Thinking about leaving my wife

[DaveJones1]

Hi guys,
I need an outside opinion on my situation, my wife and I have a 4-year-old girl and 1-year old boy and I’m getting more and more tempted to jump ship!
Our first child hit us like a tsunami, we thought we were ready but colic and undiagnosed lactose intolerance showed us otherwise. The first year of our daughter’s life felt like hell, I’m sure many know the feeling, almost zero sleep, constant crying and screaming, wife had PND quite severe and I had some extreme guilt having to go to work in the morning. Anyway, we survived (barely) and a few years later my son joined the tribe.
In a desperate attempt to prevent another round of PND we fed the second on a bottle, and I did every single night shift for the first 7 months of his life (slept on the sofa downstairs so he wouldn’t wake my other half). Then after a glorious 3-4 hours sleep head to work for the day.

Anyway fast forward to today, I now do all the early mornings (wake up around 5-6am with the kids) and wife wakes up at 9am so I can go work (I now work from home), when I finish I help with cleaning up while wife feeds the children, I bath them (wife wont) and she puts them to bed. Then I cook her dinner, wash the dishes, put a load of laundry in, watch 20 minutes of TV and go to bed.

I’m beginning to wonder what I’m doing here, I get less sleep, less free time (wife gets to stay up late and watch TV, phone etc every night), I do all my own laundry/ironing, make all the meals for us, take out the rubbish, clean the kitchen, the usual DIY stuff, manage the bills and do the shopping. I get zero say in how the little ones are raised or disciplined, and wife won’t allow anyone (not even my mother) to babysit so we can have a night off.
I’m certainly not some man boy craving a single life, I work very hard to provide a good life for us and was in complete support for her to quit her job to be a full-time mum, I take pride in that, but this feels like I’m being taken for a mug. I feel like I get nothing from her, I would love it if she ever bothered to so much as make me a cuppa, even our sex life is INSANELY infrequent and boring (she admits to this and refuses to do anything about it, apparently I’m lucky to even have one?). We have spent 100+ hours talking about it, so many arguments and compromises from me but I’m running out of patience and energy.

Am I a monster for thinking about leaving? I feel that she’s a decent mum but turned into a terrible partner. She refuses counselling or outside help and I can’t help but start to wonder what it would be like to live alone and split the childcare. I want my kids to have a great life, and to be there for them as much as possible, but I don’t know if I can cope in this house anymore and never have any time off or intimacy.

@AtrociousCircumstance

Glad you noticed the truth of the matter too of his carefully crafted, "I'm doing everything and she's a lazy cow (my dick has sadz)" post.

She’s not a lazy cow, she’s asking for equal input in raising two kids. But the main point of his thread is: ‘me, me, me’, I do stuff around the house, where is my pedestal, shall I leave her because she won’t even make me a cup of tea and give me sex. Right. There is nothing in this world I find more off putting than a man who thinks because he does domestic chores he deserves to be waited on hand and foot and have the sex on tap.
It simply does not work like that. She is a human being, not an appliance. But, I suppose, in order to respect the one next to you, one must have self respect.

I'd leave for her telling you to 'man up'. Anyone who's ever said that/believes in it is a sexist dick ime. Seems the thinks she can wallow in a permanent state of whatever mood she's in but you aren't allowed to falter one bit.

Sexes reversed, you'd have had scores of posters telling you to leave...

I'm not quite sure what to make of this truthfully.

I think she is either extremely lazy and entitled and taking advantage of you and you should probably leave OR the medication isn't strong enough and she is still depressed.

The issue I suppose is working out which it is and considering if you can cope.

For me, I have anxiety and depression, it fluctuates in severity and when I am particularly bad I find myself wanting to sleep the day away and struggling to sleep at night.
I have little to no motivation to do much, not even shower or brush my hair.
I also wouldn't be very comfortable with anyone else looking after the children, I would allow it but I would worry.

It sounds to me more like she is depressed really but only you know your wife

"I feel that she’s a decent mum but turned into a terrible partner. She refuses counselling or outside help and I can’t help but start to wonder what it would be like to live alone and split the childcare. "

Tell her. And tell her that the price for negotiation is relationship counselling and that THIS IS NON-NEGOTIABLE. IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, otherwise, you are leaving.

The counsellor will be quite tough on her over this lopsided arrangement I think.

I think you have been too accommodating, too nice, and she takes you completely for granted and that she has lost respect for you. Respect is closely linked to love @DaveJones1

Fuck that. She needs to wake up or learn how great life is on her own. Time for treating you as a useful appendage IS OVER.

You sound like a lovely bloke and she is not appreciating you enough.

Regarding the PND or other anxiety and depression?

What cured me was action. Sitting around is the worst thing. Getting up, getting a life, getting an activity, getting on with it. There is an increasing body of research that says sport/activity are better at addressing depression than ADs.

I had a great therapist who I will be forever grateful to. He said: 'when is this self pity going to stop?' and 'When are you going to grow up?'.

And yes, it was the answer. Growing the f8 up. Not ADs, adulting. Later when I had got my shit together, he told me it he was hard on me because I was worth it and he was damned if he was going to see an intelligent woman paralysed and whining her life away.

This is no way to live, OP. You deserve to be happy.

I had a great therapist who I will be forever grateful to. He said: 'when is this self pity going to stop?' and 'When are you going to grow up?'

My DH says shit like this sometimes.
I am quite sure he is trying to help but it just makes me feel even worse.
I tend to burst into tears or become even more 'spacey'

This doesn't ring true to me, and you're happy to leave your kids for a better life for yourself?

Of course the early years are hard, they are hard for everyone. But personally I'd rather just get through it than abandon my family.

I may get slaughtered by the MN jury but can you take up a sport or activity that necessitates a weekend morning? It would be good for you to a) have something else and b) push a morning minding the DC onto your wife. Maybe become a MAMIL?

Forgetting the past, your day doesn't sound that different to many people's. When you've minded kids all day and done housework, you don't feel like doing more in the evening. I think it's a bit different if you've been doing something else that day (e.g. work). Does your wife do laundry and housework when you're working, or is your evening housework the only stuff being done?

Parents all over the country will recognise the "one does bath/bed while the other makes dinner" routine. It's often the parent who hasn't had them all day who does the bath routine.

Divorce is ugly and school is around the corner for one child. Life becomes seriously easier soon. I would think about nursery a few days a week, maybe a part-time job for your wife if she wants and a gradual retreat from the toddler years asap.

This doesn't ring true to me, and you're happy to leave your kids for a better life for yourself?

What should he do then, if he feels he is at breaking point?

If this were a woman writing this - she is the breadwinner, does all.night feeds, gets up at 6am to sort the kids out before going to work while her DH has a lie in and gets up at 9am, she then works all day, then in the evening cooks dinner, puts the washing on and baths the kids what would you say? Would you tell her that her poor husband is touched out from a day looking after the children, that whoop De doo she does some chores in the evening big deal and to just get on with it, DH is probably depressed?

Would you tell her, like some have here, to pay for a cleaner, buy a big washing machine and tumble dryer and dish washer and then pay for the kids to go to nursery a couple of times a week to give husband some alone time and then tell her to buy a family gym membership and take DH there for a break every Saturday plus book him into a yoga class during the week as he needs the break?

Not one single poster would say that to a woman in this position. They would tell her that the DH is a cocklodger and to LTB

Anyway fast forward to today, I now do all the early mornings (wake up around 5-6am with the kids) and wife wakes up at 9am so I can go work (I now work from home), when I finish I help with cleaning up while wife feeds the children, I bath them (wife wont) and she puts them to bed. Then I cook her dinner, wash the dishes, put a load of laundry in, watch 20 minutes of TV and go to bed.

This is from the op. Those of you saying it's usual to share tasks in the evening - what exactly is being shared? The wife feeds the children and puts them to bed - that's it. Once op has bathed them he then cooks wife dinner - why isn't she cooking dinner while he baths them?

PND or not, he isn't happy in the relationship. She could have sought out counselling or support but has chosen not to, and I see it doesn't prevent her from going out for drinks with her mates, just from doing housework conveniently.

I have been you OP, although as a woman. Taking on the vast majority of every single responsibility and task was exhausting and it's so selfish and disrespectful for one partner to sit back and watch the other break their back whilst not contributing emotionally or practically. I doubt she will change - why would she when she already has everything her own way.

OP, only you know the ins and outs of your relationship but I wonder if she's doing any work that you don't see and would miss of it stopped being done? Possibly not, but with thinking about seriously. It's always easier to be aware of what you're doing and less aware of the weight your partner is pulling.

A wise friend once said to me that if you think you're doing 75% of the work in a relationship, you're probably doing roughly your 50% share. That's stuck with me and I do recall it before having a go at my DH!

Is there anything positive you can say about her/the relationship? It really doesn't sound like you like her very much.

This.

Whilst I do think doing all the night feeds was not fair at all. Or every weekend morning. Just cut these in half and don’t be a martyr.

All the rest of your post OP does sound very me me I do everything. And yet you don’t. She’s not sitting around in the evening she feeds the kids and puts them to bed. I know my DP would say he puts our DS to bed every night and it takes hours - whilst I watch tv. The reality is he makes it take 1.5 hours as he’s on his phone and playing around - it takes me 20 minutes. And he’s not home until 15 minutes before DSs bedtime. And I get up 1 hour before everyone and get DS up and DP doesn’t even see DS in the morning.

It feels like either:

You as a couple did love each other very much, however through sheer hard work you are both in a terrible impasse where you both think the other one is doing everything and are getting bitter and snipey. In which case this is salvageable. Couples counseling might really help.

You just want out. You want more sex and can’t bear the responsibility anymore. So you will not look at solving problems.

All the rest of your post OP does sound very me me I do everything. And yet you don’t. She’s not sitting around in the evening she feeds the kids and puts them to bed.

Oh woohoo. How can you say op doesn't do everything? He cooks the dinner, baths the kids, does the washing up. His wife feeds the kids and puts them to bed. Why doesn't she cook dinner while he's bathing them? Or do the washing up after he's cooked dinner?

And he slept on the sofa for 7 months so the baby didn't wake his wife.

If she won’t go to the doctor and find out if she has depression, there’s not really much you can do I’m afraid. If she’s not depressed, she just sounds like a lazy cow to be honest.

Is she still suffering from PND?

She feeds them and puts them to bed every evening. You cook dinner and do baths. That sounds a fair share

Yeah, and gets up at 5 am to look after the kids before a day’s work while she lies in her pit for another 4 hours!

I’ve had depression, PND and otherwise myself. Unlike some others I don’t see all this as down to depression. I think she’s just treating you like a mug OP.

You can move in with me

Leave the lazy bitch

Accountant222 il fight you for him🤣🤣🤣