Dh has lied about something from years ago - how bothered should I be?

[Thrownbythis]

Have never posted on relationships before but could really use some clarity about whether I’m being ridiculous or not. Dh and I have been together about 20 years. We met after uni but often discussed our uni experiences, including where we’d lived etc. In conversation with mil today I mentioned something about his flat in uni and she looked really confused, before saying that he had lived at home (under an hour away) throughout and commuted.
He could have told me this at the time, but lied instead - or at the very least exaggerated staying over with a friend now and then into it being where he lived.
I’m upset about being lied to. He has form for minor lies to avoid trouble - eg saying he’s already posted something when I know he hasn’t, but nothing like this.
I’m also upset as it means he basically went from his mum to his ex to me, with only a year as a singe man in between. This explains a lot about his expectations re wifework.
I brought this up tonight and he is denying lying, claiming I am ending it (since I said I don’t trust him) and has gone off to sleep in the spare room.
I don’t want to split up. I also don’t want to pretend this is ok.

I dont like liars, no matter what the situation. There is no consequence to him in telling the truth as a 40+ year old man, so why wont he? I do get as a teenager/young person that you might not tell the full story. But now? You are right to not be that impressed.

right time not fight time

I do appreciate the posts I don’t agree with as well, as I posted to get a variety of perspectives! Please note he did live alone when I met him, having divorced. So really no reason to not be honest about where he’d been five years or so earlier.

I think it would be very understandable if he'd lied about living at home - I would find it hard to judge that, especially as it was so long ago, and clearly hasn't been a significant topic of conversations since (or you'd surely have found out before not).

However, I totally do see how it matters given you feel it relates to his attitudes towards wifework and your life as a couple. And his response to you admitting his mum had blown his cover seems very melodramatic and manipulative.

Is it possible for you to talk to him about how you feel about the wifework issues? I am presuming that's something that really bothers you, or you wouldn't mention it.

You see if he would be honest and tell you why he lied, then it would be easier to forget. But he won't admit it. That is what I would expect from a child, but not my partner.

I'm with you OP.

He can be like a big child, yes.
His mother is very old fashioned re men doing housework. Dh is not, thinks he does loads around the house but the reality of it is he will only do what is asked of him - a bit like a teenager living at home doing chores. I am the grown up here. (Obviously he wouldn’t agree with this assessment!)

YY, and what claire says. If you feel like it, you could do something very gentle, such as letting him calm down and then saying 'I don't mind where you lived at university, please don't worry about this, but this seems to be a big deal to you?'

There's no reason you should have to feel you have to be the one to be mature and calm, the one to be smoothing things over. I do get that. But if you wanted to, it might be possible to get across to him that this refusal to explain why he lied in the first place is a problem in itself.

That is odd - there is less need to lie about minor details from years earlier. I can see why you need to unpack the lying, the aggressive response to being caught out and the wide work. with the lying it might be best to be particular to the lie initially - why did he feel the need to lie about that one thing. You might then see a theme build up and perhaps he might learn that such lies are really no necessary. They make life far too complicated. Imagine having to hold all those lies in your head! I would worry about slipping up and forgetting what I had lied about. Far easier just to worry less and tell the truth.

Is his mother and/or father very controlling? Sometimes teenagers get into a habit of lying about minor stuff to get some privacy from over controlling parents.

It was 20 years ago who fucking cares!!

If you're upset about all the wifework, that is something you should have sorted out 20 years ago.

Are you the type who pounces on any small thing? You come off that way.

RantyAnty You think your partner continually telling small lies is no big deal??

I think he would see it as exaggerating not lying. He did have a friend in a flat and presumably stayed over with him sometimes, and has multiplied this into it being where he lived. I would indeed have expected to hear he’d gone home every weekend as that is common here. His mum was just so adamant that he lived at home and she’s perfectly fine in the memory department.

It must be a thing though, to attack and say I was ending things (which I never even hinted at) instead of apologising? Wondering what to say to him tomorrow.

I wonder if going to Relate would be helpful? Not over this particular incident, but in terms of improving your communication. You should be able to talk about things without it leading to the drama created tonight.

Clairemcnam that’s an interesting perspective. I wouldn’t necessarily have thought that, I love his mum to bits but she certainly has a strong personality!
In common with a lot of women, feeling the household burden fell more on me happened when we had children rather than when dating or living together, so ten years ago - I don’t feel it’s my fault for not sitting that 20 years ago!

I am not saying that he will be consciously started to lie to get a bit of privacy. Just if you have a dominating parent who is constantly asking about every detail of your life, you can end up lying just so to get a sense of privacy. This might not be at all relevant. But he might have adopted that strategy as a teenager, and not realised he no longer needs to do that.
I do think though that you need help in improving communication between the two of you. You should be able to talk issues through and look to resolve them.

I will suggest Relate to him. We have great times but there is definitely an issue with him sulking/mood swings (not that I never have those myself, cheers perimenopause) and we argue over the same things periodically.

Thanks again for all the input. Going to bed now, will see what tomorrow brings. Have remembered he said I’d have to tell the dcs that this was why we were splitting up That’s not a reasonable way to behave at all.
Hoping when he sleeps on it he’ll alter his approach.

This is all to weird to contemplate, how very petty. This from 20 years ago ????

Good luck

1forall74 Read the thread, there is much more going on here. It is obvious from your reply you have not read the pretty short thread and OPs updates.

Im a fan of the personality ‘types’ model called enneagram. Type 3 people, in this theory, are very concerned by status (other people’s perceptions). It’s like their basic self-esteem is tied to it. Other types often see them as ‘exaggerators’ or boasters. They tend to do this more during stress, and get very upset if people challenge them on the ‘truth’ of their carefully-created stories.

The entitlement and lack of housework is him just being a twat. Regardless of ‘type’!

Do you have a strong dominating personality like his mum?

As for little white lies, everyone lies sometimes, even you.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

rantyanty You seem to have low expectations of what is okay in relationships. You are minimising what is going on.

I’d say OP wants to be happy with someone who DOESN’T LIE!!

I get it. Mine does it and if he was a bit more clever I’d say he was gaslighting me. Doesn’t lead me to trust a word he says tbh.