More vaguely petulant ramblings about my the annoying habits of my mother

[FrannyandZooey]

Do other people's mothers do this?

It's my birthday soon and she rang to ask what I wanted.

Me: I'd like a raincoat.
Mother: Ooh I've got a raincoat you can have!
Me: Well, I'd like a pac a mac one.
Mother: Yes, yes, I've got a pac a mac one and you can have it, it's just sitting here!
Me: Well I would like quite a smart one, that fits me nicely (mother is entirely different size to me), and is in a colour that I choose.
Mother: Oh well this one is VERY smart and when I wore it on our trip EVERYONE said how nice it was, I can send you this one!
Me: I WOULD LIKE ONE THAT I HAVE CHOSEN.
Mother : [crestfallen silence]

I have a terrible urge to ask what she wants for Christmas and then say "oooh, an X? I've got an X! You can have this one, I'll send it to you..."

arse, typo in the title. Now look what she made me do

Oh heck, i'm so tired i never even noticed

actually I have got one you can have

LOL. Very annoying! No my mother doesn't do things like that.

My mother would of said, i can let you have it for your birthday for half the price i paid for it

LOL HC

she does this all the time

I know recycling things etc is a great virtue (war generation) but she makes me feel totally profligate for wanting a new jacket that I have chosen myself to fit me

When she bought hers she didn't go to a charity shop and pick up the first one she saw, or ask around to see if anyone had an old one they didn't want

and yes I do freecycle etc but I want a NICE NEW ONE

did she grow up in the War and has a make-do-and-mend-in-overdrive attitude?
She sounds quite sweet and well meaning albeit annoying in not Hearing you.

Aw haychee that is rough

yes I know I should be pleased my mother is v generous and all that. She would give me the mac and buy me another present as well. This is kind of her. In a really annoying way

Possum she IS well meaning but she is NOT sweet

yes it is surely annoying
my sister's MIL once gave them a whole load of used videos for Christmas. when they didn't have a video player.
and indeed when the BIL worked for a video repair company
frugal is sort of attractive in concept but grim in reality

Franny, my mother likes to send round clothes that don't fit her any more. She's 4 sizes larger than me. She then rings fortnightly to ask if I've worn her latest offering. On the tip of my tongue is "when I want to look like Orphan Annie, I'll let you know", but what comes out is "not yet, but I'm sure I will have occasion to wear it".

Perhaps we are unknowingly related

out of curiosity, have you actually ever said to her "you want X, oh, I do have X, I'll pass it o to you for Christmas'.
Maybe a penny might drop if it was turned around on her?
On the other hand, some mothers are very emotionally deaf. But it might work.

Last time she visited she brought a box of encyclopedias "for ds as he loves books so much". Her friend was throwing them out. She keeps phoning to ask me if I have written a thank you letter to said friend yet. I am 35. And I haven't written the ruddy thank you letter yet, that's the worst thing, so I keep having to go "Mu-uuum, yes I WILL do it" in a teenage fashion.

Oh HC talking of presents, please tell me again how to use the lovely pearly make up thing. Do I need one of those big swirly brushes? I had a go the other night and then got scared and chickened out.

big swirly brush if you want to do blush/highlighting, across cheekbones/cleavage.
or use smaller brush to use one or other of the colours.
I use the lightest two colours plus one of the darker ones as eye shadows

I love to get second hand things btw, I get a real cheap thrill out of it.
actually, can I have it

aarh, that sounds familiar. I still relate to my mum as if I'm about 9. It doesn't seem to occur to either of us that I'm not. If you were straight with her, not aggressive, not passive, just firmly assertive and said, "Mum, those encyclopadeias are years out of date and so much better things are published these days, I really don't want DS to have them, so please, stop passing on junk to me and no I'm writing a thank you note to your friend because she didn't give me a gift, you passed on rubbish that was en route to the tip, so let's leave it there shall we?"
Bit wordy but, have you ever had such a frank conversation? or just said meekly "yes, thanks, mum" and fumed afterwards? I'm in the latter camp but working towards the former
What are you afraid would happen if you were direct with her?

yes yes I want to do cleavage highlighting, how fab

last time I tried dp caught me

"Why are you going out on your own with glitter down your top?"

"oh, it must have [small voice] fallen in there when I was doing my make up"

yy I like second hand stuff too, books and clothes and things that I will use, that I have chosen - I am always buying stuff for ds that's second hand

but just random things that the other person is clearing out - I don't want them cluttering up my house any more than they did. She brought me a load of TOWELS and TABLECLOTHS once that a friend was giving away

and HC no you can not have it. You have got one, remember?

Oh Possum I think that would be rude to say that. I really do.

well, a lot depends on tone. A gentle, non stroppy tone can diffuse blunt words a lot. My mum kept buying me hideous clothes from the sales in spite of my repeated requests "please not to bother" and then she asked why I never wore any of them. I eventually said gently, "Mum, they don't suit me, they never would, so I took them all to charity shop".
She cried, I weathered the storm and didn't back down or apologise as I hadn't actually said or done anything wrong or unkind, and she then quietened down and has since never ever bought me stuff from the sales.
Shock tactics
But gently so, in my best bedside manner tone of voice.

oh I would like towels too.
I meant the rain coat.
mine is a bit too purple.

The gently tone sounds good Possum. Unfortunately I say most things to my mother in a voice of barely restrained strangulated irritation

HC you have a purple one? What shade of purple? [speculative] Now you see if you don't try to FORCE it on me, I quite covet it

sorry I know this is a genuine gripe and you deserve sympathy but the list of your mother's cast offs is getting more and more amusingly surreal by the minute. Go on, list what else she has passed on to you. Please.
maybe you should have a red telephone on which you dial up the Emergency Charity Shop Squad, with a secret code that alerts them to a visit from your mum, so they can s round on mopeds with big reinforced bin bags and whisk the lot away pronto, leaving you with fresh cake and a cup of tea as first aid.

F&Z Lol at your OP. If any consolation, your ma may grow out of it. Mine was like yours when in her 60s (and before). Now in her 80s she has mellowed a lot and although still has some functioning grey matter between the ears, she doesn't use it against me.

Lots of my friends have lost their mothers. One is actually estranged although her mother is still alive, which is even sadder.

Have you tried gentle p*ss-taking?

NRHP - good plan... actually you could market that service at a premium.
it is royal purple as it happens.
and it folds up very small