Dh has lied about something from years ago - how bothered should I be?

[Thrownbythis]

Have never posted on relationships before but could really use some clarity about whether I’m being ridiculous or not. Dh and I have been together about 20 years. We met after uni but often discussed our uni experiences, including where we’d lived etc. In conversation with mil today I mentioned something about his flat in uni and she looked really confused, before saying that he had lived at home (under an hour away) throughout and commuted.
He could have told me this at the time, but lied instead - or at the very least exaggerated staying over with a friend now and then into it being where he lived.
I’m upset about being lied to. He has form for minor lies to avoid trouble - eg saying he’s already posted something when I know he hasn’t, but nothing like this.
I’m also upset as it means he basically went from his mum to his ex to me, with only a year as a singe man in between. This explains a lot about his expectations re wifework.
I brought this up tonight and he is denying lying, claiming I am ending it (since I said I don’t trust him) and has gone off to sleep in the spare room.
I don’t want to split up. I also don’t want to pretend this is ok.

Do you know what, this is really pathetic but when I started dating my ex husband I pretended to live on my own. I had actually moved back in with my parents for a while. I married him and kept up the lie for years although it didn’t get mentioned often. No reason really other than I wanted to seem grown up and mature x

Did you ever fess up? I think if he’s said something like you have posted, I’d find this much easier, he seems to have gone on the attack instead.

I think you're massively overreacting here! Maybe he was embarrassed to say that he lived at home! I lived at home throughout uni. Do I now wish I had moved out? Yes. I wouldn't lie about it but, honestly, I think you're making more of this than you need to.

As for his expectations of 'wife work' has he ever expressed thoughts about what you should do in the home or are you just assuming this?

There’s a lot to unpick here. I think if it was a onetime lie to save face in front of someone he fancied you’d probably just be laughing it off as silly. I think it’s the fact he has form for lieing you feel it’s just another reason you can’t trust him.

Added to him being a massive dram lama and going to sleep in the spare room, I think he’s trying to make you do uncomfortable that you’ll just drop it. If he’s admitted it and gave his reasons you’d feel much better about it. Does he often get dramatic when you confront him?

whispers

My husband thinks I have a driver's licence in my home country.

I have no idea why I told that fib 13 years ago but I can't say anything now.

So he doesn’t do his fair share of housework. Childish expectations of entitlement.

He lied for years to save face and when called on it, threw a childish strop rather than admit to it.

Hard to respect.

You are willing to lose your relationship because he tried to look cool 20 years ago?!? What guy wants to tell a potential girlfriend he lives at home? What difference does it make now? We all tell white lies, or stories to put us in a better light. I just heard my 15 year old tell his girlfriend he was first in a boat race until the turn when they mucked it and lost their place. Well guess what they were never anywhere near first. He’s trying to impress her. Your partner was trying to impress you. Get over it.

I can see why you’re upset. These pointless ‘white’ lies are insidious in harming relationships and leaving the lied to partner doubting everything they are told.

Wow. Massive overreaction, I take it there is more to this?! Assuming you've been happy enough for 20 years are you really willing to through it away for this? He was just a young man assumingly trying to impress you.

Does he often get dramatic when you confront him?
Oh yes. I don’t think he understands that an apology often works better.
It’s very interesting to hear other views, thank you! I think what I mean about wifework is that I thought he’d had the same experiences as me - shopping, laundry, basic looking after yourself and being independent. His mother won’t have expected him to lift a finger at home.

He is being weird not discussing it. Sleeping in spare room. Wtf

I’ve never said I would end it over this. That’s what he has said, while trying to chuck this back at me. He didn’t lie about it 20 years ago only though, we’ve talked about dc possibly being at home during uni and he’s never mentioned it, I asked him today where about he’d stayed and he told me the same lie - maybe he’s made it seem in his own mind like he stayed there all the time. His mum just seemed so sure, I felt like such an idiot speaking to her.

You're being unreasonable by blowing this up out of all proportion when it was 20 years ago and really doesn't matter. He's being unreasonable by flouncing off and sleeping in the spare room. You need your heads knocked together.

How old is his mum? Is it possible she's edited the past?

How should I have raised it with him, or should I not have mentioned it at all? He had the chance to say something to diffuse the situation but went on the defensive instead - he could have said he was trying to impress me or whatever. This happened today, I’ve not been labouring it for weeks or anything.

I dont understand why you even felt the need to mention it.. it was 20 years ago.

You're being more weird than he is..

He lied about it again today. Would you honestly not mention it at all? Eg if a partner told you he used to used to live in x and you found out he’d never lived there, you wouldn’t ask him about it?

I don't understand why you are getting a hard time here OP. And I agree with you. I would not have wanted to move in with someone who had not lived independently and had to run a place themselves. It does teach you things you don't learn living at home.

I could understand the initial lie because he felt uncool living with his mother, however to strop, sulk and stomp off over it is even more uncool and a bit worrying. If he came back and apologised I might forgive him. If this is regular behaviour I’d not!

Were you checking his story with his mum? That's what I don't get. In the end, who fucking cares.

My father in law gets details of my husband's past wrong all the time. Even managed to tell me he had a drink driving conviction which turned out to be a misremembered story about his best friend (that didn't end in a conviction but a warning anyway).

thrownbythis. No, you’re not over reacting. He didn’t lie once 20 years ago, he’s lived a lot FOR 20 years. He lied and kept up this ridiculous pretence for 20 years, he’s STILL lying.

Did you not say to him - well one of you is lying, is it you or your Mum?!

It’s fucking weird and given his other lies I don’t think I’d trust one thing that comes out of his mouth.

He's stropped off to the spare room because you've made a massive deal out of him "not living independently, doing his own housework 20 years ago".
He's obviously feeling embarrassed because he felt he had to lie 20 years ago and now he's been found out.
Personally I don't get why it matters so much whether he lived at his parents or not whilst at UNI.
Maybe he's not mentioned it in front of DC because he wants them to make their own decision and not be swayed by parental input.

I wasn’t checking at all, I mentioned his time at uni and she said he never did that (flatshare), he lived at home until he married.
I just feel a bit sick inside about it all and I wish his reaction when I told him had been different.
I can remember him exaggerating about time he spent abroad as a teenager too. Me, when I tell a story I’m completely exact about the details so I guess we come from two entirely different angles on this.
Still don’t see how it’s my fault, I didn’t make him lie about it!

He. is being aggressive because he feels defensive. People don't like being caught out. Like the first PP, he probably pretended at the time because he was embarrassed about living at home, then it snowballed over time and he never felt able to go back on it. Maybe he would rather have been in student digs. Maybe he wanted to rent, but couldn't afford it. Whatever the reason, I think that you need to diffuse the situation. At the fight time you could try to talk to him about how unnecessary it is for him to respond in the way he does. It isn't helpful and it doesn't make anyone feel good.

I hate lies however it was such a long-time ago and probably was said to make himself look cooler or whatever that particular lie I'd probably just find amusing.

What I wouldn't find amusing is being expected to do "wifework"