Porn- a deal breaker

[anothernamejeeves]

I have heard some people on here say it would be a deal breaker for them- would it be for you?

I caught my husband watching a couple of years back. I had discussed many years before we married why I don't approve and how I hope it won't be part of our/his sex life. I don't mean masturbation just porn. I copped him again after he promised solemnly he wouldn't use it again. It set me on a bad path of self loathing and destructive behaviours which I am struggling to disengage from now if I'm honest

If it happens again I will have to walk away. Everyone I've spoke to in real life says I'm crazy and over the top. Anyone know where I'm coming from ?

The other thing I hate about it is the fact that on all the big sites they are slathered with ads (with pics) for sites to pick up sex workers, live cam thumbnails etc. I don’t find it affects my self esteem one bit but has affected how I see someone who has always been fairly ‘right on’ , especially when it’s multiple times a week

If it's something you can't deal with then you have to end the relationship. Nothing else you can do.

I do think you are overreacting though over quite a minor issue if it's just the occasional use, but using your child's iPad is unacceptable. If it was a couple of times a month and was normal sex then I wouldn't bother if he was discreet, but for you if it isn't acceptable then that's all there is to it

I'm still trying to work out of it is a deal breaker for me. It's like a nuclear bomb has donated in our marriage. We've been together for forty years. There were problems with our sex life that I honestly had no idea about. I thought we could talk about anything 😢 it's the secrecy and sneaking about i can't cope with. I'm conflicted became i have no right to dictate what a person does with their own body, however there is an effect on me too. Your significant other should be that, in all things including sex, shouldn't they? I don't know. My self confidence was not as good as I thought it seems.

Interesting question and one which I have never thought about.

My current DP doesn't watch porn. He hates the abusive behaviour and question of consent. However, I've no idea if he ever watched when he was younger.

I think someone with a porn habit would be a red flag for me - in that his attitude towards women in general would be questionable and even perhaps obvious in conversation.

If I found out a partner was using porn I certainly wouldn't feel that it meant I wasn't good enough. I'd see it as they weren't good enough.

My exes were addicted to porn. My first husband would watch it all the time. There are issues surrounding porn and abuse so it destroyed my self esteem and so began my eating disorder which I have never completely gotten over. The second watched it when I was not around and the computer was full of porn. The last few years of the relationship we did not have sex and he blamed his alcoholism but the fact that he was still watching it with a large pot of vaseline next to his seat was very telling! Obviously there are other factors to consider regarding porn and the treatment of the performers etc. My fiance does not watch it. I asked him if he thought most men watched it and he said no. There are quite a few men he works with who hate it.

Three and a half years ago I would have said no.
Now it's a firm YES!
An ExP was addicted and it ruined him and us.

I dont like it....who really genuinely foesnt mind their husband making himself orgasm looking at another women ? Because that's what it is. Hes turned on by her...he is looking at her, thinking about sex with her, then cumming. Fucking great. My DH watches porn...we've had a rough year because of it....he sees it as a release, I see it as a betrayal. But I wont break my marriage up over it, as on the whole everything else is fine.

Depends really, If it's taken over your relationship and he watches porn more than he has sexual contact with you then that's a problem..if you have a healthy sex life and it's watched occasionally then I wouldn't be bothered tbh. It's when the porn replaces you, then it becomes an issue.

@sandy541

You have been together for 40 years. Clearly your relationship stood the test of time and you went through various phases of life together.
Why does it matter now how he has been wanking over the years?
Just seems mind boggling to me that a whole life together seems to be questioned over something so intensely personal - IF that actual life happy.
Whatever it is that he was missing in your sexual life - maybe he was too embarrassed to mention that, maybe he didn’t want to hurt you or push you into something he thought you wouldn’t want to do.
So - he used porn for some fantasy about that - to make sure your relationship wasn’t affected.
Why is any of that an issue really🤷🏻‍♀️

@mamato3lads

A person watching porn isn’t thinking about the people on the screen as individuals they are having sex with. Not in the same way one would think about a real person they know.
I am a female, and watch it at times when I want a quick release. Most of the time it’s a few min, it’s visual stimulation and there is an immediate reaction in the brain. Most of the time you don’t even look at the person’s face. It’s just on a primal sexual level.
I don’t think of sleeping with the man on a screen. He doesnt make me orgasm. It’s masturbation, self pleasure.

And - btw - it’s very rare that people masturbate in the absence of thoughts of sex or fantasies. Do you want to think that your H only ever thinks about you when he wanks? Never any fantasies about anyone else - from the past, present or imaginary?
Is this the sort of control you’d like to have - because it’s unrealistic to want or believe that.
Why torture yourself with that? Life is too short. It becomes easier if you accept that your partner can find other people sexy - and does on a daily basis. He may even imagine them when he wanks. Or see them on a screen.
But he chose you for a life partner. Him having sexual thoughts about other people is natural.
Just like you - when you see celebrity X you find sexy and recognise that.

I couldn’t care less. He watches, I watch. No big deal

josuk
Our relationship was effected, he says the porn use is only a recent thing, who knows? He became cold and distant. I became suspicious about his behaviour around his phone /tablet and confronted him about it . My theory is he may have got a bit bored with our sex life and found something a bit more interesting. He s denied this, did not want want to hurt me i guess. I could have dealt with this a lot better than the sneaking around he did, he's admitted he hang around downstairs pretending to watch tv and waiting for me to fall a sleep. His prerogative, but a bit of honesty would have been better. If you have to keep something a secret from your partner you probably shouldn't be doing it .

I would have said it was a deal breaker up until a few months ago when I believed DH that he never watched it. Then I found out (Thanks Google Activity!) that he’d been watching it for at least the last 8 years, probably longer. This was through periods where he wasn’t really interested in sex with me and I thought he just wasn’t that sexual anymore, only to find he’d been having sex with the help of big boobed, tight butted porn models, without me!

It was devastating to see his ‘type’ of woman too as it is the opposite of me. As a PP said, like a nuclear bomb had gone off in our marriage but after 26 years and 4 DC...........

It had led to some raw honesty about our relationship which is good thing but I will never trust him again, or believe that I turn him on.

@sandy541

Not great that he got colder and distant.
Did your sex life suffer too? Ok that case - I agree - he should have said something.

Ok it’s own - it’s probably understandable when people get a bit bored of the sex life with the same partner. And yours is a longer relationship that I can even imagine.
I can though imagine that saying it to a partner is nearly impossible. After this many years - one imagines their partner to be terribly hurt to hear such a message.
A little porn feels like a much easier and harmless solution.
Staying up till you go to bed is probably because it’s the only time where he could get where he is on his own. I presume you spend most of the day time together.
I think people should and can get their space. I personally need a fair bit of that. And it’s hard in relationships to get that time. So - I too stay up at night. Not for porn - but to read a bit or browse around. Etc.

For what it’s worth I don’t think your relationship is at a breaking point. You seem level headed and what’s needed is communication

It is for me. Every man I went with who looked at that crap turned out to be an entitled arse.

Doesn't bother me in the slightest if he watches it. I'm sure he does as I believe the vast majority of men do.

Wouldn't bother me in the least

Some really good points made here. The bottom line is, as I said to my DH, if you're going to look at porn for a wank, fine. Dont have to tell me BUT if he ever looks up someone real (I.e. not a celeb or porn star etc) I'm gone. Also if it means I get no sex, also a no go. I dont like it but I know I cant control what he does in private so all I can do is set limits and hope he respects them. I've stopped looking st internet history etc....its up.to him now to behave decently and if doesnt, knowing how I feel and bearing in mind we've been together 18 yrs, then on his conscience be it.

My DH watches porn. He’s quite open about it. As do i (now). Where as 5 years ago I was absolutely appalled by the the fact my ExDP watched it and my self esteem took a real hammering as well. When I met DH he opened his phone in front of me and boom Porn. And he was just “ yeah I got bored earlier So i had a wank” and I was so taken back by his blazé response but also his honesty about it. He explained to me that it’s not the women that he wanks too. Albeit they are gorgeous! But the actual act itself that they are performing. Which actually made a lot of sense to me. As a PP said. It’s not even down to the looks. It’s mostly the act in question.

It's absolutely the OP's choice on whether or not it's a deal breaker. The wrongs or rights of watching porn are immaterial. If the OP wants to set it as a deal breaker then she is entitled to as is her OH's right to watch it if he chooses (providing that both are aware of the consequences to the relationship either way).

I personally don't have a problem with it as it's harmless, unless he's watching it very regularly and choosing porn over sex with you

@anothernamejeeves

This isn't about whether or not we on MN find porn acceptable or a deal breaker, tbh I find these kind of starters sentences/titles just stir up a hornets nest. Some people here are fine with it, some are not. The issue here is whether or not YOU find it acceptable and it is very clear you don't, therefore there is an issue within YOUR relationship. You have already discussed this with him and he has chosen to continue. You mention

It set me on a bad path of self loathing and destructive behaviours which I am struggling to disengage from now if I'm honest

What are these behaviours? How is this affecting your life? Are you putting yourself in danger?

This is something only you and your partner can resolve. Be that in conversation together or through a therapist.

@Isitsixoclockalready I just saw your post. Totally agree

Porn is like alcohol, a lot of people use it in moderation without any problem but a few become addicted and it can destroy lives and relationships.
I'm a guy and I watch porn quite often but I also have an active and fulfilling sex life with my DW. We have watched it together in the past, though not recently. I don't see it as a problem. I have no desire to interact with anyone I see in a porn clip, its not about cheating, it's just mental images which stimulate me during sex and masturbation.
If your man is ready willing and able to do what you what sexually and he isn't cheating then my advice would be to relax and don't worry if he is using porn, which he probably is.

40 something female here. I watch porn myself from time to time.

Porn is acting. James Bond is acting, albeit better acting. If l made a comprehensive list of dealbreakers, porn would not be on it.