Thinking about leaving my wife

[DaveJones1]

Hi guys,
I need an outside opinion on my situation, my wife and I have a 4-year-old girl and 1-year old boy and I’m getting more and more tempted to jump ship!
Our first child hit us like a tsunami, we thought we were ready but colic and undiagnosed lactose intolerance showed us otherwise. The first year of our daughter’s life felt like hell, I’m sure many know the feeling, almost zero sleep, constant crying and screaming, wife had PND quite severe and I had some extreme guilt having to go to work in the morning. Anyway, we survived (barely) and a few years later my son joined the tribe.
In a desperate attempt to prevent another round of PND we fed the second on a bottle, and I did every single night shift for the first 7 months of his life (slept on the sofa downstairs so he wouldn’t wake my other half). Then after a glorious 3-4 hours sleep head to work for the day.

Anyway fast forward to today, I now do all the early mornings (wake up around 5-6am with the kids) and wife wakes up at 9am so I can go work (I now work from home), when I finish I help with cleaning up while wife feeds the children, I bath them (wife wont) and she puts them to bed. Then I cook her dinner, wash the dishes, put a load of laundry in, watch 20 minutes of TV and go to bed.

I’m beginning to wonder what I’m doing here, I get less sleep, less free time (wife gets to stay up late and watch TV, phone etc every night), I do all my own laundry/ironing, make all the meals for us, take out the rubbish, clean the kitchen, the usual DIY stuff, manage the bills and do the shopping. I get zero say in how the little ones are raised or disciplined, and wife won’t allow anyone (not even my mother) to babysit so we can have a night off.
I’m certainly not some man boy craving a single life, I work very hard to provide a good life for us and was in complete support for her to quit her job to be a full-time mum, I take pride in that, but this feels like I’m being taken for a mug. I feel like I get nothing from her, I would love it if she ever bothered to so much as make me a cuppa, even our sex life is INSANELY infrequent and boring (she admits to this and refuses to do anything about it, apparently I’m lucky to even have one?). We have spent 100+ hours talking about it, so many arguments and compromises from me but I’m running out of patience and energy.

Am I a monster for thinking about leaving? I feel that she’s a decent mum but turned into a terrible partner. She refuses counselling or outside help and I can’t help but start to wonder what it would be like to live alone and split the childcare. I want my kids to have a great life, and to be there for them as much as possible, but I don’t know if I can cope in this house anymore and never have any time off or intimacy.

I think I’d the genders were reversed everyone would tell you to LTB. So maybe that’s the only advise you need.

That wouldn’t be a life I’d choose

Hi before you leave why don’t you do less around the house let her get up on weekends and get out by yourself get a hobby or see friends see if that helps if it doesn’t sit her down tell her why you want out if she won’t make an effort look for somewhere to live first then tell her you want shared custody she might get a fright and make more effort as she won’t have you carrying her and she might have to work for a living if you can cope living apart from your dc then why not do it. If this was the other way around she would be told Ltb but before you go try and get your life back be a bit selfish remind her she’s a stay at home and you have a full time job and have to have a bit of you time self care good luck

You don’t need permission to leave if you’re unhappy. It sounds like you’ve been very vocal and open about how you feel. If she won’t change or meet you half way you have your answer really.

What does she say about the unbalanced split in childcare/housework/work? If the issue has been raised and shes not bothered maybe u need to give her a surprise and let get on with it alone. As pp said if roles were reversed youd be told to LTB

How is she treating her PND as it sounds like that is where she is right now?

You sound like a good husband to be honest. I had a bastard of a husband, but one thing he was good at was keeping the place ticking over while I sat and waned.

I think a split might be in your best interests. How do you think she will cope with having to bath them some nights? My concern is that she sounds like she still has depression.

I know it's in sickness and in health. If you think she's utterly taking the piss, fine, leave - if there's a lingering thought that maybe she still has depression (all the signs frankly), then maybe give it another shot if she will go to the GP (you may need to actually go to the effort of making this appointment for her and booking her a taxi there and back if she is as I think she is).

I don’t get it. Because she is a SAHM and you work, you think she works less than you?
Yes, you wake up with the kids. She sleeps till you need to start working, then she takes over two small kids. When you finish work, you clean, she feeds the kids. You cook the meal for you both while she puts the kids to bed.
Get a dishwasher, so you don’t have to do the dishes. Come on, putting a load on takes 2 minutes.

Seems fair to me. What annoys the shit out of me is the fact you expect her to pander to your ego. The woman is shattered. She has/had PND. She’s touched out. And you’re in a huff because she won’t make you tea and that the sex life is not exciting enough?! Not enough recognition/stroking of the ego?

Listen, having children is a thankless job. It’s hard work. It’s tiring. No one gets a medal. Support each other through hard times.

Parenting and marriage are a partnership, you should be working together for a better life for all. What you describe is one sided and she sounds either depressed or lazy. If she isn’t doing anything to work on her depression and isn’t listening to what your saying it will never be a partnership. Therefore you are within your rights to leave.

Can you try counselling before doing anything drastic though?

If she's depressed then you need to get her help before you leave. If she's just being lazy then yanbu. I wish I'd had someone like you mucking in with the little ones I really do. I am like you, I do it all.

Sounds miserable. I don't blame you.

I think you need to sit down and have a conversation about you leaving. Make it clear that you aren’t threatening her and you aren’t blaming her but you can’t do it anymore. Tell her that you would really like to work on improving the situation together but if she doesn’t want to then you need to make arrangements together for you to leave.

I think she's lost her way. Stay at home Mum or part time where your Husband /Wife works out of the home for the most part takes teamwork. Your work is to earn the money, her work is to look after the children and the home. When you come home in the evening you swap so you can enjoy your children and she gets a bit of time away from them..kids stuff all day is hard and a tad boring. You enjoy an evening meal and some couple time. You're a team though..you've got eachothers back. Talk, Talk, Talk..she's unhappy or bored for some reason.

For reference - speaking only from experience having suffered from PND and depression unrelated to birth. Still suffering from the latter.
That means:
I sleep all day, up all night (can't sleep).
I have no desire to do anything.
I will do nothing.
My body actively sort of shuts down when I try to force it to do something.
Then my mind kicks in and I just don't.
So the dishes aren't washed, the bins haven't been taken out - the last time I had a cooked meal I was in hospital.

I am a previously capable woman e.g.

Up 5am, into gym gear, brush teeth, coffee, cig, go to work.
Arrive for 7am yoga class at Liverpool st.
9am started work
5.30pm finished work
Home
Polished, ironed etc.
Teeth, face cleansing routine, hand cream and nail routine
Bed with a book for about a paragraph until I fell asleep.

Now?
Up
Sit on arse
Go to bed
Sleep

The latter is depression.

You might get a better work/life balance if you went back to working outside the home. I think a lot of people who work from home fall into the same trap as you, that there is no real division or break in your day, so it all seems like just one long domestic slog.
Also it would give you & your wife a break from each other, give you new things to talk about, add a bit of interest to your conversations etc.

It never fails to amaze me how a woman gets sympathy, praise and choruses of "LTB" on threads such as this.. yet when it's a guy it's often the opposite, and people drag out every excuse to defend the poor old wife.
OP, the life you describe is not making you happy, or her by the sounds of it. You've tried talking things through. Leave and find happiness, life is too short!

You've found yourself a fanny lodger and she's taking the absolute piss.

Leave the bastard.

If she still has pnd then that needs to be treated. You don't say. It all depends on whether she is sick or lazy.

I have to cross the road sometime in the next hour or two to get tobacco. I am dreading it. There is a fear in my tummy of it.

Depression is a fucking dreadful cunt to have. I look like something out of One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest.

I'm just not coping on my own (probably why I stayed with abusive ex for so long - 7 years of being beaten).

Insist on equal leisure time, her attitude about that request tells you all you need to know and I have been very depressed at points including suicidal and on anti psychotic drugs...

That's either a lazy partner or a very depressed one. Only you can know really which you think it is.

The thing that strikes me from your post is that you've spent hours talking about it, she refuses counselling, she refuses outside help, she refuses to even let your mum babysit so you get a night off.

So there you go, nothing will change unless you change it. She's telling you loud and clear - either shut up or fuck off.

I couldn't live like you've described and I wouldn't blame you for issuing an ultimatum or just ending it now.

Really feel for you. However, I feel she’s in the grips of PND. They reason I think this is because she won’t bath the children.

You may have to take drastic action to change the situation. She needs to be on board too x

Never mind PND, she sounds like a bitch...

@SeasidePebbles

Come on, it is a bit more than just having to wash the dishes and mediocre sex. From the sounds of it, he has to do a large amount of housework, bath the kids, cook the tea, do the night shifts with the baby, take care of both kids in the mornings while his wife has a lie in until 9. Be honest, if the roles were reversed you your advice would be to leave the relationship.

OP, I am also wondering if your wife still has depression?