Should i leave my wife if i still love her?

[UnsureHusband]

Where do I start?

Im posting on here after reading some other threads in the hope that I get some similar honest and non judgemental feedback.

Ive been with my wife for 18 years married for 14 and we have 3 kids at Primary school.
I love her but dont feel like im in love with her any more. we dont argue much and we treat each other well but the spark just isnt there. However she is my best friend and i am absolutely torn about what to do.
For some time now ive felt like i want a life of my own, i want to go "do me". But dont mistake that with seeing other people because Im not interested in that.
At the moment we are ships in the night as i work days and she works nights and any free time we have together we do a family or couple thing. On the rare occasions i get to do something by myself the guilt is crippling.

Im so lost i dont know what to do, if i leave her i would break her heart. We would both only get half of our kids time however it does feel like sometimes we are 2 singles parents living together at the moment.
Im worried how she would cope. Im worried how it will affect our kids and what they would think of me.

Do i stay for another 15 years until the kids have moved out? Doesnt seem right, id be Miserable and wasting 15 years of her life. Whos needs do i prioritize first? Mine, hers, the kids?

The biggest confusing thing in all this is i do love my wife and i really dont know what to do.
Any help from anyone thats been in a similar situation appreciated

[forumdonkey]

Wow, really? What exactly is it that you want to do on your own that you can't do married? I assume you'll still be taking care of your DC's and having them overnight so your DW can still work or will you support her financially so she doesn't have to?

[Ratcatcher9]

Your post is contradictory in that you say in your free time, you do things as a couple or as a family, and yet a bit further down you say you sometimes feel like two single parents living together.

I do think it's reasonable for each of you to have some time separate from each other and.or the family - just a few hours out with a friend or your own family (sibling, mum, dad, whoever you have really) and it can be stifling to feel that every spare minute must be spent as a couple or a family. Could you talk to your wife about that? What is it exactly that you want to do separately? How does she react if you want an evening out with friends, for example?

It's a good sign that you still love her though. I don't necessarily think a spark can last forever to be honest. I think you'd be mistaken if you leave her just because of that.

[Orangepearl]

Can you afford 2 separate households with 3 kids to a standard that you find acceptable is the question?

[Oly4]

Is it just that you need some time to yourself? If so you need to tell your wife that you desperately need time to yourself and that she does too, and carve out time each week where you both get a break.
If it’s that you want to be free to travel and do your own thing 24/7 then yes, I think you’ll regret it. The damage you will do to your relationship with your kids won’t be worth it.
Have you told your wife how you feel at all? She might be more understanding than you think. Or maybe you could go for couples counselling?
It seems sad to leave somebody you still love

[TrueFriendsStabYouInTheFront]

"Do me"??? I think you're going to get a bit of a flaming OP. If I'm being honest, I'm just reading that and the word I am thinking is, selfish.

Surely you can't think it fair that you just wander off and "do you". Are you gonna take the kids with you? Does your wife ever get to "do her"? What work are you putting into the marriage to stop you feeling like a passing ship in the night?

It sounds a bit like you just want to go and live a feckless life without burden, like you're getting cold feet about the life you have chosen for yourself. There is a lot of sacrifice when you have children as you know, and part of that is freedom. But what is stopping you walking out the front door, and what is it you want to do so badly that you're prepared to split the family over it?

Be honest with yourself, is this about your wife, or is this about you? The grass is very rarely greener.

[TooTrueToBeGood]

It can't be impossible for you (both) to find time to do your own thing. If different shifts are stifling your relationship then look to change your working patterns.

I suspect you are really just not trying hard enough. Besides, if you do leave, I bet the grass will really not be greener on the other side. You'll probably be skint for starters and you don't (or shouldn't) stop being a parent just because you live apart. So you won't have as much free time as you probably think you would and you won't be able to afford half the things you'd like.

[Thegullfromhull]

What do you want to do? Precisely?

[Mumteedum]

Have you talked to her? Not the "I love you but not in love with you" as I don't think that's helpful, but honestly about what you want?

You sound like you've lost yourself and your connection. Can you talk and agree some time to 'do you' guilt free if you reciprocate?

Maybe she'd appreciate having some time to connect with what made her 'her' too... The woman you fell in love with.

I read a v helpful book (on attachment theory.. Not necessarily something you'd want to read) but it talked a lot about effective communication. How to express your needs without judgement.

It doesn't sound irredeemable to me.

[lexiepuppy]

Have you tried reigniting the spark back up? Canb you try and go on date nights, get intimate, spice things up a bit?
Look at the 5 love languages, you can see online via a quiz or buy the book.
Maybe try some relationship counselling before you part.
I divorced my husband and I still loved him, but he was abusive and was having an affair. We were together 18 years and I feel like I wasted a lot of my life being controlled, abused and he was with another woman!
I had to stay, my daughter was chronically ill and she needed stability.
Things can change with the ebb and Flo of life. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Have you had an honest talk with your wife?

[OrangeHue]

Do what makes you happy. Life is too short.

[Techway]

How old are you? I just think you are in a rut and have lost the connection with your wife. Working opposite ends of the day is bound to have an impact on both of you.

It is definitely possible to get the spark back and I don't think the grass would be greener. A few months of going cycling, fishing or the gym whenever you would would lose its shine.

Having a partner who is your best friend is something to value. A long marriage needs faith and work during the hard times...and working all hours and looking after 3 children is hard work.

Divorce can be awful, especially if there is no abuse and I would never advocate leaving without trying everything first. You could have such regrets..if you have only just felt this in 18 years then I think you are fortunate and it seems fixable.



Have you spoken to your wife?

[CoffeeAndCakeEssentials]

First things first... talk to her. Maybe leave out the "I'm not in love with you but I love you" because that'll break her heart. But an honest conversation - the sparks dwindling, we need to work on our connection as a married couple etc. She may be feeling the same way.

I dont think it's unreasonable to want "me time" at all. We all need some time to follow our own interests. But if you get it, so does she! So sit down, talk and work out when that can happen.

Life with 3 primary aged kids and two working parents is tough. Hopefully this is just a bump in the road that can be worked on. Good luck.

[IwantedtobeEmmaPeel]

If you wanted "a life of your own" why did you marry and more importantly have children? What did you think married life with children was going to be like, The Walton's? You really need to face up to your responsibilities- you are a father to 3 children.

Has it occurred to you that your wife probably feels the same. I think instead of just throwing in the towel at the first hurdle you should talk with your wife and give her a chance to express how she feels as well as you. Maybe talk to a marriage counsellor.

The difference in work shifts do sound difficult and is not ideal, is there any chance that this can be changed so you are both at home at the same time? You talk about wanting some time to yourself, does your wife get time to herself? I'm not entirely unsympathetic but you owe it to your DW and DC to try to find a way to make this work before walking away.

[eddielizzard]

This sounds like normal life happening, tbh. Have you ever heard the phrase a good marriage takes hard work? You have to put the effort in. You love her, you're both working very hard for your family, your kids need you both. It's natural to question and think 'what about me?'. I bet she's thinking that too. So carve out some time just for you, just for her and just for you both. If you both know the other will get time for themselves, the guilt and resentment fades.

If you start down the 'i love you but I'm not in love with you' path, you will cause very deep pain that you may regret and she may not recover from. Have a long hard think about whether that's really worth it.

And finally, the heart fluttering, madly passionate love that they sell you in films and you feel in the honeymoon phase isn't the real thing. The real thing is the deep love you feel for someone when you've supported each other through tough times. Hang in there, keep trying.

[forumdonkey]

On the rare occasions i get to do something by myself the guilt is crippling

So your solution is to walk away from your wife and children so that you can have lots of 'you time' guilt free.

What is it that you want to do that you currently can't?

[Illstartexercisingtomorrow]

I think you’re getting a hard time on here.

Nothing wrong with needing your own time and space - however that should be achievable within marriage and family, without guilt. And work out if the guilt is yours, or does your wife make you feel this way?

Talk to your wife and find a solution.

[UnsureHusband]

Wow, thanks for the responses.
Ill try and answer each but maybe i should have supplied some further info.
My OP may be a bit jumbled because thats how my head is just now.

The "do me" part was in " for a reason - maybe not the best phrase to use. I have been with OH since we were mid teens, got married at 19, first kid at 23 and im maybe feeling now in my mid 30s that my adult life has always revolved round others and im not quite sure who i am.

Im not looking to seperate so i can go galavanting wherever and whenever i please. On the contrary with OH working nights i would most likely have the kids the majority of nights and weekends.
So please dont confuse my dilema with someone who wants to leave all their responsibility behind.
Thanks

[spiritslevel]

If this was a woman posting she'd likely be asked what is her husband doing to make her feel loved, and that life is too short to be unhappy.

[Idontwanttotalk]

I think having children can mean both parents feel they lose who they used to be as children's needs have to be put first. It's tiring and with you and your wife working opposite shifts you aren't spending any quality time together.

Love changes over time and hopefully develops into a deeper love but the everyday drudgery of life often takes away time to just enjoy each other's company. You probably don't need time alone, you probably actually need time alone with your wife to reconnect. Your wife might feel as if she has lost herself too.

Is there any chance of being able to go away for a few days, just the two of you, and try and find what you think is lost?
Could you have a night each week when you go out together and get a childminder in?

I suppose you are saying you want excitement in your life. What did you and your wife do before children can along? Did you go out? Do you have shared hobbies?

What about having a week away by yourself to have a total break and see how you feel without your family? Maybe your wife could then do the same and you could both see what it feels like. You might find you miss what you have.

I would never suggest breaking up a family lightly as it will have a profound effect on your children. Equally I wouldn't suggest staying if you are deeply unhappy but I'm not sure you are deeply unhappy in your relationship. Maybe tired and bored and lonely.

[Pistols69]

Marriage is dull on the whole when you have kids. I’m sure a lot of people wouldn’t do it if they knew how dull it would turn out. I feel similar. However, my take is that I made this choice and therefore have to make the effort.

[eddielizzard]

Is there any way to change the night shifts? I think that would make a significant difference, because you could both then take an evening out each to do a hobby or meet friends. It's not sustainable to never have time together.

[RandomMess]

Why don't you start with trying different hobbies out? Book a babysitter and go out and try stuff!

Deliberately make time for you and DW to do something together, again try something different.

You sound like you have lost yourself in the role of husband, Dad, worker. You can "find" yourself without ending your marriage!

Look after yourself, look after your marriage- commit to investing into both those for at least a few ways before walking away.

[Techway]

If you separated what would you do to "become you"?

I think you sound as if you are in a rut and need to inject energy through finding things you enjoy.
Do you enjoy your work or have a hobby that makes you feel alive? If you had z challenging childhood the affects of it often surface in adulthood, which is why midlife crisis is generally around 40.

Consider getting counselling to help you uncover your needs but I think it sounds as if this is temporary. Divorcing is a major step, it is seen as one of life's top stressful events so don't embark on it unless it is essential.

Talk to your wife, if she is your best friend she probadly knows you very well.

[UnsureHusband]

Thanks for all the suggestions about work etc.

Unfortunately the work thing cant change.
I work 8am-5pm mon-fri and most sats 8-12. She works 3 full weekends out of 4 and a few nights mon-fri.

So to answer a lot of Qs - she gets 2 or 3 days a week free when kids are at school.
One weekend a month we have free days together. Can be hard to ask for time to myself when the opportunity for complete family time or couple time is there.

[RandomMess]

You can book a babysitter whilst she's at work!!

You can do your thing then still leaving the time you have free together.