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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is being unhappy a good enough reason to leave?

64 replies

Suzie0003 · 10/10/2019 14:10

As my title says really, we've been together 12 years and have grown apart. I feel I've changed as a person and he hasn't, he's still the same person as he was 12 years ago.

There's no abuse in our marriage we're just unhappy. I'm unhappy because I'm not attracted to him, I don't enjoy his company and we no longer have anything in common. It's horrible seeing that written down but it's true. He feels rejected which to be fair he's entitled to because I do reject him regularly.

We have 3 children together and we jointly own our home. I guess my question is is it wrong to throw away an OK relationship just because I feel unsatisfied? We're both in our early 30s and have alot of years left to live and to be honest the idea of spending all those years ahead of me with him brings me down.

He's a good man, hardworking, Affectionate and loyal and I'm sure he will make someone really happy but I just don't think that person is me.

Any words of advice?

OP posts:

WickedLemon · 10/10/2019 15:34

I went through a few years of feeling like this when the children were younger - exactly what you said - I felt like a wife and mother and I wanted so much more.

You sound unhappy in general though. Are you sure you’re not just pinning your general unhappiness on your marriage? What will life look like exactly for you as a single parent. How will you spend the 50% of your time that you don’t have the children?

I stayed and I’m glad I did. Life is so much different with different jobs, older teens, more financial freedom.

You need to lay it on the line with your husband... tell him you’re thinking of ending the relationship, he comes and sticks to counselling or you feel you have to leave.

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 10/10/2019 15:54

Thanks everyone for your input. Yes you're right I'm pretty unhappy in general. I had my first child at 17 and have been a wife and mum my whole life. I only started working 6 months ago and it's hard work juggling everything as my husband doesn't help with the childcare as he has what he perceives as a big important job. I guess I feel like I'm parenting alone anyway. I just don't know, I'm very confused about what I want.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 10/10/2019 15:57

I only started working 6 months ago and it's hard work juggling everything as my husband doesn't help with the childcare as he has what he perceives as a big important job. I guess I feel like I'm parenting alone anyway

It's no wonder you've fallen out of love with him. Does he do anything around the house or are you the skivvy aswell?

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 10/10/2019 16:08

I do everything around the house, he has one job- emptying the dishwasher.

OP posts:

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 10/10/2019 16:11

I've suggested marriage counselling but he won't go, doesn't see an issue with how we are.

I've read so many threads where women are ending a marriage after their husbands have not taken their unhappiness seriously and wouldn't try marriage counselling.

Have you sat him down and told him that you're considering ending your relationship if he doesn't pull his finger out? He needs to know how strongly you feel, that without counselling and change it's game over.

Then, if you do eventually decide that divorce is inevitable, he can't act as if it's come as a total bolt from the blue.

But given that you've been a mother since you were 17, I can imagine you're sick of the constraints of your life. You never had the irresponsible freedom most of your peers did, the traveling and carefree dating. I'd explore your feelings about other aspects of your dissatisfaction in great depth before giving up on your marriage.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/10/2019 16:14

I do everything around the house, he has one job- emptying the dishwasher.

oh god he's not the guy from wife-affair Not sure thread, is he?

But seriously, that alone, for me would be more than enough to leave. It's really disrespectful to expect you (presumably because you have a vagina) to do all the household chores, it's treating you like you're inferior, I couldn't be with someone who treated me that way

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 10/10/2019 16:16

No he's not but I think I need to read that thread 😂🙈

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 10/10/2019 16:21

I always think with these its actually worse than just been unhappy because as far as I can tell
he doesnt do anything with the children or childcar
he does nothing around the house
he plays computer games
he drinks and goes out
he thinks he is more important than anyone else because he works
he feels rejected because he wants sex and you dont but cant be bothered to do anything but blame you

Look at that bottom one - he thinks his needs are more important he will never change because he not only doesnt want to he feels he doesnt need to because you just simply dont count.

I think because you have been together for so long and because he isnt actively abusive you think it is an ok relationship and it just simply isnt.

You want him to step up - he wont

AryaStarkWolf · 10/10/2019 16:29

Yeah agree with @Quartz2208, when you actually started posting more, it's not just that you're unhappy for no reason, you can see the list she's made there and there are plenty valid reasons why you are

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 10/10/2019 16:37

They're all true, I think I just thought they were minor problems and I'm being picky. My friends all dislike my husband, I think I dislike him too if I'm honest.

OP posts:

CmdrCressidaDuck · 10/10/2019 16:39

Honestly solo counselling sounds like a really good idea for you. If nothing else, it would help you define what you want and who you are on top of and separate from "wife and mother", and help you find avenues to develop that part of you. And it can help you decide what you want to do about your marriage.

But I would definitely tell him you're at the point of leaving him and it's counselling or bust.

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 10/10/2019 16:47

So we just had a very brief chat--I asked him when he's going back to counselling (he quit after 3 sessions) he said he isn't going anymore. I said I want to reintroduce the Saturday morning clean up where the whole family helps clear up- he just stared at me and said didn't I notice that he'd hoovered the living room on Sunday?! That he shouldn't have to do anything because he works everyday and his Weekends are to relax 🤷‍♀️ end of conversation

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 10/10/2019 16:52

What about you? When do you relax?

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 10/10/2019 16:54

When the children are at school. Usually between calls at work, housework, school runs, uni work and cleaning.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 10/10/2019 17:14

Your friends are right I dislike him too based on what you have said and he clearly doesn’t care OP
You need to leave for your sake you will be better. A whole lot of minor issues can make for one pretty big problem and there are a lot of them (although personally I don’t think they are minor)

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 11/10/2019 07:13

So I've made a bit of progress. We had a long talk last night about how we're both unhappy and things need to change. We've decided to give it 6 months and he's reluctantly agreed to give relate a go. I feel a bit better now things are properly out in the open.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 11/10/2019 11:21

Best of luck with it Suzie

Secondsight · 11/10/2019 17:33

Yes being unhappy is enough. Its your life and you deserve happiness.

giantwatermelon · 11/10/2019 20:58

@Suzie0003 I think there might be no harm in getting counselling yourself to help you figure out the root of your unhappiness and how to work on that long term.

I'm glad you guys had a chat and cleared the air abit. Would he reconsider couples counselling?

I can't believe you're working, minding kids, managing a house and attending uni. Well done you! But man you must be exhausted. Maybe you should book a weeks holidays by yourself and leave him mind the kids and take a well deserved break. Sounds like you could do with it.

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 12/10/2019 08:54

Hi yes he's reluctantly agreed to couples counselling. He's being very difficult again now though 😢 he originally accepted that he needed to change etc but he's immediately back to being his usual grumpy selfish self. I just don't know right now

OP posts:

ExcitedForFuture · 12/10/2019 11:14

He sounds like a dick. He doesn't want to commit to fixing it because he's perfectly happy with what he had. He doesn't have to do a thing bar going to work and emptying the dishwasher. You do all the shitwork for him and if he lived alone he'd have to do all these things and parent his own kids alone. That's the only reason he's reluctantly agreeing to Relate.

You'd be much happier without him OP. I've been there. My ex did do more than that and wasn't a dick but I wasn't happy, needed more than wife and mum and couldn't keep going like that. I'm so much happier now.

Original poster

Suzie0003 · 12/10/2019 13:47

I think I'm seeing things more clearly now and talking about it openly with friends. I'm working hard at work and uni to make sure I can provide a decent future for myself and my children. He wouldn't be able to have them 50% of the time so I know I'll have my work cut out for me. There's also alot of issues between him and our eldest and unfortunately I think my eldest will choose to stay with me all of the time but that's a different story. I think I've accepted its over and will try to make this clear at relationship counselling

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 12/10/2019 13:53

Further to my last post if he won't go for counselling I'd tell him outright you are thinking of leaving him but don't want to do it without at least trying counselling.
That might really shake him up.
It sounds as if he is getting complacent and not willing to do anything.
I find generally if you say it out loud and mean it they tend to sit up and take notice. But don't let it go on.

Sleepyhead19 · 12/10/2019 13:55

I think a good thing to ask yourself in that situation is, if a friend came to you with this question, what would you advise them?
It sounds like you have grown up far more than he has.
I know some are saying the grass isn’t greener on the other side, but i have been a single mum and am about to become one again after 10 years. I’m also pregnant. This is my fresh start after years of being dreadfully unhappy. I’m scared, mainly of a tough financial situation, but my kids deserve to have a happy mum, and staying with my ex has driven me into a depression. He cheated, refused to go to counselling and said I was unreasonable for not ‘getting over it’. I’m worth more than that. I’m moving on and I’m just going to be as strong as I can be.
I know your husband has been good to you, so maybe a trial separation would be a good start? It could help with a final decision.

wishywashy6 · 12/10/2019 16:36

I could have written this exact post 5 years ago about my now ex husband.
Yes it absolutely is a reason to end it. I was in my early 30's too and we'd been together since teens.
I'm so much happier now. We co parent well & he's getting remarried next year to a lovely lady.

I won't lie and say it was an easy thing to do, but I'm so glad I did

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