Porn- a deal breaker

[anothernamejeeves]

I have heard some people on here say it would be a deal breaker for them- would it be for you?

I caught my husband watching a couple of years back. I had discussed many years before we married why I don't approve and how I hope it won't be part of our/his sex life. I don't mean masturbation just porn. I copped him again after he promised solemnly he wouldn't use it again. It set me on a bad path of self loathing and destructive behaviours which I am struggling to disengage from now if I'm honest

If it happens again I will have to walk away. Everyone I've spoke to in real life says I'm crazy and over the top. Anyone know where I'm coming from ?

We all have things we get off on if we allow ourselves. If I said kinky chat with other men turned me on it wouldnt make it okay just because it turns me on. The whole 'well porn isn't cheating because it's not real' is bullshit. They are real people who your other half is using to perform an intimate sexual act

No snooping involved. First time came up on shared history when finding a programme for my dS on iPad
Second time literally caught red handedly
And PLEASE don't start with that 'all men look' shit. All men do NOT look. It's like saying all women love baking/babies/shoes and are incapable of hard graft. Bloody insulting

@anothernamejeeves - you put your finger on it. Men often reserve this privilege for themselves.

The truth is more like women don’t realise that you can say exactly what you said on the same basis. Women like words. They like to imagine things and need to fantasise to men saying such things.

And you aren’t going to sleep with them - it’s just for wanking by yourself.

Such a thing cuts across the intimacy you both have. But no complaints!

To be honest, most men watch/look at porn. Do I like it, no, is it a dealbreaker no, as long as it's legal stuff of course. No idea if new dp uses it, but exh did and it was part of his litany of complaints when he left me that I didn't like porn

Urgh. Porn is grim. I'd find his lack of concern for the possible coercion and violence toward the female participants really off-putting, and it would completely turn me off such a man as a person. In my experience, to paraphrase to a previous poster, I have found people who watch porn lacking in empathy, fearful of real intimacy and wilfully ignorant of the word of the industry they support.

My recent ex was open about porn use, seemed to like bukaree to wank to ( not when I was around). Was not a deal breaker as as far as I could tell it didn't affect his abilities in the bedroom, if it had I'd of ended it. He was of the opinion that all men use it regularly and the ones that say they don't are lying. I pointed out for a fact that I had experience of dating people who don't, but that fell on deaf ears.
Not sure if the difference in our social status was a factor to his opinion, very much tied into blue collar laddish whatapps groups, posting each other regular base porn clips that were meant to be 'funnier' the more extreme and outrageous they were 🤔( can't imagine the scientists and engineers, teachers,lecturers etc I'd dated wasted their time sharing such crap) I got to a point of refusing to look - he was too willing to show me ( animals, no thanks!!).
I tried to educate him as to why this stuff is wrong, but some will never see.
Anyway, we eventually split for unrelated reasons, kind of. Though I think ultimately, one rule for the lads and another rule for the lassies may have contributed, as well as a belief that women who do certain behaviours must be easy, rather than possibly being abused in some way at the time.
It never and hasn't affected my self esteem, I don't compare myself to them as they are not reality, chances are you're other half won't quite have the physique or youth of some of the men in it either, so it cuts both ways.
Was always a sapiophile previously, but went more for chemistry and looks last time for a change. Don't think that turned out too well, some fun times so I don't regret but not much in common and big differences in views on some aspect of life, especially about how some women are treated.

Using porn is a deal breaker for me. Several things are deal breakers for me (voting Tory, driving a Range Rover, etc.), and if other people find this unreasonable they don’t have to have a relationship with me.

It’s about respecting my values and my boundaries. Lying about using porn would be a serious lack of respect. I’m not inclined to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect me.

I enjoy watching porn and so does my dp. The only time I've had an issue is when it has impacted our sex life, I explained this to him and he reduced his consumption and it no longer has an impact our sex life.

I think you would be hard pushed to find a male who doesn't like to watch porn occasionally.

It’s interesting though- how often would you mumsnetters describe as’occasional’ . Thing is I could live with ‘occasional’ much as I don’t much like it but I see occasional as maybe twice a month or so - and that’s not what I have found in my case— what do people here feel is occasional??

Maybe as a tool to masturbate to when I'm not available occasionally I could ' put up with' and not dwell on. If I'm available and it were used instead of me I'd be unimpressed and run for the hills. Any man who gets to prefer it to the real thing is a no go.

Why does “I don’t want you to watch porn you must comply” automatically trump “I want to watch porn you must comply”?

Wow it's like reading something I would write . I'm exactly the same as you op . I discussed it With my partner before we got together how much I hated it and if he watched it not for us to start anything , he said he didn't 😂 how naive was I . Last year ended up finding him watching it . I was so hurt and betrayed it actaully felt to me like he cheated . Thought I was disgusting . Took me months to feel
Ok about myself again but still a year on and I still think about it and feel how sad as I did at the time . I got a lot of bad history work prom with an ex that's what started me off about hating it . Anyways he was really sorry . More like sorry for being caught promises me that he would never do it again . I kind of believe him but then I have my doubts bur he knows that if I ever find it again it would be over . No second chances I literally would throw ten years of us away x

It’s really worth remembering that a generation ago that men who openly uses porn where considered perverts (note this was men and women). And some of the things here like bestiality are illegal. They still are and always were. The number of men who are convicted of possessing extreme material goes up every year. This isn’t some nicety that people have forgotten about - certain pornography is illegal. And men who show you bestiality have problems enough!

Porn doesn’t mean that someone is necessarily a bad husband. But you should pay attention to such habits. They tell you something about the man you live with!

How much - well if you aren’t having the sex life you want and your partner is the spare room, you need a talk. Your needs for sex are where porn can be a problem.

Watching porn regularly is extreme.

It’s just been normalized by the Internet and at the moment we are in a transition as a society. We can get more humane and respectful of each other, and reduce people being exploited sexually, or we become less humane. It’s our choice and it does start in the home.

If OPs husband was spending an hour each day upstairs wanking over porn magazines it would get really tedious too but probably not half as dodgy as internet porn.

Deal breaker and you are not alone OP. Sex is amazing. Porn is utter seedy shite.

^'They are real people who your other half is using to perform an intimate sexual act'*

Not really, they're real people but it's not like they're doing anything to him personally in the flesh, a hand job or anything.

'And PLEASE don't start with that 'all men look' shit. All men do NOT look.'

Oh but they do, they really do. Show me a man who claims he's never looked at porn in his life, and I'll show you a liar.

I kind of agree with @MMmomDD . Porn is somewhat problematic as a feminist. It's daft to feel bad about some porn actresses being more attractive than us though. It'd be like being gutted and self harming over the fact we don't look like Scarlett Johansson.

You wrote previous threads didn't you OP, on the same topic? Have you sought any new therapy or anything? Not saying you need help because you feel the way you do about porn (that's just a difference of opinion) but you're not happy and seem to be finding it difficult to find a way forward.

'It’s really worth remembering that a generation ago that men who openly uses porn where considered perverts (note this was men and women).

@LexMitior Where, and by whom? We've had porn since the dawn of time. We wouldn't talk about it (as many people still don't, despite using it, because sex/masturbation is somewhat taboo) but that doesn't mean people who use it were seen as perverts. A bit seedy maybe, but the dirty magazines were passed around between the boys at school etc.

The Romans had freizes of people shagging. There's also been the Kama Sutra and stuff. All over the world, people using drawings etc to help them get off, from time immemorial.

I'd just like to say, this oddly has been the thread I needed to make me feel better. Last relationship came to an abrupt end due to crazy circumstances, not my choice at the time, but I can see how decisions and choices ex made to end things, were possibly impacted by negative re-enforcement that porn use imparts regarding objectifying women. Kinda re-enfoces to me that I'm better off out if it ultimately. Hmm...thanks OP for posting on this. I hope you can find a way to separate your self-esteem from porn use. It always says more about the man, than the woman they are with.

Not a deal breaker for me no. I know my DP watches porn occasionally. But I can absolutely understand why it would be a dealbraker for others.

Since one of the top 10 searches on pornhub is “teen” (often in the top 5 and sometimes the absolute top), and I have teenage daughters, my husband would be out on his ear if he watched it. It would be a child protection matter, as far as I’m concerned, and I would say that to anyone who said I was overreacting.

I know a woman who ended her relationship because of what her partner was watching. When he took her to court for more contact time with their kids she gave as evidence copies of his searches. “Schoolgirl painal” was the one he’d left open on the family computer - and to this day he’s wondered why his kids don’t want to see him...

It’s a dark and dangerous addiction and well done every woman and man who protects children from exposure to it.

There’s a difference between ever having seen porn and using it currently. Sure many might have watched it at some time in the past but it doesn’t mean that they currently do. If it’s a dealbreaker, then it’s a dealbreaker - it’s just as much a dealbreaker for the DH as for the OP. For his side, it would be that he needs to be in a relationship that accepts porn.

Everyone is allowed to have boundaries.

The fact that you had spoken to him about his porn usage, and he CONTINUED to do it (knowing how it made you feel) goes way beyond "just watching porn". In my opinion, that demonstrates a total disregard for your feelings and emotions.

source - my boyfriend left me MID dtd last summer, to go downstairs and "get a drink" .... he never returned .... the drink never actually happened, I found him downstairs on the sofa having "a good time" (shall we say!) to a home video he had made with his EX GF!!!! So I know how emotionally destructive the behaviours can be. PM me any time if you want s chat x

You are perfectly entitled to set your boundaries wherever you wish. The problem here is that your dp doesn't share your views, and while he might try to abstain to keep you happy, he will likely slip because he doesn't see the harm in it so if it's a deal breaker ultimately you will split up. However what concerned me about your op is your mention of self loathing. Your dp's porn use is his issue, it isn't any reflection on you and I think you need to try to seperate yourself from it. So many women make themselves miserable because they gain a bit of weight or because their partners use porn, it's sad to see women so lacking in confidence and miserable about their own normal, healthy bodies.

Totally a deal breaker with me. I could never be with someone who does not see the misogyny, the exploitation, the trafficking involved in the porn industry. It absolutely repulses me. Ask him to read through Click Off's website and Not Buying It. If he's broken his word it sounds like he is addicted. I'd run a mile and find a decent man (they are out there!)

@Interestedwoman - that would be in Soho 30 years ago. Such men were good business but also objects of derision. All I point out is that this view has changed in a generation in Britain. I remember how it’s use was policed and criminalised.

I therefore take a dry eyed view about how normal it’s considered now. A rich man’s roman totty fresco is not the same, imo.

I agree with the posts that say it's nuanced.

I don't like porn and am not interested in watching it. But I don't feel threatened by it. Lots of men watch it. Whether we like it or not. I think there's just lots to talk about. Why is it a dealbreaker? Why self-loathing? What is your sex life like? Do you feel wanted by him? How is your relationship otherwise? Would you really end a relationship because of this?