Dh has lied about something from years ago - how bothered should I be?

[Thrownbythis]

Have never posted on relationships before but could really use some clarity about whether I’m being ridiculous or not. Dh and I have been together about 20 years. We met after uni but often discussed our uni experiences, including where we’d lived etc. In conversation with mil today I mentioned something about his flat in uni and she looked really confused, before saying that he had lived at home (under an hour away) throughout and commuted.
He could have told me this at the time, but lied instead - or at the very least exaggerated staying over with a friend now and then into it being where he lived.
I’m upset about being lied to. He has form for minor lies to avoid trouble - eg saying he’s already posted something when I know he hasn’t, but nothing like this.
I’m also upset as it means he basically went from his mum to his ex to me, with only a year as a singe man in between. This explains a lot about his expectations re wifework.
I brought this up tonight and he is denying lying, claiming I am ending it (since I said I don’t trust him) and has gone off to sleep in the spare room.
I don’t want to split up. I also don’t want to pretend this is ok.

Oh of course he bloody lied, and what a child he’s being now. The OP didnt go behind his back, the topic came up in conversation with his mother.

OP I would call his bluff. You mention not being that brave - do you not feel able to call him out on things generally? How would he usually react?

He sounds like a knob, to be honest...

Maybe I'm too cynical, but if someone who has a habit of little lies decides that something relatively unimportant is their hill to die on, then they are probably not lying (for once), and they are going to prove themselves correct and not shut up about it for the foreseeable future.

His overreaction is a red flag.

He’s behaving like a twat.

Loopytiles,

When I took home my girlfriend who then became my wife, my mum was adamant that she had paid for me to go to the (fee-paying)Grammar School. She didn't, I passed my 11+ (showing my age) and got a scholarship. And I had proof.

She was still lying about it until she died last year!!

But she also seemed to think I'd be staying at home my whole life to support her and my dad......

Call his bluff, idiot. What else will he lie about

I don’t think his mum would miss the fact that her son lived with her for four years! He is now home but has gone to the spare room again. I think he’s resting rather than packing, but who knows. I texted him along the lines of what a pp suggested (not the bag one!)
I’m not remotely scared of him but find the sulking very wearying. Normal pattern post row is silence with gradual thawing. Then we get on really well, but there seems no mature way of dealing with disagreements when they arise. It’s like he really doesn’t know how to.
I’m not going to keep having a go at him if he apologises, but I’m also not going to cry or be sorry or forget this.
Thanks again for the support. Haven’t discussed with anyone in rl.

Northern Ireland comment;
The only place where a mother would brag that their child lived with them through University and on to marriage (in that generation)
NI ....a non-controlling mother would be an outlier.
In NI the truth may well be between the two statements

My last ex pretended he lived alone before finally confessing months later that he lived with his mother after a messy break up. I probably was a bit but equally I understood that being a man in your thirties and living with your mother isn’t something you about from the roof tops.

I don't think the one lie about that is the worst thing in the world if it was isolated - it's the fact that it's part of a pattern and also his reaction.

Love the analysis 7to25 but no, he’s not from NI!
Going in for a chat now 🤞

Good luck op.

Its a little white lie dont let it get to u,its not a big deal,life is too short to fight over this.

@Angelinthenightx it's not so much the original lie, it's the pattern of behaviour, it's how he reacted when found out, it's how he's continuing to behave today.

His pattern around confrontation is more worrying than a crap lie that he'd rather were the truth. He needs to see that this behaviour isn't helpful.

I'm always amazed at people who say that continuous small lies are ok. How?

If that was the only lie, it could probably be dealt with, but each little lie erodes trust. A teeny bit at a time, until it's just gone

Have asked him if he’s ready to talk but he wants to eat first - fair enough. So far all he’s done is glare at me like a pantomime villain. I just want to cry, but I won’t let him make me feel this is my fault. Had hoped sleeping on it would give him a better perspective.

I agree with pp huge overreaction.

My friend at uni had her parents pay for rent ,bills and uni fees. She told everyone she had student loans like them because she felt embarrassed and spoilt. He probably just wanted to impress you x

I agree with pp huge overreaction

But surely it's not about whether or not he lived at home, it's the lying about it?

Ok. Have had long talk tonight. Thinking back not sure if he apologised! But he did not get to twist the conversation round to me being to blame for anything/planning to leave him or whatever. He still feels he stayed regularly in a friend’s flat at uni and that his mum doesn’t remember. But this is clearly an ad hoc arrangement (if it happened) and still not what I’d been led to believe. Anyway talked more about this and his relationship with his mum and his tendency to sulk/react negatively to criticism. By no means is this fixed but I did really feel we were communicating properly and I’m going to take that as a first step.
He can be Jekyll and Hyde sometimes. I’ll sleep on it and see how I feel tomorrow.
Thanks again for all the responses, I’ve had some really great advice and will reread to take it all in

My partner thinks my French was once fluent. Fortunately we are yet to visit France together. People tell silly fibs when trying to impress. If I told him now he would laugh. In fact I might do so.

The housework stuff is a different issue.

I wouldn't really care about the lie to be honest. He's probably forgotten he's even lying by now and in his head it's true.

I wouldn't still be there though after being expected to do all the housework for twenty years.

Thanks. I don’t do all the housework though, I just seem to be in overall charge of it if that makes sense. And it makes more sense to me now that I realise he never has had to be solely responsible for organising gas and electric, repairs, general maintenance etc etc. OTOH there’s lots of stuff I never used to be required to do, but I had to learn fast when we had children. Going to be making changes moving forward.