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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh has lied about something from years ago - how bothered should I be?

98 replies

Thrownbythis · 19/05/2019 23:13

Have never posted on relationships before but could really use some clarity about whether I’m being ridiculous or not. Dh and I have been together about 20 years. We met after uni but often discussed our uni experiences, including where we’d lived etc. In conversation with mil today I mentioned something about his flat in uni and she looked really confused, before saying that he had lived at home (under an hour away) throughout and commuted.
He could have told me this at the time, but lied instead - or at the very least exaggerated staying over with a friend now and then into it being where he lived.
I’m upset about being lied to. He has form for minor lies to avoid trouble - eg saying he’s already posted something when I know he hasn’t, but nothing like this.
I’m also upset as it means he basically went from his mum to his ex to me, with only a year as a singe man in between. This explains a lot about his expectations re wifework.
I brought this up tonight and he is denying lying, claiming I am ending it (since I said I don’t trust him) and has gone off to sleep in the spare room.
I don’t want to split up. I also don’t want to pretend this is ok.

OP posts:

RiversDisguise · 20/05/2019 02:21

I dunno. Everyone lies... my tactful white lie about your dress is not the same as Blair lying to drag the UK into the Iraq war.

Op's husband does not seem to have done anything wrong. Some daft replies on here.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/05/2019 05:08

It's very humiliating to be caught out in a lie 20 years later. His whole defence system will be on high alert as it's so embarrassing for him.
The other issues in your marriage need to be sorted out separately. Also don't start to look at him totally through that lie. My two ds have lived away for college...cooking shopping etc but the minute they walk back in the door they revert to teen behaviour expecting mum to do everything . So l have to fight that. So whether he stayed away or at home might have little bearing on how he is housework wise.
Also they have had friends who practically lived I'm their rented accommodation while not being tenants . Lads seem to do that a lot.
You say you don't want to split up so he must have some redeeming features. I think counselling would help ye but l wouldn't press for it now as he will have visions of sitting in a room while you tell a stranger a lie he told 20 years ago and he will be terrified of being exposed.

As you are totally straight up it's difficult to understand why he lied but insecurity and low self esteem or overbearing parents can lead one to lie at an early age just to feel you can keep up. He should be out of that habit by now though so stuff needs to be changed but making that lie the focus of it will be counterproductive l think.

Butteredghost · 20/05/2019 05:50

I get you OP. Usually something like this would be no big deal (if anything it would be fun to discover and later tease the person about) but if you are with a terrible liar every new lie is maddening.

The harder part is what to do. It seems like he wants to split up and is intent on blaming you. Maybe the split would be for the best.

lonelyplanetmum · 20/05/2019 06:36

I completely understand how this is a big deal. When you commit your life to someone you not only love them but want reciprocal trust,respect, pride etc. When faced with an unnecessary lie it makes you think their behaviour is a bit shabby and you respect them less.

I've been with DH for 15 years and a lie he told has stalked our marriage. On our first ever date we were talking about our lives. I already knew he was divorced. I asked him if anyone was involved in his divorce. I remember him looking deeply into my eyes and saying very affirmatively "Categorically not! ". Naively I completely believed him.

Of course, years later when we had bought a joint house etc when drunk he admitted he had been having an emotional affair with a married colleague, which turned into a real affair after he walked out from DW1.

This lie has haunted our marriage. I felt tricked into getting involved with him. Of course I then looked for, and found, evidence of other exaggerations or minimisations. The fact of a lie like this undermines your respect and trust. It also makes you hyper vigilant.

I do wonder ( and I'll be flamed for this) if it's a more male thing? Could they be more primed with each other to exaggerate their prowess in a testosteroney competitive way. So living at home with your Mum at Uni is not buffalo hunter gather behaviour. So to increase your prowess you exaggerate. 1950s thinking I know and I don't want it to be that.

I think it's all tied in with ego, self esteem etc.

Perhaps all you can do OP is concentrate on your response and on his positives and forgiveness... but then I also think why should we have to! Are they men or mice!

ChristmasFluff · 20/05/2019 07:22

I get you also OP - it's not just the lie, it's that it represents an absence of an experience he pretended he had. He has basically lied about who he is.

Then in a situation where he is clearly in the wrong, instead of apologising, explaining himself, and asking for forgiveness, he goes into manipulation mode, says OP is ending the relationship, and gives the silent treatment in spades.

With all of that going on, I'd take the lying manipulator at his word and consider the relationship over.

Otherwise you have endless years of this type of thing. More manipulation. More lying. More never considering himself to be in the wrong - thus denying reality.

meuh · 20/05/2019 07:37

Him saying you're ending it is effectively yet another lie, to deflect attention away from his original lie. I'd be even more annoyed by that to be honest - now more than ever is the time to hold his hands up and be completely honest. It's also manipulative, designed to make it look as if you're the one in the wrong. I'm not sure what the answer is op but I don't think I'd back down quickly.

Jux · 20/05/2019 10:10

I think it is rather important that you realise you are lig with a liar who, when caught in a lie will continue to deny it and then make it your fault.

Instead of apologising like a normal person, he pretends that YOU are forcing extreme consequences upon hmi, ones which you haven't even considered.

You say you don't want to split up, so don't. You just won't know whether he is ever telling you the truth about anything. If you're OK with that, then great.

Jux · 20/05/2019 10:15

I imagine that he will forgive you for finding out when you've grovelled apologised .

HypatiaCade · 20/05/2019 10:22

You need to talk to him. Say something along the lines of "I don't want the marriage to end over this, but you have to understand that your lying is a big deal. And your overreacting and going on the attack when caught out is a BIGGER deal. It's not on making YOUR lies MY fault. We need to deal with this, and we should go to couples counselling".

Hiphopopotamous · 20/05/2019 10:24

If he usually lies to you (albeit white lies/exaggerations) then it's probably hard for him to see why this one lie is causing so much trouble.
I can't abide lying, I'd never have been able to put up with him, sulking and ideas on "wifework" aside!

Summerorjustmaybe · 20/05/2019 10:31

The sulking would be more of a deal breaker than the lie. Being married to a man - child is bloody wearing...
Ime.
Exh......

sashh · 20/05/2019 10:32

His reaction says a lot, however...

My mother always repeated the same lies and was adamant she was right.Eg she always said there was 18 months between my brother's birth and mine, there are actually 23 months. No one knows why she decided this and told it to people right up until she was talking to people in the hospice before she died.

Everyone who has gone to uni has "got their grant/loan and spent it already" the day after the A Level results come out.

She claimed she paid my brother's uni fees (for his one year), she didn't it was the 1980s and he got a grant, she paid for his board and lodging and my brother has no student debt.

I know my mum was batshit in many ways but I'm always wary when two people claim different things.

7to25 · 20/05/2019 10:38

Are you all from Northern Ireland?

Original poster

Thrownbythis · 20/05/2019 14:09

Not sure what that means, 7to25!
Hadn’t heard anything more from him till just now, when he has sent a text saying “have you informed the children yet?”
Very tempted to reply, Yes.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thrownbythis · 20/05/2019 14:21

Trying to decide what to reply. This is a deflection isn’t it, to make it about me and not about him?

OP posts:

Summerorjustmaybe · 20/05/2019 14:40

How about
'Sorry I haven't had chance to text back, been busy putting all your stuff in the front garden' ...
And I would not be joking...

Original poster

Thrownbythis · 20/05/2019 14:54

I like your style summerorjustmaybe!
I’m not quite as brave though (and I don’t want that outcome tbh just want him to accept my feelings about this)

OP posts:

leomama81 · 20/05/2019 15:08

I don't like lies either, even small ones (bar ones for pure politeness) and unlike several PPs on here I don't think it is ok! I have to say, like an ex of mine who claimed that "everybody lies all the time" - I really don't and neither do the people of integrity who
I want to surround myself with - rantyanty et al's position says much more about them than anything else (don't judge everyone by your own standards perhaps!) I think it makes it hard to trust anything if someone lies about small pointless stuff.

But tbh I would be more worried by the fact he is now taking it to the extremes to try and get you to drop the issue. You have every right to discuss these concerns with him and playing this "so you are ending it then" card is pretty manipulative. I'm not quite sure what I'd advise, but I think somehow you need to get across to him that trying to shut you down in this way is not ok.

Summerorjustmaybe · 20/05/2019 15:50

In his defence maybe he thought you were far too mature to look twice at a bf still with apron strings attached? Though his attitude regarding this far cancels out any sniff of understanding...
I have black bags if you change your thinking to mine anyway....

wijjjy · 20/05/2019 16:15

So you are determined to believe his mother over him?

And you are certain that she is correct?

Because I would be fucking furious if my partner went behind my back to talk to my mother and believed her over me.

This would be much worse if the mother was a bit controlling.

clairemcnam · 20/05/2019 16:19

He has a history of lying. If you have a history of lying, don't be surprised if your mum is believed over you.

Loopytiles · 20/05/2019 16:21

“I am upset and angry about your past lies but have not ended our relationship. Your response now is inappropriate: I would like you to explain why you lied and apologise.”

His reaction is awful.

Has he lied about other things?

Loopytiles · 20/05/2019 16:22

Why would OP’s MIL lie about this? Seems far more likely than OP’s H did.

Ces6 · 20/05/2019 16:27

If he has a pattern of lying then I would be out of there. My ex used to tell little lies, big lies and whoppers The idea of telling the truth meant nothing to him. It got to the point where I just gave up talking to him as there is no point if you can't tell what is made up.

GillBiggeloesHair · 20/05/2019 16:28

I lied about my age when I met my now DH in 1996.

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