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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My 15 year old D is lesbian

82 replies

Croeso78 · 11/01/2019 14:31

Hi, I discovered a week ago that my daughter identifies as a lesbian, I dont want to offend anyone so some terminology I might not get right so please forgive me, there is a lot to learn and a lot to get my head around. She does not know that I know about it.
I need to accept this, as I know it is what she needs, but I am struggling, if you have experienced a similar situation please share, I need some advice.

OP posts:

buckingfrolicks · 11/01/2019 14:58

She's a brave strong young woman.

KittensAndCake · 11/01/2019 14:59

I probably need to clarify that we come from the Middle East, so think of how this was looked at 100 years ago here!

That does put a different slant on it

PurpleAndTurquoise · 11/01/2019 15:00

OP can you try and drop some positive opinions about how it's ok being gay into a conversation with her so she knows she is safe to come out to you?

Original poster

Croeso78 · 11/01/2019 15:01

On our photos cloud, there were a few videos of her, I noticed them before, but didnt pay attention until last week, that she looks like she is crying on one of them and very distressed, me and her father divorced last year so I thought its about that, but looking into it, I discovered what she is going through, her biggest fear is coming out to her friends, she is proud of who she is, and she should be, she is so bright, intelligent, loving caring and hard working individual. I just want a happy life for her.
We live in the UK, but they spend summers in the Middle East and they have lots of family there, they are religious and conservative and will not accept this at all. But in her video she does mention that she might not speak to them ever again! so sad.
I really like the ideas about being vocal about thing, thank you.
I should not have said identify, she is lesbian yes.

OP posts:

InkyPops · 11/01/2019 15:01

Hi OP, I'm gay, and my mum struggled when I told her years ago when I was 18 (I'm now 35), despite having gay friends etc it was a shock for her. We had several years after that of things being quite strained and I found it heartbreaking. All I wanted was my mum back. In a way it might be good for you to figure out your fears before she tells you as then you will be in a better place to be supportive, open and reassuring to her that you love her. There are great organisations which can help parents of LGBT+ people to understand and overcome their own fears and homophobia - you could call/email one and have a chat. If your fears are based on her maybe being lonely or not having kids etc, remember there are still options such as donor sperm, obviously it's not as straightforward as for a typical straight couple, but not everyone falls into that category anyway. Good luck and if you want to ask any questions please do!

Rianna · 11/01/2019 15:03

It’s normal to be in shock. Will take a couple of days. Make supportive comments when watching tv etc - make sure she knows you accept people the way they are and above all , her of course.

frenchchick9 · 11/01/2019 15:05

Oh lord, why are some posters so obtuse? Of course people won't all be 'Oh, yay, my child is gay, how wonderful.'

They may struggle to come to terms with the loss of the life they had anticipated for their dd - boyfriends, husband, children. It may take a while for parents to grieve and move on.

(And before anyone says it, I know lesbians can have dc, but not in the same way as a married heterosexual couple.)

WhatHaveIFound · 11/01/2019 15:05

OK, i understand where you're coming from as we also have family in the ME.

My DD understands that it's not accepted over there and as such self censors her social media posts. So no mention of her GF where family members could see them.

Thankfully my family are quite reserved so they've never asked her directly if she's in a relationship.

Original poster

Croeso78 · 11/01/2019 15:05

It is not accepted, at all! I read some really horrible stories! you basically either stay in the closet or move to a more tolerant country

OP posts:

steppemum · 11/01/2019 15:07

My daughter came out as gay about 6 months ago. She was 13.
I have no problem with it, and was sad actually that she had felt she had to get up the nerve to tell me.

BUT for the 6 months or so before, I could see she was really struggling with something. I could tell from various comments that how she looked, her identity and gender was playing into it, and that it was a really hard time for her. She wouldn't talk about it, and if I did comment, I always seemed to say the wrong thing.

When she told us, it was like a damn bursting. We had a couple of months of hundreds of gay pride comments, rainbows everywhere etc, and it became a bit of a standing joke between us - so when watching a programme she would try and spot gay characters before you knew they were gay. She would say - yeh how about him? (or her) and I would say - yes or no, or definitely - look at the rainbow tattoo, or whatever.

In other words, we normalised it, accepted it, let her know that we loved her as she was, and then it all calmed down. Now she is much more likely to talk about school/friends/music than being gay. She is only 13!

I guess what I am saying is, if your dd is struggling to work out who she is and what she is and how that fits into the world, she may just need a safe space where she knows you love her and accept her whatever is going on. If you saw it from family videos, I would find a time to sit down and say - I saw it on the videos and I want you to know it is OK, I love you, it is fine for you to be who you are. Do you want to talk about it?

Even if you ARE struggling, you need, for her sake to keep that to yourself at the moment and support her. You can't change her, and disapproval will only drive her away. She is who she is, let her know your feelings haven't changed.

We come from a background where some people will not accept it.
I have talked to her about this. She has decided to not come out in one or two contexts at the moment. But I have also told her that we will back her to the hilt in any context, and that if anyone does give her any trouble, send them to us!

Habadabadoo · 11/01/2019 15:08

I've got no experience of this but it wouldn't bother me if my child is gay.
Good for you for posting on here to explore your feelings.
I think you need to point out to her somehow that the cloud is not a safe space incase other people see her very private videos. Maybe start to open it up whilst she is in the room and before you watch at the videos ask her why she looks like she is crying but don't watch or admit you watched it?

steppemum · 11/01/2019 15:10

sorry that took ages and I missed the part about the middle east

Even more important for her to know that YOU support her and still love her and won't reject her.

ColePorter · 11/01/2019 15:14

My DD told us that she likes girls, when she too was 15.

I had loads of questions for her, but tried to restrain myself from asking them all at once and overwhelming her. She had been thinking about it for several years, whilst it was fresh news for me.

Are you currently living in the ME? If so, then it must be difficult and frightening for her, to be in that kind of society. Please try to gently approach the topic with her and reassure her that in the event of her being lesbian you would still love her - because she is still your wonderful daughter Give her the opportunity to be honest with you, knowing that you will love her whatever she is and whoever she loves.

Even for a teen here in the UK, my DD is as good as living 2 lives - she's out to some friends but not all. She won't allow me to tell family members or my friends, nor tell them herself: because it's no one else's business, but then it seems as though she's hiding something when she has no reason to hide or be ashamed.

I'm happy to wait and let her be, grow up and grow confident in herself - being gay seems to be a continuous "coming out" so I will leave those decisions for her, for when she is comfortable.

Original poster

Croeso78 · 11/01/2019 15:15

Thats a very good idea...thanks Habadabadoo

Steppemum thanks a lot for sharing, I noticed a rainbow bracelet yesterday, haha. I was surprised that on the video she thought it will be a nightmare to come out, but her biggest worry is her friends (3 girls in specific)
I am hopeful it will be fine, but if not, I am there for her!

OP posts:

pointythings · 11/01/2019 15:16

The context of your situation makes a lot more sense of your post. It seems likely that she will be rejected by family and that's awful. But you are there for her. Make her aware that you are an ally and she can talk to you. That's the single most valuable thing you can do.

Poudrenez · 11/01/2019 15:17

OP I am gay and it sounds like you are approaching this really well; I think it's normal that you have concerns about handing the situation, especially with a conservative extended family. You'll get there.

Original poster

Croeso78 · 11/01/2019 15:19

Cole porter, I agree with the constant coming out bit, I was reading about this day and night the last 7 days, and it shows how every new encounter, new job, everything....you need to come out...
A previous person said something about how heterosexuals don't need to announce their sexuality!

We both live in the UK

OP posts:

Original poster

Croeso78 · 11/01/2019 15:21

Poudrenez, I promise you I am very open minded, but when it is your child, you just cant help but worry, especially with the conservative background. They are wonderful people, who love and adore her, but they would not be able to comprehend the idea. But as others are saying, I will show her I am there for her, and I love her, and love her courage.

OP posts:

ErickBroch · 11/01/2019 16:17

This was sweet to read. She is struggling, if you feel comfortable talking to her I would just say how you love her and want to help her with anything she needs! And she doesn't need to tell anyone till she is ready, but you will be there.

planespotting · 11/01/2019 16:27

Ffs people need to give the OP a break.
All of you in your high horse.
The OP has found herself in a new situation for her and wants to learn to best help her daughter as she is struggling.
All of a sudden you lot all have gay children and are Middle East experts?

OP some knowledgeable people have given some good responses, and more will come along. Maybe a youth organisation can help you support her and yourself to understand.

If my child was distressed about this I would probably post to ask as well.

AssassinatedBeauty · 11/01/2019 16:33

Is your daughter aware that videos she records are available to you on your Family Cloud? Maybe she was trying to tell you how she feels without having to talk to you directly.

Original poster

Croeso78 · 11/01/2019 16:45

AssassinatedBeauty I did consider that, but she deleted them 2 days ago, I dont think she was aware they got on there.

planespotting, thank you, indeed it is very new and confusing

OP posts:

abetterplace · 11/01/2019 16:50

renchchick9 They may struggle to come to terms with the loss of the life they had anticipated for their dd - boyfriends, husband, children. It may take a while for parents to grieve and move on.

(And before anyone says it, I know lesbians can have dc, but not in the same way as a married heterosexual couple.)

sorry what now? Would you be grieving for non married hetero couple? Lesbian/Gay couples can get married, and have children its just a slightly different way like with IVF etc

(Apologies OP for derailing)

Re your daughter, so she likes girls.... so?

abetterplace · 11/01/2019 16:58

but you got this - just be supportive to her

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 11/01/2019 17:01

I work on a helpline for Muslim women and am a lesbian myself.
If you want to pm me I could suggest potential sources of support.
Naz and Matt foundation has some info on how important parental supportive is alongside some videos.

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