her best friend was forever damaged because BF didn't disclose my dads cheating that she knew about it through her husband. Dad had the chance to hide money and fuck off with this OW (who promptly got cold feed and fucked off - ha)

She would have saved my mum alot of heart ache if she was honest. You dont have to take sides you can remain neutral and truthful.

[rawlikesushi]

"Looking back on it now, long after both my parents are dead, I think I was right not to get involved."

Of you denied her the opportunity to find someone who deserved her.

What made you think she already knew and turned a blind eye?

If she really already knew, having you tell her about it would have changed nothing, you can't know something twice.

It sounds like such a selfish decision to me - keep parents together, don't rock the boat.

[TheLegendOfZelda]

@SiouxWarrior

I can confirm I didn’t go ‘snooping’, we share an iPad. I am an adult but now live with my parents....

Maybe he does want you tell her and deliberately left the clue there. It might be easier for him if your mum leaves him. It's also not unreasonable that your mum knows. She may not want to break the family unit up so when you tell her bear that in mind. You'll have to be neutral so she doesn't feel pressured to make a decision she may not want to. Good luck!

I would agree with this

It's the cowardly way of leaving. If it was a family ipad you could perhaps think it was either a 'turn a blind eye' or 'let the wife find the evidence' situation, but this sounds like he stopped caring and is ready to go. Perhaps the family situation was stopping him ..but if it's you that makes the big reveal ...

[BumbleBeee69]

OP... glad you're telling your Mum

[SiouxWarrior]

I can confirm I didn’t go ‘snooping’, we share an iPad. I am an adult but now live with my parents....

Maybe he does want you tell her and deliberately left the clue there. It might be easier for him if your mum leaves him. It's also not unreasonable that your mum knows. She may not want to break the family unit up so when you tell her bear that in mind. You'll have to be neutral so she doesn't feel pressured to make a decision she may not want to. Good luck!

[Anothernick]

I was in the same position as you about 40 years ago, I discovered quite strong evidence - though not absolute proof - that my dad, who worked away during the week, was having an affair. I overheard him talking to the OW on the phone. I wrote a letter to my parents asking them, very naively as I now realise, to sort out their marriage. But then i hesitated. I thought some more and eventually tore up the letter. I never spoke about it to anyone. Why? Because I realised that it was likely that my mother knew and had turned a blind eye for her own reasons. If I had raised it she would have been forced to acknowledge it and the consequences were unpredictable and might have created a permanent rift between me and one or both parents.

Looking back on it now, long after both my parents are dead, I think I was right not to get involved.

[mellowww]

@Dragonfly100

I really appreciate all your responses, thank you. It is such a difficult situation but ultimately I just want to support my mum to the best of my ability. I can confirm I didn’t go ‘snooping’, we share an iPad. I am an adult but now live with my parents due to being ill and disabled. I’m sorry for those who suggested I “stay out of it” - I couldn’t do that, my mum is far too special for me to just knowingly let this happen to her. Also selfishly I can’t hold this burden anymore.
Thank you all again for your advice, I really needed it.

What a dear child you are. Your mum will appreciate so much what you are doing. I said initially go to your dad as I thought best to be certain before you go to your mum (in case you'd got it wrong), but if it's unmistakable then yes best to tell your mum and then she can deal with it. This must be such a worry for you, and you are carrying it all yourself. The sooner you tell her, the sooner it can get sorted out.

Good luck 💐

[Lollypop4]

I would tell your Mum.

[Bunnymumy]

The first time I wpuld have spoke to my dad first to give him a chance to explain and come clean to mum himself. This time I would go straight to my mum. I mean she's my mum, no one gets to treat her like shit, not on my watch.

[TARSCOUT]

@Dragonfly100
I'm so sad that you've been put in this position. I agree, you do need to tell your mum. How you do it I have no idea however it would in my opinion be the right thing to do.

[Mehmen]

What @Powerplant says. I’d be heartbroken if my children knew and didn’t tell me. You’re in a difficult situation

[Powerplant]

I was the mum in your situation and one of my children told me. I was so glad that they did please tell your mum.

[Busybee2912]

I’m sorry OP, I don’t envy your position

I think it’s the right thing to tell your mum.

[BertiesLanding]

Staying out of things is a horrible burden to bear. I did this and it was awful to pretend to my oblivious parent that nothing was going on. I was younger; I'd do things differently now.

[Dragonfly100]

I really appreciate all your responses, thank you. It is such a difficult situation but ultimately I just want to support my mum to the best of my ability. I can confirm I didn’t go ‘snooping’, we share an iPad. I am an adult but now live with my parents due to being ill and disabled. I’m sorry for those who suggested I “stay out of it” - I couldn’t do that, my mum is far too special for me to just knowingly let this happen to her. Also selfishly I can’t hold this burden anymore.
Thank you all again for your advice, I really needed it.

[rawlikesushi]

"Ops mum would be looking herself if she wanted to know."

It's possible she's not looking because she trusts him not to do it again.

And I know that my mum has no idea that affair/cheating sites exist, and certainly wouldn't know how to go about finding someone on there.

[PicsInRed]

If she finds out you knew and said nothing, she'll feel doubly betrayed - and her trust in both general romantic partners and blood family (her own children) will be smashed. It would break her as a person and she would struggle to ever mentally recover from such a profound family betrayal.

Tell her, then support her in how she wants and needs to handle it.

[StuffThem]

I would tell her. It's information you know she'd want to have. You wouldn't be responsible for the breakdown of their relationship, that would be purely on your dad for the choices he made.

As for the people trying to imply you'd be to blame for "going snooping" we have no idea if she's gone looking for it (so what if she has?) Or if it's just been there on a shared computer because he forgot to close the window.