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Original poster

Do friends with benefits ever work out?

103 replies

Lorddenning1 · 16/12/2018 16:02

Have you got any happily ever stories regarding friends with benefits?

I have had one since October and the lines are becoming a little blurred now and I want to know if they can go further?

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 16/12/2018 16:07

Depends by what you mean by work out?

You mean get together as a couple?

Yep, Me and Dp did. However, it was a bit more complicated in that we had previously been in a relationship.

Personally, when lines get blurred there is a good chance someone will get hurt.

I count myself lucky that do felt the same way as me at the same time. It could have gone very very wrong.

SpadesOfGlory · 16/12/2018 16:12

Well, I married mine eventually! Grin so yes it can work out. But you both have to be on the same page... if one person wants a relationship and the other is firm that that's not going to happen, then there's the potential for a lot of hurt!

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 16/12/2018 16:18

@Notacluethisxmas thanks for the reply, in a nutshell I have come out of long term relationship 4 months ago and the guy I'm seeing is a friend of mine, I didn't want anything serious and neither does he (he has only just got custody of his daughter and doesn't want anything to get in the way)
But the more time I see him the more I like him, I have broken it off a couple of times as I feel on the future I could want more and I don't want to get hurt. He says he can't promise me anything and feels under pressure to promise me anything, and he would rather walk away now.

Recently he made an effort to attend a friends birthday meal and people said it was just to see me, we were flirting all night and ending up seeing each other again, since then he has taken me to the Christmas markets, as he knew I really wanted to go, then the day after he came round mine for a film and takeaway and cuddles, he stayed over and we didn't even have sex, so I'm more confused than ever now.
I don't know if I should just go with it and see how it goes

OP posts:
Redglitter · 16/12/2018 16:20

You have to both be looking for the same thing. Dont start it as a way into a relationship with someone though.

Ive had a FWB for almost 7 years now. It works because we both want the same from each other.

In actual fact Ending up in a conventional relationship could be seen as it not working 😊

Redglitter · 16/12/2018 16:22

What you're describing doesn't sound at all like FWB to me. That sounds like dating

RCohle · 16/12/2018 16:25

It sounds like you both want different things. You started out on the same page and now you want something more. Of course it may well work out, but I think when you're interested in someone it's easy to read too much into their actions and interpret them as signals of reciprocating your feelings.

SuperSuperSuper · 16/12/2018 16:25

The thing is, he's articulated that he doesn't want a relationship. He's made it plain. He obviously fancies you and enjoys your company, but it would be a mistake to assume that he wants to take things further.

He might change his mind but don't hold out for that.

toffeeapple123 · 16/12/2018 16:26

Like many men in these situations, he wants sex and a relationship but without commitment. Listen to what he's saying.

knittedjest · 16/12/2018 16:26

That's how my first 'marriage' happened. This was back in the days of you get pregnant, you get married. We were married for a year and a week then had it annulled. One thing I learned from the experience - there's a reason why you are friends and not a couple in the first place.

'Ex' and I are still very close friends(without benefits) and were great co-parents to our daughter while she was growing up. But we were never a couple even in marriage.

frustratedashell · 16/12/2018 16:26

Funnily enough I've just messaged mine to say I can't see him anymore. I've developed feelings for him, he knows this . He has been badly hurt in the past and won't get into a relationship with anybody. I think he likes me more than he will admit! But I know I will get hurt if I carry on. Hard to stop seeing him but I must

Cherries101 · 16/12/2018 16:27

Be honest with him. Tell him how you feel and that you want a relationship and if he doesn’t you want to end the benefits part of the friendshipZ

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 16/12/2018 16:28

I think I might get hurt too :( that's why I have called it off in the past.

He took a day off work unpaid to take me to the markets, that's what making me think it could be more. He also asked me if we are getting each other anything for Christmas.
He said he would like it if I was seeing someone else as he wouldn't like to play second fiddle but he is ok with me going on dates, iv actually not gone on any because I don't want to :(

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 16/12/2018 16:28

OP that doesn't sound like friends with benefits as it sounds like you want a relationship and he doesn't. I think the term friends with benefits is mostly used when two people have casual sex, and is a way of one person not committing, where the other person would like them to.

Swipetounlock · 16/12/2018 16:30

It sounds like Friends with Double Benefits for him - ie he gets to role play at having a girlfriend but without any committment.

Redglitter · 16/12/2018 16:31

I think the term friends with benefits is mostly used when two people have casual sex, and is a way of one person not committing, where the other person would like them to

I disagree. FWB should be about BOTH people wanting casual sex and neither wanting commitment

bathsh3ba · 16/12/2018 16:31

I think the answer is probably that they can but it's not the norm. By definition friends with benefits means sex without commitment on either side. If one person wants more than the other, it's likely headed for heartbreak.

Tatfreehouse · 16/12/2018 16:34

By work out you mean have a relationship.
By work out, he means have sex and spend time together

He's clearly told you what he wants. Stop reading into it.

GreenDinosaur · 16/12/2018 16:34

Yes, it can work out without you getting involved or hurting each other.
I had a guy I was FWB with for a few years, we used to meet up, watch a film, have wine and end up in bed.
He was great but too similar to me, we would have been a disaster as a relationship.

We dialled it back to just friends when I started dating my eventual DH and everyone was fine with it.
I even used to go watch a film with him sometimes still and he came to my wedding (my DH was aware and had no issues).

Sadly, we haven't seen each other in a while as he got a girlfriend who wasn't keen on our relationship but that's ok, these things don't need to last forever.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 16/12/2018 16:38

Yes sorry the tittle is little unclear I mean, can FWB turn into a relationship?

I may just take a step back and get some space, it doesn't help that I'm all over the place myself, last week I was going to cancel as I thought the markets might be too much and would it be a date etc and that's not what I want, I'm an idiot, I go on the date and become smitten after spending 3 days with him, maybe it's something I can bring up to my councillor.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 16/12/2018 16:41

Yes sorry the tittle is little unclear I mean, can FWB turn into a relationship

Yes it can but youd be crazy to get into one hoping it will. It only works if you both want the same thing. He doesnt want a relationship - you do. Its not going to work and youre going to get hurt

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 16/12/2018 16:45

See that's what I thought too, this is why I ended it but the people around me said I was silly and to see how it goes as he obviously really likes me and I should stop with the pressure and just go with the flow and see how it goes.
They said his actions and what he says to me sound like he is afraid and doesn't want to admit how he feels about me, but he actions speak volumes, Iv no idea anymore

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 16/12/2018 16:46

In my situation dp became very uncomfortable, with the idea of me seeing anyone else. We started doing couple things together. We were acting like a couple for a good while before it came to a head.

He stopped checking I was still ok with the no commitment bit. Stopped mentioning it. I got to your point and nearly ended. Thanks to some mners giving me a talking too, I realised that I would rather him reject me than walk away never knowing.

That night he turned up at my house with a present for my son who was unwell. Then he came round the next morning and we talked while we made breakfast the talk was less scary than I had thought and felt more right than I could have imagined. There was lots of other details but too much to go through, though I did have a thread on here about it. Think it was called 'we aren't doing FWB right' or something along those lines.

The issue is that he could be feeling the same or he could just want someone to act like his girlfriend, but also not commit.

It's impossible for us to tell which camp he falls into. You need to decide if you would rather walk away, never knowing or risk being rejected. Again, only you know which you would prefer.

MyOtherProfile · 16/12/2018 16:47

He said he would like it if I was seeing someone else as he wouldn't like to play second fiddle but he is ok with me going on dates,
Is there a word missing here? He would like it if you were seeing someone else?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 16/12/2018 16:48

I think he's been very clear that he doesn't want a relationship so time to walk away if you do

KatnissMellark · 16/12/2018 16:48

I'm married to my FWB, been together 13 years now. Be careful though, very easy to get hurt.

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