Thinking about leaving my wife

[DaveJones1]

Hi guys,
I need an outside opinion on my situation, my wife and I have a 4-year-old girl and 1-year old boy and I’m getting more and more tempted to jump ship!
Our first child hit us like a tsunami, we thought we were ready but colic and undiagnosed lactose intolerance showed us otherwise. The first year of our daughter’s life felt like hell, I’m sure many know the feeling, almost zero sleep, constant crying and screaming, wife had PND quite severe and I had some extreme guilt having to go to work in the morning. Anyway, we survived (barely) and a few years later my son joined the tribe.
In a desperate attempt to prevent another round of PND we fed the second on a bottle, and I did every single night shift for the first 7 months of his life (slept on the sofa downstairs so he wouldn’t wake my other half). Then after a glorious 3-4 hours sleep head to work for the day.

Anyway fast forward to today, I now do all the early mornings (wake up around 5-6am with the kids) and wife wakes up at 9am so I can go work (I now work from home), when I finish I help with cleaning up while wife feeds the children, I bath them (wife wont) and she puts them to bed. Then I cook her dinner, wash the dishes, put a load of laundry in, watch 20 minutes of TV and go to bed.

I’m beginning to wonder what I’m doing here, I get less sleep, less free time (wife gets to stay up late and watch TV, phone etc every night), I do all my own laundry/ironing, make all the meals for us, take out the rubbish, clean the kitchen, the usual DIY stuff, manage the bills and do the shopping. I get zero say in how the little ones are raised or disciplined, and wife won’t allow anyone (not even my mother) to babysit so we can have a night off.
I’m certainly not some man boy craving a single life, I work very hard to provide a good life for us and was in complete support for her to quit her job to be a full-time mum, I take pride in that, but this feels like I’m being taken for a mug. I feel like I get nothing from her, I would love it if she ever bothered to so much as make me a cuppa, even our sex life is INSANELY infrequent and boring (she admits to this and refuses to do anything about it, apparently I’m lucky to even have one?). We have spent 100+ hours talking about it, so many arguments and compromises from me but I’m running out of patience and energy.

Am I a monster for thinking about leaving? I feel that she’s a decent mum but turned into a terrible partner. She refuses counselling or outside help and I can’t help but start to wonder what it would be like to live alone and split the childcare. I want my kids to have a great life, and to be there for them as much as possible, but I don’t know if I can cope in this house anymore and never have any time off or intimacy.

Tbh, the life you are describing is that most wives/mothers in the world. It’s grinding, hard work. Millions of women do it every day for ungrateful, lazy men.

It’s not a life I’d choose. I’d leave. However, this life is sadly a reality for too many women. I almost wonder if this is a reverse, as I’ve genuinely never come across a man who does wife work on this scale.

It sounds shit OP. You say she’d fight you and you’d only see them on weekends. That may be what she says at the start but she’d be doing an awful lot more work than she is now so she might change her mind when faced with the reality.

My DH ex was a big fan of the “all marriage is soul destroyingly miserable and no one is actually happy behind closed doors” ethos. It’s bullocks. Being in a relationship is meant to make life happier, easier, more fun than not. Yes we sign up for better or worse but if your spouse has checked out they’ve broken their side of the bargain and you can’t be expected to put up with being unhappy for the rest of your life. It’s okay to end it and you don’t want your children growing up thinking this dynamic is normal or desirable.

Although tbh, it sounds like your wife is depressed and has given up, rather than is lazy and ungrateful.

How does she sound like a bitch? Evening chores sound equally split, and she has the kids in the day. You should be splitting lie ins at the weekend however.

Why only lie ins at the weekend? Why not be splitting night feeds plus lie ins during the week too? How does her being a SAHM mean she gets to sleep all night every night plus a lie in until 9am every day plus never having to cook?

So what is she doing between the hours of 9am and 6pm while you are working. You left that part out for some reason.

@RantyAnty I thought it was self explanitory, looking after the kids of course. I dont for one minute think I have a more difficult job by working, I know damn well she has one of the hardest jobs in the world and I have an easier time during the day, believe me I get reminded of this on a daily basis.

Sounds like you have supported her which is great. PND is awful.
Have you spoken to your wife? Explained how you feel?

It’s not all about what you both do at home she’s not making any efforts with you her husband you can get childcare it’s her whose stopping you going out as a couple and yes you can socialise when depressed but she’s choosing to do it with friends and not her husband as a woman I’m in a similar situation but the one thing I do is get out with friends now & again and don’t do the chores as much as I did. could you not go away for a couple of days have a bit of headspace she might miss you and realise that it’s hard work being alone.

Is there anything positive you can say about her/the relationship? It really doesn't sound like you like her very much.

Our DS is younger than your kids and DH has been on paternity leave whilst I've been back to work full time. I do pretty much all that you do (including nights with endless wake ups), although he does our dinner most nights. But I encourage him to go out and see friends and keep up with his hobbies, as I really believe that being home with kids during the day is much harder work than working out of the home. I don't begrudge him that time and he encourages me to have the same. It seems like somewhere your team dynamic has gotten lost and she's simply not being a great teammate to you at the moment. That needs to change - YANBU

@DaveJones1 Not really, as you managed to paint her as some lazy mean ungrateful witch who spends her days eating bon bons while you slave away, when the reality you're just put out that you have had to do things before and after your working hours like millions of women do every day plus she is doing it with PND.

And you got through with the first DC and decided to have another one so what is different this time?

Also wonder if this is a reverse.

My guess this is mostly about your lack of sex.

Prioritise your children.

Could you revisit the idea of dates / nights out without children and see if that helps? I know you say she's not keen but what if you try to encourage her again and see if she changes her mind?

You need to go to bed at the same time, together. It's a key indicator of a marriage surviving and you wife needs to understand that.

Your weekday sounds grim, but it's common for lots of people to have a fairly grim time with small children. What do you do at weekends?

Also, why does your wife refuse to bath the children?

I'd love to hear her side of the story

Evening chores sound equally split, and she has the kids in the day. You should be splitting lie ins at the weekend however.

It's not actually usual for the person doing all the night feeds to also be one doing the early mornings. It is unusual for either partner to be the one to sleep all night and then also have a lie in every day, whether they are the SAHP or the one going out to work. That is unfair and I do think that if the genders were reversed the posters criticizing OP here would be screaming LTB.

Ok. Firstly the ages of your kids is insanely hard. Is the eldest at school yet? When they get to school it does get a lot easier! You’re talking about things like doing the laundry but to be honest, I do the laundry for a family of 4 and it’s not a big deal. Chucking a few loads in a few times a week takes about 15 minutes tops then transferring to the tumble dryer another 15 mins. That’s a total of half hour per week. If it’s takinv longer than that to chuck in and out, you’re doing it wrong. Get all the mod cons. Tumble dryer. 8kg washer. Big dishwasher. One of those automatic vacuum cleaners. I can get a room hoovered, dishwasher loaded and a load of washing on in less than half hour. How are finances? Get a cleaner in twice per week for two hours a time to clean bathrooms etc. Do this for the next 6 months to take the pressure off. Go to the shop called Cook and stock up on large family sized meals for the freezer. Are the kids being bathed every night? Stop that. Not needed. Quick bath one night then next night baby wipe the smelly bits. You really need to start finding cheats and tips to make housework/childcare easier. A lot of the things you do can probably be left or dropped or buy in the help for 6 months to see if it makes things easier. Divorce is expensive so it’s worth doing to see if it can be avoided. Do you do ironing. Nope. The only thing that gets ironed in our house is school t shirts. If it needs ironing it gets given to a charity shop. If you have funds then I also suggest finding a family friendly gym that has a crèche. But a family membership. Every Saturday morning book them in for an hour (initially) while you and your wife go for a swim and a coffee. This will change your life. If you haven’t got the money try and find it for a year. I’m telling you all this because there are things you can try before you chuck the towel in. Does your 4 year old go to school or preschool? If not then that needs changing. They should be out of the house at least 3 days per week at that age. When mine were 1 they were going 2 mornings per week because everybody needs utter quiet for a few hours a week. Do that and book your wife into yoga or meditation. She needs other things outside of the house and kids to find her joie de vive again.

Do have an honest talk with your wife to tell her where you are at, so she is aware how serious it is. Counselling is a good idea, switching some chores around, seeing the GP for the depression. Maybe she would also like to re-start her career: you could try to scale back 1 or 2 days?

Life would probably be a lot harder for both of you if you split (greater cost paying for 2xaccomodation + transport etc). I hope she will engage

What are your nights like at the moment OP? Do kids wake you up often? The nights will get better eventually but maybe not just yet...

@RantyAnty wtf? Touch a nerve did he? The dw is taking the piss.

I've been a sahp for years with a full time working dh, he's done his fair share of night feeds, especially with our twins, his alertness was never more important than mine. But it's all about team work isn't it?

'I know damn well she has one of the hardest jobs in the world and I have an easier time during the day, believe me I get reminded of this on a daily basis.'

Lol!

I think she takes you for granted and assumes you'll carry on with the stuff you do.

Someone can be depressed and still enjoy a night out- I'd suggest you say to her that she could go back to the docs and they can try a different medication. She could also have therapy. If she won't admit she has a problem (or if there genuinely isn't one) then there's nothing you can do to make her seek help.

She doesn't sound very nice. If she doesn't make improvements soon, I would leave.

That's either a lazy partner or a very depressed one. Only you can know really which you think it is.

Yes this.

The split of chores in the evenings sounds reasonable (assuming she does something useful for the family while you do bath and cooking?) but the mornings and nights absolutely does not, the fact she stays up late and then lies in while you get up is not on.

What does she say when you point out the imbalance of free time/sleep?

She’s caring for the kids all day and that means a relentlessness and lack of space you can only imagine really, until you’ve done it week in week out.

What you wrote about your sex life makes you sound like an arsehole. She is looking after a one year old baby and a toddler all day, is exhausted and touched out, is recovering from PND...your expectations are skewed.

Leave her if you want. But it won’t be the actions of a good man. Not with the kids this tiny, and things still in such flux.

I think you should take the children and go. Or ask your wife to leave. Either way it sounds like you are the only constant parent to your children and you need to keep them safe.

Wow! Got to say you sound like an amazing dad who cares for his family.

My instinct is like some others here that you give her an ultimatum. If she is prepared to get help and take part
more on parenting then great, otherwise you should leave. As a parent who does the majority of childcare I get that must be incredibly hard. You want the best for your family...have you sought legal advice?

Does the 4 year old go to nursery?