My father is cheating on my mother

[Dragonfly100]

In March I discovered my father was inappropriately messaging another woman he had met through work. I confronted him and although he denied having a typical affair he did admit to it. He then gave us excuses (pretty plausible) and he told my mum what I had found and what had being going on. My mum was obviously upset but understood everybody makes mistakes - she did however say this is the first and last time she would be forgiving anything of this nature.
I’m pretty sure my dad is now on a dodgy affair/cheating site and don’t know what to do. I am hopeful it hasn’t gone further than this website but who knows. I am disabled and rely on my parents for a lot. Do I confront him again or go straight to my mum? I’m sorry to ask for advice here but I don’t know who else to speak to, thanks.

[AmberShadesofGold]

@rawlikesushi

"I can't believe that people would accuse others of being arseholes for making a different choice to them in a very difficult decision and wonder why posters cannot disagree without using insults. "

I'm sorry you can't believe it. You must live a very sheltered life.

This is not 'a different decision' like choosing a new sofa, or whether to take a job. This is knowing that your dad is actively and publicly looking to shag other people, and wondering whether your own bloody mother - who has made it clear that she could not forgive it again - deserves to know and make choices pertaining to her own life.

I can only assume the 'stay out of it' people would rather not know if their own dh cheated, even if everyone else did - including their children, parents, friends - and it was freely broadcast on the internet. Hard to believe, but must be true.

But you - very valid points - are reasons why you might make another decision. Incidentally, as I say above, I also would make the same decsiion to say something.

They are not reasons why anyone who stays out of it is an "arsehole".

[Mittens030869]

It's one thing keeping quiet if it's a work colleague cheating on his wife with another colleague. In that scenario, it would be better to stay out of it, unless the wife is a close friend.

The OP is in an impossible position, and I really don't think she'll be able to keep quiet about it with her DM. They're obviously very close and it's very likely that her DM will know that she's hiding something, so she'll be forced into telling her. So keeping quiet isn't a realistic option.

It's a really shitty position you're in, OP. But I agree with PPs saying that you should tell her. If your F then blames you for the breakdown of their marriage, remind him (and yourself) that he's the one who broke his marriage vows so he only has himself to blame.

[Flutterpieandpinkieshy]

OP

Don't say a word UNTIL you know for certain if he is or not. If he is... Its entirely your decision on what to do, personally I would tell my mom. Because I couldn't bear to sit back and watch that happen to her...

Only you know your mom and how she'd react. Do what you feel is best.

[Namenic]

I would want to know if it was my DH. Would anyone not want to know?

[TheLegendOfZelda]

I would have wanted to know first time round. After that, you stay, you know they are going to do it again, it's just whether you are now 'don't ask, don't tell'. Ops mum would be looking herself if she wanted to know

[StuffThem]

I would tell her. It's information you know she'd want to have. You wouldn't be responsible for the breakdown of their relationship, that would be purely on your dad for the choices he made.

As for the people trying to imply you'd be to blame for "going snooping" we have no idea if she's gone looking for it (so what if she has?) Or if it's just been there on a shared computer because he forgot to close the window.

[PicsInRed]

If she finds out you knew and said nothing, she'll feel doubly betrayed - and her trust in both general romantic partners and blood family (her own children) will be smashed. It would break her as a person and she would struggle to ever mentally recover from such a profound family betrayal.

Tell her, then support her in how she wants and needs to handle it.

[rawlikesushi]

"Ops mum would be looking herself if she wanted to know."

It's possible she's not looking because she trusts him not to do it again.

And I know that my mum has no idea that affair/cheating sites exist, and certainly wouldn't know how to go about finding someone on there.

[Dragonfly100]

I really appreciate all your responses, thank you. It is such a difficult situation but ultimately I just want to support my mum to the best of my ability. I can confirm I didn’t go ‘snooping’, we share an iPad. I am an adult but now live with my parents due to being ill and disabled. I’m sorry for those who suggested I “stay out of it” - I couldn’t do that, my mum is far too special for me to just knowingly let this happen to her. Also selfishly I can’t hold this burden anymore.
Thank you all again for your advice, I really needed it.

[BertiesLanding]

Staying out of things is a horrible burden to bear. I did this and it was awful to pretend to my oblivious parent that nothing was going on. I was younger; I'd do things differently now.

[Busybee2912]

I’m sorry OP, I don’t envy your position

I think it’s the right thing to tell your mum.

[Powerplant]

I was the mum in your situation and one of my children told me. I was so glad that they did please tell your mum.

[Mehmen]

What @Powerplant says. I’d be heartbroken if my children knew and didn’t tell me. You’re in a difficult situation

[TARSCOUT]

@Dragonfly100
I'm so sad that you've been put in this position. I agree, you do need to tell your mum. How you do it I have no idea however it would in my opinion be the right thing to do.

[Bunnymumy]

The first time I wpuld have spoke to my dad first to give him a chance to explain and come clean to mum himself. This time I would go straight to my mum. I mean she's my mum, no one gets to treat her like shit, not on my watch.

[Lollypop4]

I would tell your Mum.

[mellowww]

@Dragonfly100

I really appreciate all your responses, thank you. It is such a difficult situation but ultimately I just want to support my mum to the best of my ability. I can confirm I didn’t go ‘snooping’, we share an iPad. I am an adult but now live with my parents due to being ill and disabled. I’m sorry for those who suggested I “stay out of it” - I couldn’t do that, my mum is far too special for me to just knowingly let this happen to her. Also selfishly I can’t hold this burden anymore.
Thank you all again for your advice, I really needed it.

What a dear child you are. Your mum will appreciate so much what you are doing. I said initially go to your dad as I thought best to be certain before you go to your mum (in case you'd got it wrong), but if it's unmistakable then yes best to tell your mum and then she can deal with it. This must be such a worry for you, and you are carrying it all yourself. The sooner you tell her, the sooner it can get sorted out.

Good luck 💐

[Anothernick]

I was in the same position as you about 40 years ago, I discovered quite strong evidence - though not absolute proof - that my dad, who worked away during the week, was having an affair. I overheard him talking to the OW on the phone. I wrote a letter to my parents asking them, very naively as I now realise, to sort out their marriage. But then i hesitated. I thought some more and eventually tore up the letter. I never spoke about it to anyone. Why? Because I realised that it was likely that my mother knew and had turned a blind eye for her own reasons. If I had raised it she would have been forced to acknowledge it and the consequences were unpredictable and might have created a permanent rift between me and one or both parents.

Looking back on it now, long after both my parents are dead, I think I was right not to get involved.

[SiouxWarrior]

I can confirm I didn’t go ‘snooping’, we share an iPad. I am an adult but now live with my parents....

Maybe he does want you tell her and deliberately left the clue there. It might be easier for him if your mum leaves him. It's also not unreasonable that your mum knows. She may not want to break the family unit up so when you tell her bear that in mind. You'll have to be neutral so she doesn't feel pressured to make a decision she may not want to. Good luck!

[BumbleBeee69]

OP... glad you're telling your Mum

[TheLegendOfZelda]

@SiouxWarrior

I can confirm I didn’t go ‘snooping’, we share an iPad. I am an adult but now live with my parents....

Maybe he does want you tell her and deliberately left the clue there. It might be easier for him if your mum leaves him. It's also not unreasonable that your mum knows. She may not want to break the family unit up so when you tell her bear that in mind. You'll have to be neutral so she doesn't feel pressured to make a decision she may not want to. Good luck!

I would agree with this

It's the cowardly way of leaving. If it was a family ipad you could perhaps think it was either a 'turn a blind eye' or 'let the wife find the evidence' situation, but this sounds like he stopped caring and is ready to go. Perhaps the family situation was stopping him ..but if it's you that makes the big reveal ...

[rawlikesushi]

"Looking back on it now, long after both my parents are dead, I think I was right not to get involved."

Of you denied her the opportunity to find someone who deserved her.

What made you think she already knew and turned a blind eye?

If she really already knew, having you tell her about it would have changed nothing, you can't know something twice.

It sounds like such a selfish decision to me - keep parents together, don't rock the boat.

[LouHotel]

My mums relationship with her best friend was forever damaged because BF didn't disclose my dads cheating that she knew about it through her husband. Dad had the chance to hide money and fuck off with this OW (who promptly got cold feed and fucked off - ha)

She would have saved my mum alot of heart ache if she was honest. You dont have to take sides you can remain neutral and truthful.

[SoulofanAggron]

I think she has a right to know, so she can make informed decisions about how she wants to spend her life.

I wouldn't confront him as he might hide the evidence. Try and find evidence of him being on these sites, or whatever else he's done. Tell her what you know and say you have evidence if she wants to see it.

[SoulofanAggron]

Because I realised that it was likely that my mother knew and had turned a blind eye for her own reasons.

@Anothernick - Obviously I don't know the details of your particular situation, but in general when people say 'she must know' I don't think the wife/partner knows and is turning a blind eye. Otherwise we wouldn't get all the threads on here where shocked women have found out stuff. And most women wouldn't be happy with what's effectively an open relationship.