More vaguely petulant ramblings about my the annoying habits of my mother

[FrannyandZooey]

Do other people's mothers do this?

It's my birthday soon and she rang to ask what I wanted.

Me: I'd like a raincoat.
Mother: Ooh I've got a raincoat you can have!
Me: Well, I'd like a pac a mac one.
Mother: Yes, yes, I've got a pac a mac one and you can have it, it's just sitting here!
Me: Well I would like quite a smart one, that fits me nicely (mother is entirely different size to me), and is in a colour that I choose.
Mother: Oh well this one is VERY smart and when I wore it on our trip EVERYONE said how nice it was, I can send you this one!
Me: I WOULD LIKE ONE THAT I HAVE CHOSEN.
Mother : [crestfallen silence]

I have a terrible urge to ask what she wants for Christmas and then say "oooh, an X? I've got an X! You can have this one, I'll send it to you..."

ps My mother used to bring things like empty cosmetic bottles and old boots of mine from 10 years previously and argue with me when I said I didn't want them.

HC can you send a photo of it?

This is all reminding me of Cod's mother's cold sausage. Which is why I wondered if everybody's mother did this.

I don't mind people laughing, btw. I was trying to amuse myself with it.

ElasticWoman now that is curious, what is going on there? My mum won't let me throw away my old school uniform which is rotting in her loft. I last wore it over twenty years ago. Does she think I might have a yen to re-do my A'levels?
Sobering thought, will we end up this mad with our DCs?

My 'mac in a sac' is deep imperial purple.
Not smart though. It is covered in mud from carrying tired welly booted toddlers.

I think mine sounds like her's VVVVVV
deep imperial purple

Erm a cut glass trifle dish

4 non matching soup bowls (actually I quite like those and we do use them)

This is just the stuff she really can't control herself about, and actually brings with her when she comes to see us.

when we go to visit her, it is MUCH MUCH WORSE. She stashes things away in cupboards ready for me coming, and is forever pulling me into the spare room to say "Now what do you think of THESE?" (floral curtains / slippers a mere two sizes too large / set of coasters / etc etc et fucking cetera)

I must remember to save them all for YOU next time we go, HC

I once made the mistake of gathering up a load of tat from my parents' home then allowing my mum to take it to the charity shop for me. Of course, none of it got there, she rummaged through it all, said 'oh you can't throw that out, or that, or that" hence her poor friends who dropped by were proffered hideous relics of the 1980s (purple spangly polyester leg warmers anyone? especially if you're over 60 and usually dress in Jaeger?) which they all seemed, a la Franny, to accept meekly out of mis-placed politeness.

I was mortified when i found out. Most of all that my appalling teenage dress sense was laid out before the world when i thought it had been gievn the last rites and buried with appropriate haste and secrecy.

Oh I have remembered THE BEST ONE

she brought an old diary from a few years ago for ds to scribble in

she had used it from time to time and there were entries saying how awful it was when we all came to visit her at Christmas and what a terrible time she had had

Oh god Possum that is BAD

Elasticwoman you have my sympathy too

F&Z your mother is priceless! She no doubt forgot about the unflattering entries.

Strangely, my mother has not held on to my school uniform although it would be in line with her general policy. Waste not, want not! She comes from the Depression followed by wartime austerity era. In fact, I had to play tennis at school using her brother's pre-war cat-gut tennis racquet! No wonder I was so c**p!

Still, mustn't grumble. At least she's still there for me.

Why did she have such a bad time when you all went to visit for Christmas (curious - was it because you all got her second -hand presents she didn't like???? )?

Maybe she got cross like my mother because you spent too much!

Franny I didn't know I had a sister ! My Mum is a flight away. Last time I went to stay I took dd and we had wheel on hand luggage to save time at the other end - it was just for the weekend. On the way home she insisted I take with me 5 metres of heavy cotton upholstery fabric which she'd bought in a warehouse "Because I know you like those oriental patterns so musc and it will be so useful."
I tried to resist but she insisted. it got crammed into my bag somehow but I was charged for the excess weight..which cost me more than the cost to her of the fabric...which is still in my attic .

Or when I'd just had ds3, around the time of my birthday.
"What would you like ?"
"Oooh, anything at all by Clarins, handcream ,body lotion, anything, I love Clarins."

How easy is that for a hint ?

I got something really fairly unfragrant from Hermes or something. Probably more expensive but didn't smell nice at all....

Grrrr.

My mum tried to give DD1 a size 12 jacket that she had recently bought and found was too big for her. DD1 is a very petite 10-year-old and will not be size 12 for at least another decade if ever.
I told her I would have the jacket as it was quite nice and I am an actual size 12. (Well 12/14). Oh no, she said, it will be much too small for you.
It fits.

Oh mine's well-intentioned but incredibly annoying too. After prolonged exposure (anything over 5 minutes) I have to make my excuses and leave the room. Just to find a table to gnaw on.

My mum called today and asked I I could pick them up from their next holiday- a 3 hour round trip, for me, a 20 minute taxi ride for them.
"No mum, that's the day when we go away."
"What time's your flight- couldn't you find the time?"
"No mum, we fly at lunch time and I need to get everything sorted"
"Hmmmmmmmmmmm!" I could hear her thinking selfish ***
This is only their fourth cruise so far this year fgs they can organise trips all over the place but begrudge a taxi trip of 20 minutes!

LOL at table to gnaw on

My mother also loathes buying anything she has actually been asked for by the recipient. What she thinks you would like is clearly far superior. Usually "a nice cardigan".

My mother keeps sending me cuttings from Newspapers ..........not in a ransom note type fashion i hasten to add, but just her way of giving me advice but using the fact that it has come from Good housekeeping or some other heavy wieght magazine. The thought is there, but I feel completely invaded with these freaking cuttings.

Franny my mother sounds like your mother, except that the anorack she offered me would have been repaired in several places with Duct tape and would have been a resurrected "wartime relic" never mind the being from a wartime generation . She sends things through the post in brown paper with string wrapped around it .........sure my postie thinks our family are weird, he may be right.

Can'twaitfornewterm: you definitely need some assertiveness training. Remember you're a grown up now - you don't have to do everything your mother says! Hope you told her about the excess charge and use it to refuse to do the next stupid thing she wants.
Sammac - quite right to refuse to be taxi, just wrong to feel any guilt at all at her attempt to impose on you.

Elastic you're right but it's hard..
I'm a confident 42 yo mother of 4, would you believe. The times I've managed to refuse her offerings come with such martyrdom syruped over the top that it's not worth it. Incredibly annoying. Once dh and the dcs (then 3 of them) brought the car over on the ferry for a holiday. We had a few days elsewhere then a few days with my parents. car stuffed to the gills ready to depart; mother presents a well grown clematis complete with traily bits for me to put in the boot. I did put my foot down and told her there just wasn't room in the car and to plant it herself. Cue on our next visit; "There's your lovely clematis, shame you couldn't have taken it..."

Aaaaargh.

The worst thing about it is her own mother used to irritate the f*out of her by doing exactly the same, foisting pointless and bulky unwanted items upon her, like a pair of curtains "Which would look lovely in the dining room once you've shortened them and redone the hem" etc etc.

I certainly won't be doing any of this with my own children.

Sorry to be dim, Cantwait, but I can't see what's so irritating about your mother's remark on the clematis the following year. Sort of thing that would wash over me.

When I was childless after 10 years of marriage, my mother said "Oh dear, 10 years and nothing to show for it!". When my brother announced the conception of her first grandchild when my mother was nearly 70 her reaction was "Oh, can you afford it?" Brother was 37 so if he couldn't then, he never would.

Didn't explain it well, but the remark was repeated often, always accompanied by lots of wistful sighing and "I just thought it would look nice next to your xxxxx in that bit of your garden, oh well..." I just wish I could be more impervious to the guilt trip I feel I've been pushed into taking.

On paper it sounds ridiculous and inconsequential; her buying the clematis and me having to refuse it due to the total impractability of getting it back - it was in a large pot, having grown to a fairly significant degree, sufficient to require a stake in the pot with it ! We faced a 12 hour journey home via ferry/motorway with the children. There just wasn't room for it. My irritation was because she could't see this, yet as per usual played the martyr. It would have been nasty of me to say no if I'd had any space in the car at all + a shorter journey. Fair enough to sigh and mutter then, but not on this occasion !

Cantwait: the repetition makes it easier to see how she was tryng to manipulate your feeings. She can try; she doesn't have to succeed, does she, when you can see what she's doing, and know that she's the one being unreasonable?

am heaving with laughing at F&Z's mum

tell me do you have this conversation also at Christmas:

Me: Mother, what do you want for Christmas?
Mother: I want a blank VHS tape, mine are all full.
Me: Hmm. Anything else at all?
Mother: Yes some hand cream. That basics stuff they have at Boots it's about a pound I think.

Capp YES absolutely

then one year when she said "Well I don't NEED anything, don't get me anything", I got her an Oxfam goat and she was APPALLED