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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is being unhappy a good enough reason to leave?

64 replies

Suzie0003 · 10/10/2019 14:10

As my title says really, we've been together 12 years and have grown apart. I feel I've changed as a person and he hasn't, he's still the same person as he was 12 years ago.

There's no abuse in our marriage we're just unhappy. I'm unhappy because I'm not attracted to him, I don't enjoy his company and we no longer have anything in common. It's horrible seeing that written down but it's true. He feels rejected which to be fair he's entitled to because I do reject him regularly.

We have 3 children together and we jointly own our home. I guess my question is is it wrong to throw away an OK relationship just because I feel unsatisfied? We're both in our early 30s and have alot of years left to live and to be honest the idea of spending all those years ahead of me with him brings me down.

He's a good man, hardworking, Affectionate and loyal and I'm sure he will make someone really happy but I just don't think that person is me.

Any words of advice?

OP posts:

Cherrypicker01 · 10/10/2019 14:15

Yes, it’s perfectly okay to. It seems quite common that relationships run their course and people grow apart. But if you aren’t happy then that’s not living is it? If you stayed there would you look back on your life towards the end and regret it?

Shoxfordian · 10/10/2019 14:16

It doesn't sound like you love him so you should consider divorce

AryaStarkWolf · 10/10/2019 14:16

Have you tried working on it? Most relationships go through bad patches and feeling out of love, especially after kids etc

Being unhappy is of course enough of a reason to split up though if you really feel there is no way through it

marvellousnightforamooncup · 10/10/2019 14:16

Why be unhappy for the rest of your life if you don't have to be?

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 10/10/2019 14:18

Yes I definatley would regret staying, I want more from life than this. Its just breaking the news to him and splitting our little family which is so hard. I don't want to hurt him or my children. I've been putting it off for years

OP posts:

Servalan · 10/10/2019 14:21

I would try counselling so long as the marriage is not abusive in any way, and see whether there is any middle ground.

However, if there is no middle ground and you continue to be unhappy then I don't think it is wrong to end the marriage.

NabooThatsWho · 10/10/2019 14:22

People change over the years, it’s normal. What made you happy 10 years ago might not make you happy now.

Do you think counselling might help? Or are you just ‘done’?

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 10/10/2019 14:22

We have tried working on it several times but within a couple of weeks we're back in a rut again

OP posts:

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 10/10/2019 14:23

I've suggested marriage counselling but he won't go, doesn't see an issue with how we are.

OP posts:

doublebarrellednurse · 10/10/2019 14:29

What have you done together to re bond and re connect. It's normal to lose each other.

Gottman has some great stuff online about it.

It's not unreasonable to leave but you could be throwing something away which could be great again with some effort from you both.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/10/2019 14:32

I've suggested marriage counselling but he won't go, doesn't see an issue with how we are.

Probably time to leave then, if he isn't even prepared to admit there's an issue or listen to you

MancaroniCheese · 10/10/2019 14:33

Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't make you happy.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 10/10/2019 14:33

Counselling can form the basis for a split that is as amicable as possible as well as help repair a marriage. A good marital counsellor doesn't take a "fix the marriage at all costs" approach.

I've got to say, I don't understand all these men who don't want to split but also totally refuse counselling. What reason does he give for not doing it? Does he realise what the consequences may be? It's not like you'll be less likely to leave him if he won't go.

You can always pursue counselling on your own. It can be a really helpful space and springboard for you to decide what YOU want.

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 10/10/2019 14:40

My husband keeps going in and out of counselling to fix himself etc but never lasts more than 3 sessions, he always quits once he's opened up about something and then doesn't go back. It's frustrating. He's still very much into playing computer games with online friends and going out drinking whereas I've grown out of all that and want to do different things. There's nothing in common which we can do to reconnect it all seems so hopeless and pointless continuing. I feel my whole adult life I've been a wife and a mum but surely there's more to me than that and I want to find out.

OP posts:

giantwatermelon · 10/10/2019 14:47

@Suzie0003 I know a lot of people are telling you leave. But just to warn you, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's so hard to be a single parent. It puts you and your kids in a different socio economic group. It's hard to work and then see all your money go on childcare. That's not to say It's impossible. But speaking from my point of view. It's very very very hard. And there's no way I signed up to do this on my own.

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 10/10/2019 14:50

I understand that, I really do. I've been looking into finances and help I'd be entitled to etc. I just don't know what to do for the best. I feel leaving would be such a selfish decision but I'm just so unhappy

OP posts:

Baguetteaboutit · 10/10/2019 14:51

I feel my whole adult life I've been a wife and a mum but surely there's more to me than that and I want to find out.

Are you certain that you are unhappy with him and not life, in general?

user1481840227 · 10/10/2019 14:56

It's a good reason to leave. It's also brave and shows that you value yourself and your happiness, also it gives your partner a chance to find someone that is happy with them too.

beachandcocktails · 10/10/2019 14:59

Oh god it's so tough isn't it. I really feel for you. No one should ever stay in a relationship they're unhappy in just to avoid hurting other people, that's not fair on you or them. However one thing I will say though is do be 100% sure that you've tried everything. I once felt like you did, I was honestly convinced in my head that it was over and it was just a matter of time. However when it got so bad that we did talk about separating, it was like a massive wake up call for me and it made me realise I actually did love him after all. I was absolutely heartbroken at the thought of splitting up. Don't let it get so that it's too far gone and then you realise that actually the grass isn't greener after all.

I've suggested marriage counselling but he won't go, doesn't see an issue with how we are

This concerns me though. He may not see an issue but you clearly do and if he truly loves you then he should be happy to put the work in to improve your marriage. I think you need to be completely honest with him, tell him that for you, it's got so bad that you've thought about ending your marriage. If he really cares enough then he'll want to go to counselling and try everything to fix it. If he isn't prepared to.. then you have your answer x

Idontwanttotalk · 10/10/2019 15:04

It's a perfectly valid reason to leave. If you've tried to fix things and it can't be done then it's okay to leave. Life is too short to spend the rest of it unhappy.

"I don't want to hurt him or my children."
Sadly, they will inevitably be hurt but will they be hurt more if you stay longer and resentment builds up.

Quartz2208 · 10/10/2019 15:07

I think this is more complicated - you tell him you are unhappy and because he is (how often does he play computer games and go out drinking) he doesnt want to change. You cant keep trying everything if he wont

So you feel it is all your fault. I think at the very least a trial separation might help here

Gemma1971 · 10/10/2019 15:16

Have a look at this similarish thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3712576-Should-i-leave-my-wife-if-i-still-love-her

user1481840227 · 10/10/2019 15:26

Going to counseling himself several times and not sticking to it would stress me out a lot too about the future. How will he cope with issues in the future if he hasn't dealt with ones from his past?

Ferretyone · 10/10/2019 15:30

@Suzie0003

Can nothing be done? RELATE?

Otherwise the dilemma that many of us face is "is the alternative worse?"

madcatladyforever · 10/10/2019 15:33

Well he's a good person and you have three kids together. Can you manage on your own financially. What will the children do or feel with their father gone?
The grass isn't greener. Maybe a new bloke won't like your kids or they him. Your could find someone abusive, have money problems or anything.
The answer to boredom isn't destroying your entire family and going off with a new bloke. It's finding something g interesting to do which occupies your spare time and that you love.
At least try counselling first.
There aren't many decent blokes out there and nobody will love your children like their own father.
I'd look at the reasons why you are unhappy. You can't possibly expect a man to make you happy. You have to find that yourself.

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