Porn- a deal breaker

[anothernamejeeves]

I have heard some people on here say it would be a deal breaker for them- would it be for you?

I caught my husband watching a couple of years back. I had discussed many years before we married why I don't approve and how I hope it won't be part of our/his sex life. I don't mean masturbation just porn. I copped him again after he promised solemnly he wouldn't use it again. It set me on a bad path of self loathing and destructive behaviours which I am struggling to disengage from now if I'm honest

If it happens again I will have to walk away. Everyone I've spoke to in real life says I'm crazy and over the top. Anyone know where I'm coming from ?

These are your personal views and he has agreed to your terms.. and then cracked on anyway.

He needs to either keep to his word and stop lying or explain to you that, while he sees why you don't want him to use porn, it's ultimately his choice.

It's a dealbreaker for me. Everyone is allowed to have boundaries.

I'm torn on this. I hate it. My partner used to watch it regularly (probably addicted) and now doesn't watch it at all as he had therapy for multiple addictions.
I genuinely believe he no longer watches it, but if he ever slipped up and watched it again, I'm not sure it would be a big enough deal rip our family apart. I would be really upset though.

If it’s a dealbreaker for you then it is and you don’t need anyone else’s opinion to justify or validate that. It isn’t a small thing if it’s important to you. We all have things in our relationship which are dealbreakers. If porn isn’t one for your friends, then that’s okay; you can just tell them that it is for you and likewise there may be things you think are fine which they would not.

Yes. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

It’s wrong to impose restrictions on another person’s private wanking habits. The bizarre spiral of self loathing is a matter for you, nobody else.

Adults should have full autonomy over choices such as these. He may disagree with you entirely on your extreme views around porn, or is that not allowed? Your way on the highway, even when you are not involved?

Extremism is awful.

It will happen again, though - if somebody doesn’t think something is inherently wrong they have no proper will to stop doing it. It’s like a vegan trying to tell a meat eater who doesn’t think it’s wrong to eat meat that hey shouldn’t eat it, they just don’t really care.

Yeah, it's a dealbreaker for me.
I have a lot of problems with it, what with it normalising abusive behaviour, the potential that it's not consensual, and the fact that some guys become so reliant on it that they ruin their own sex drive.

I'm lucky in that my DP was never that into it. People often don't believe me when I say he doesn't watch porn. It's kind of sad.
He's not a perfect guy (and who is?), but porn has never been an issue between us.

It’s wrong to impose restrictions on another person’s private wanking habits. The bizarre spiral of self loathing is a matter for you, nobody else.

FGS. No-one is imposing restrictions on him. He can look at and do with his body what he likes. She doesn't need to be in a relationship with someone whose values she strongly disagrees with.

I say this as someone who is not particularly anti-porn.

I couldn’t care a less if my husband watches porn or not, I think it’s perfectly normal.

It doesnt bother me at all but it's your opinion that matters

In the end, anything is a deal breaker. There isn’t a reasonableness test really.

Porn is a problem in marriage generally because there’s a correlated aspect where your sex life suffers from your partner’s consumption. If that’s you, then I suggest you explain that to your husband in slightly oblique terms - but significant porn users aren’t great in bed and it’s part of your marriage to share sex (not always!) rather than it become solo.

I dont really care if my husband watches it or not, as long as it doesnt have an influence on our sex life.
No problems so far. I know he does watch it, not sure how much.
Im pretty sure most men watch it. And if they say they dont, they are lying

I wouldnt be bothered tbh but then I'm too tired for a lot of the time for anything myself.

If you have mentioned this and how it affects you and hes went against that, then it does show a lack of respect.

Him watching porn doesnt mean you're disgusting either so dont give it that control by thinking you're to blame. Easier said than done I know.

I hate it too. My boyfriend has promised not to watch it but I bet he still does. Can't stand men sometimes.

If you spoke about it previously and agreed it was a deal breaker, then it is a deal breaker.

It's torn my marriage apart. I understand your devastation OP. I feel like the whole world is telling us to put up with it, it's normal for men to be lying, secretive perverts. Years ago porn was for creepy weirdos in the woods. Why is it suddenly fine?

It's not a deal breaker for me
I watch it and I know my boyfriend watches it

It's just not a big deal to me

But if it is to you then that's all that matters

You came to the right place, OP. Most/many people on MN are vehemently against porn and think it’s like cheating; and seem to be very threatened by it.
They also seem to believe that there are many men out there who have never seen and are not interested in porn at all.
They firmly believe their partners dont watch it, because that’s what they tell them.

Reality is a lot more nuanced. Majority of young men have grown up with porn, and that does affect their ideas of sex, and it can create issues in their relationships once they start seeing real women.
Majority of grown men who have established sex lives - use porn to varying degrees. It’s impossible to find a man who has never seen it - any time any research into the effects of porn is attempted - researches struggle to find any participants who haven’t seen it.
So - many men watch it occasionally with no impact on their sex lives and relationships - if their partners don’t find out and make an issue of that. For these men - visuals on the screen are just that - visuals that aids masturbation - what magazines used to do for their fathers back in the day.
Same applies to women btw - who also watch it for the same reason. More than people are willing to admit.
Then, of course, - as MN would point out - there are some who become addicted and substitute sex in real life for porn. It doesn’t happen all that often - but as any addiction - it’s is destructive.

So - your attitude to porn is a choice you make. Of course - there is a philosophical question here - and that is why your preference for how another person pleases himself on his own time, why YOUR preference is more valid and more important than his own preference.
There is also an issue of insecurity that often comes up in these threads. I think women often don’t understand and can’t believe images on the screen aren’t real life competitors to them. Your partner can’t leave you for that image. A colleague, or someone at a bar that is attractive is a far more real ‘competitor’ for your man. But objecting to noticing attractive women in real life (and possibly then masturbating to fantasies of these women) would be seen as crazy. So people focus on porn instead.

I am sorry that you are feeling down about it. Logic doesn’t work for insecurities. Communication and possibly counselling may help.

Dealbreaker for me. Particularly given he knew my views 're exploitation etc, lied repeatedly, and cracked on anyway.
It consumed him to the point he was unabke/unwilling to have sex with me. (See deathgrip)
Damaged my self esteem horribly.
We've stayed together as friends and parents, as every other aspect of our relationship is kind and caring.
But he developed a nasty addiction I suppose.
He tries every now and then but I will never sleep with him again as I don't respect him. Especially given what he was viewing. NOT illegal, but to my mind, wrong and exploitative.

I’d be upset - if it didn’t stop, I think it’d be a dealbreaker for me. People have their own boundaries - and he knew this one before you got married. You have a choice to accept it or not. He has a choice to stop or not.

Personally I don’t see it as v different from live cam, strip clubs. Many people are not ok with these.

I don't think you should try to control someone else's actions; it's your issue, not his.

I

Nobody else's opinion matters, you've set a boundary, explained your reasons and your husband agreed to it.

It's up to you to decide if this is a deal-breaker.

There's a well known saying in the adult industry: Men pretend not to watch porn, women pretend to believe them.

Tell him not leave evidence lying around, and agree to stop snooping at his browser history.

This advice is on the assumption that your sex life is satisfactory. If he's leaving you unfulfilled then sneaking to the bathroom to bang one out then that's a different matter.

I've personally found people who use porn tend to be more open minded, confident and creative I bed. Provided they're out of their 20s, that is...