My 15 year old D is lesbian

[Croeso78]

Hi, I discovered a week ago that my daughter identifies as a lesbian, I dont want to offend anyone so some terminology I might not get right so please forgive me, there is a lot to learn and a lot to get my head around. She does not know that I know about it.
I need to accept this, as I know it is what she needs, but I am struggling, if you have experienced a similar situation please share, I need some advice.

I think being shunned by family and community is a real fear and one you can assuage with your support.

www.nazandmattfoundation.org
I don't agree with some of the language as it seems to imply religions are automatically homophobic but they do great work.

Something a friend did when she knew her son was gay but not out to her was to wear a rainbow badge herself. When he noticed it, she said she was wearing it to support gays and lesbians and let them know that people cared about them and their rights. It was a subtle way to open a discussion with him, that wasn't focused on him. A few nights after he came out. He said he realised if she was going to be supportive of strangers then she'd be supportive of him.

You could do similar. Say you noticed her bracelet and ask where you could get one. Say whatever is happening and whatever your relatives believe that you would like to be open in the UK about your support of the gay community.

Initially I will go to get advise on how to act now, tell her I know, wait, and so on...then my daughter if she decides she might benefit (if we are in kind of open conversation) . This lady I saw before when I was going through the divorce. I trust her

I did not mean that religious people are all homophobic! I apologise if I offended anyone, but I know their mentality and how they think that's all. I have a gay uncle who lives there, and his mental state has been highly effected.

I was meaning the language of the Naz and Matt foundation. I don't tend to link to it at work because it isn't very positive around religion. But if you can look beyond that, the videos are useful.
The message is important - parents have such a big influence on children when they come out as gay.

She has a fab mum. She'll be fine in the end, believe me.

As someone with experience of the Middle East (you're not specific as to which country, but none of them are a picnic) I'd say that you need to have a conversation with her.

You need to tell her that despite where anyone comes from, what matters is that you love her and you don't judge her, and she is still your daughter and always will be, and she has your full and unconditional love and support.

Second, you need to say that although the UK and yourself have no problem with her being a lesbian, the ME is not so tolerant and forgiving. If/when she goes back there, she needs to be extremely careful about what she says to ANYONE and that includes her friends and family. You'll know better than we do that a simple slip-up can result in serious consequences e.g. Prison.

You need to tell her that the ME is not going to change. It's not fair, and it's not nice, and it's not what either of you want, but she will never be able to live a full and complete life there. She will always be hiding herself when she is within those borders, at risk of being found out through a slip of the tongue. She needs to really absorb this and understand that her future must be in the UK or another tolerant country, which means Europe, or other Anglophone countries like the USA or Australia.

With that in mind, she needs to focus on her life here and her friends here, because she will not be able to maintain her relationships in your ME home unless her friends come to visit her. She may even discover that she doesn't want to maintain relationships with people who cannot accept that she is a lesbian.

You're not alone, there are plenty of parents out there with non-heterosexual children. I'm sure you will find some to talk to.

I mean, for reference, if she had been in Saudi Arabia and someone else had accidentally seen that video of her, or even seen her wearing the rainbow bracelet, that could easily result in flogging, prison and torture. She can't make mistakes like that there. she just can't.

planespotting
are we reading different threads?
Most people on here have been suportive, and many of the people coming on to comment have come on because their kids are gay, or because they themselves are gay.
mn has tens of thousands of people on it, and they respond to threads which are relevant. Is that so hard to understand?

OP, what you do now is really important. It has to be a non-issue.

I’m gay and came out to my mum and gran as a teenager. My gran laughed. My mum was unsupportive and homophobic. It resulted in me being unable to come out until my late thirties, forcing myself into a heterosexual relationship, and living a very unhappy life. I don’t think I will ever forgive my mum. Nowadays she seems to think she’s doing something amazing by saying she would accept a female partner.

The Middle East issue complicates things somewhat. I don’t have enough knowledge of that to advise. My instinct would be not to take dd to that country again and to support her with any relatives who have homophobic views, make it clear to them when she chooses to come out to them that you won’t tolerate homophobia.

The poster who talked about grieving the future you imagined for your dd, I have children and I don’t identify with that at all. They are young but I don’t assume they are heterosexual. Nor do I assume they will marry (a partner of either gender) or that they will have children or even want children.

Shednik, thank you for sharing your experience, I will try my best to make her life easy, wherever I can, and pray the world is kind to her

Given your background, is your daughter aware that you are more open-minded than the extended family back home?

I think it's lovely that you're being prepared - I do understand that with a different cultural background it's not as simple as "there's no issue" - does your daughter know your mindset well enough to be confident that you'll support her unconditionally?

Struggling with what?.... she's a lesbian - get over it

OP, you might like to check out ahwaa.org. It's a website at up by a lady in Bahrain, and it's an open forum for the LGBTQ community. It's been set up to give people in countries where homosexuality might be either illegal, or still socially problematic, a place to talk, ask questions, and seek advice. It's for those people who are LGBTQ, and for their families.

Hey there. I'm a lesbian and I've dated a woman with a conservative religious background (Asian Muslim) for approximately 5 years and I do understand your concerns. She (to this day) never came out to her parents, and she's mid thirties, from fear of what they might think or do. Mentally she is not doing well.

I suggest supporting her as much as possible and cutting out people in your lives who are a threat to her well-being. You seem like a good mum. It's okay to be shocked when it's your own kid. Hell, I'm a lesbian and I wouldn't want my child to be gay, because I know (from experience) that life will be harder for them.

Just support her and not let her be harmed. Even by relatives.

I'm a lesbian, I didn't tell my family for a long time because I wasn't dating anyone and I didn't see the need to come out as such, I always just wanted to introduce my family to whoever I ended up with, the same way a straight person would. I knew my parents would be ok with it, they always made sure to say 'boyfriend or girlfriend' when talking about relationships, and other little comments like that, so I knew they were open to the idea. My parents actually ended up asking one day if I was gay and I just said yes, because I knew it wasn't an issue for them. I would make sure your daughter knows, as other posters have suggested, that you're ok with the idea, TV lesbians are a good place to start, or read a book with a lesbian character and then talk to her about it maybe? If you find one where the main character has family troubles you could talk about how that upset you and how family should be supportive. Once you feel you've got the message across either wait for her to talk to you, or try something a bit more subtle than directly asking if you feel it's appropriate, see if you can naturally work into conversation that you would be there for your kids if they come out. Once they asked, my parents also offered to put me in touch with a friend who is a lesbian if there was anything I wanted to talk about, so I could get first hand advice.

YesOrNoThatsTheQuestion, no need to contribute if you don't relate to this, I am hearing seeking support not this!

BuffyFan, thank you so much for the link!

MrsRubyMonday , thanks, I already contacted my lesbian friends for support, and if she is willing to talk to them in the future they are glad to do so.

Struggling with what?.... she's a lesbian - get over it

Helpful

Are there any LGBT youth groups near you? My DD was only 15 when she came out and found friendship and support there as opposed to the homophobic bullying at school.

I had guessed DD was a lesbian (the massive crush on a female celeb) and asked her. She initially denied it but I think knowing I was ok with it let her open up when the time was right for her. Maybe talking to her directly will help her?

I read an article in the BBC app which your post reminded me of.
It's called " Is it possible to be Muslim and a lesbian " written from the child's perspective. It's still on the app now.

I can honestly say that if either of my daughters were a lesbian I 100% wouldn't care. Sexuality is sexuality. As long as your kids are happy that's all that matters.
If you think she's struggling with it then you should come to terms with it pronto & support her.
Who you love & fancy in life should 100% not be an issue. But if you live in a country (you said Middle East) if she's gonna get some kind of death penalty then that's a different story 🙈

I understand

Thanks to god you live full time in the UK

I think you have clearly got her back and you are worried more around how the family and her friends react and potential issues there if I am reading right . That’s a very natural concern as the world is not as we wish it could be . Sadly

I think the love and support and normality you provide her now is critical as your tolerant reaction (or no reaction!) will shape her experience . Regarding the wider family , I can see why some counselling might help you navigate such potentially stormy waters. But make sure you locate one who has experience in such matters

There is much likelihood that she will grow up to be a happy , grounded woman and find her happy path . She has as a good a chance as anyone frankly !

How conservative are the family ? Are we talking Saudi Arabian modes or lighter Turkey /Jordan ( which are still very bigoted )

When ready it’s worth reading up on the prevalent more and LBGT in that region. All in good time

You have her back . She is lucky to have you

I have nothing useful to offer as others with experience and knowledge have offered so much good stuff already. I just wanted to say how amazing I think you are and how I am sure that with you around you and your DD will navigate this together in a really positive way.