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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My 15 year old D is lesbian

82 replies

Croeso78 · 11/01/2019 14:31

Hi, I discovered a week ago that my daughter identifies as a lesbian, I dont want to offend anyone so some terminology I might not get right so please forgive me, there is a lot to learn and a lot to get my head around. She does not know that I know about it.
I need to accept this, as I know it is what she needs, but I am struggling, if you have experienced a similar situation please share, I need some advice.

OP posts:

DogDayMorning · 11/01/2019 14:35

What are you struggling with exactly?

showmeshoyu · 11/01/2019 14:35

I don't think people really identify with a sexual orientation... She is lesbian. What do you need to do? Be there for her and not judge. Do you need to do anything differently? Hopefully not. Do you need to treat her differently? No. From your point of view, has anything actually changed? Hopefully not if you were a supportive parent in the first place, which I'm sure you are.

SylvanianFrenemies · 11/01/2019 14:36

I think you need to avoid overthinking this. She's the same person she was a week ago, treat her as such. You don't need to tell her you know, but take chances to tell her you love her and show acceptance of gay people do she can feel.comfortable talking when ready.

giftsonthebrain · 11/01/2019 14:37

She’s 15, maybe she’s just experimenting with her sexuality and identity.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2019 14:37

You don't need to do a thing differently

My son came out as gay at 15 and that was that

museumum · 11/01/2019 14:39

I think you need to unpick your worries and be reassured that although there’s still homophobia gay rights have come a long way and she will not need to keep her feelings secret, she can’t be discriminated against legally, she can get married if she wishes and also one day have children if she chooses.

potatoscone · 11/01/2019 14:41

What are you struggling with?

So you found out she is a lesbian, how did you find out?

Helmetbymidnight · 11/01/2019 14:41

Everything will be fine- take some time to get your head around it.

My dc is in and out the closet

Over the next few weeks, you could mention high profile lesbians who you like ‘ ah isn’t that..Sue Perkins fab’ ‘Sandi tokscig is so clever- I do like her’ etc etc, to show that you would never go off someone because of their sexuality.

TheNavigator · 11/01/2019 14:42

I friend's daughter is a lesbian. I've known her since she was a baby. It is wonderful, she is wonderful, an amazing, intelligent, aware, young woman. There really is nothing to fear here, it is great that she has found out who she is and can live her life in a way that is right for her.

azulmariposa · 11/01/2019 14:44

So?

Nodrama999 · 11/01/2019 14:46

Having been in this experience, I would just make sure she has “safe” avenues to explore. Get the internet security set up so it’s childproof, so if she does want to do some online research, chat groups etc, she will be in a safer place

Auntiepatricia · 11/01/2019 14:46

She’s gay. It’s completely normal to be gay. She’s not identifying as anything.

Same rules apply. Fingers crossed she meets good and kind partners who treat her well.

WhatHaveIFound · 11/01/2019 14:47

I don't think you need to do or say anything to her at the moment because she hasn't told you direct has she? You just need to be there for your daughter if/when she feels ready to talk.

Personally i don't treat my DD any different to if she was going out with boys.

pointythings · 11/01/2019 14:47

My almost 16 yo DD is a lesbian too. She has been in a relationship with her gf for 6 months now. They are both lovely. Tell us what it is you are struggling with and we will try to help.

KittensAndCake · 11/01/2019 14:50

My dd's friend is a lesbian but she's too scared to tell her mum ☹️
Just be there for her, she's still the same kid

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 11/01/2019 14:50

what is it you’re struggling with? My dc came out to me in the summer ans she was very tearful and worried about it but I’d always made it perfectly clear I wasn’t bothered about things like this I never had to sit my parents down and announce I was heterosexual so if any of my dc are gay I don’t expect them to feel they have to sit down and make a big announcement. This came up because of a conversation about a step family member on their fathers side and the comments their dad made.

My dd is still the same person she was before she told me. She is still funny, smart and obnoxious in exactly the same way she was before. Her coming out changes nothing.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 11/01/2019 14:50

No one ‘identifies as’, they are or believe they are.

What are you worried about?

Original poster

Croeso78 · 11/01/2019 14:51

I just felt so isolated, and it just helps talking to others. I booked an appointment with a counsellor, as I found out through videos on our family cloud, her face on the frozen image looked like she is crying so I checked it, and realised she is suffering and scared. I appreciate all your comments.
I do not want to change anything, I just want to know how to approach this.
I probably need to clarify that we come from the Middle East, so think of how this was looked at 100 years ago here! thats the situation there, so she will live two different versions of coming out when it is the time for it!

OP posts:

Mentounasc · 11/01/2019 14:51

In the short term you need to work out for yourself exactly why you're struggling - where does that feeling come from? Do you come from a community or family that is generally not accepting of other sexualities? Is it some sort of deep-down disappointment that your daughter's life might turn out differently to what you had hoped for?

In the medium term, it would be helpful for your relationship with her if she knows that you are generally in favour of gay rights and won't tolerate homophobia - eg if something about gay rights comes on the news, comment on how wonderful you think it is, or how dreadful a homophobic attack is. Obviously you need to try not to be too obvious in all this. The ideal thing would be a programme on TV about a someone coming out, allowing you to comment that you'd be proud to support any gay child of yours, etc.

If you manage that well, you'll have created a background of trust which will enable your DD to talk to you honestly, and that surely is the most important thing. Best of luck!

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 11/01/2019 14:52

Where are you both now? What about the wider family - here or there?

AnyFucker · 11/01/2019 14:53

Could you explain again how you found out. I don't get it.

buckingfrolicks · 11/01/2019 14:55

Good for her. And your issue is what exactly??

Mentounasc · 11/01/2019 14:56

Ahhhhhh, family in the Middle East! Is homosexuality actually illegal in your home country? Or just frowned upon? She's going to need so much more emotional support from you in this case, at the point when she's ready to tell you.

potatoscone · 11/01/2019 14:57

Who is the counselling appointment for?

buckingfrolicks · 11/01/2019 14:58

Ok Middle East that makes sense now. Tell her you love and support her (you do and you will, yes?) and that while some parts of her life may be more difficult (dealing with homophobia) other parts will be easier

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