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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do friends with benefits ever work out?

103 replies

Lorddenning1 · 16/12/2018 16:02

Have you got any happily ever stories regarding friends with benefits?

I have had one since October and the lines are becoming a little blurred now and I want to know if they can go further?

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 16/12/2018 16:49

Also remember than for every FWB situation that turns into a relationship, there are tons that don't. Not everyone gets hurt, but they don't go any further.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 16/12/2018 16:51

Sorry that was meant to say he wouldn't like it if I was sleeping with anyone else, so we are exclusive in that respect, u haven't been a date yet so we haven't crossed that bridge.
The only time the no commitment thing gets brought it is when I have a talk to him. He say he doesn't know he will feel in 6 months time, but if I want an answer right now, then he would rather walk away. This was around 3 weeks ago

OP posts:
Redglitter · 16/12/2018 16:57

Hes being very unfair. It sounds like while he wont commit he wants to keep his options open.

If you carry on like this & let him keep calling the shots youre going to get hurt. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it

For a FWB to work you need to be able to keep your feelings in check. The single most important thing is you need to be in it for the same reasons. Youre not

pissedonatrain · 16/12/2018 16:58

I think he's more than told you he's not into long term so I would walk away before you get hurt.

His comment he wouldn't like it if you were sleeping with others is a guy thing meant to lock you down while he continues to look for someone else. I'd move on and date others.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 16/12/2018 17:01

Redglitter, yeah that's what I mean. But I think it's rarely the case that it works out that way. It's usually one person wanting more.

ImNotKitten · 16/12/2018 17:04

What do you mean by the lines are getting blurred? Be very careful about hoping for more unless he has said he’d like to develop it into something more committed too. Probably be a good idea for you to still date other people.

LadyLance · 16/12/2018 17:13

To me, friends with benefits doesn't really involve activities like going to Christmas markets etc. I'd say that's more of a casual dating type activity.

However, he has been really clear and honest with you that he doesn't see anything serious happening in the near future, so if you did label your relationship differently how would that change things? Is it just the exclusivity you are after or would you want more commitment in the future?

It's really important to listen to what people say as well as what they do- you have to assume what he is telling you is the truth.

I would stop getting mutual friends involved in the relationship too, as this may cause some awkwardness in the future.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 16/12/2018 17:15

I know I must sound very deluded here but I am listening to you all.
Without sounding like a proper bitch, because looks are not everything, but he hasn't got girls lining up if u k own what I mean, I get on with him because he is very funny and he makes me laugh and is easy to be around, our friends make jokes and say he is punching above his weight, he also isn't the player type.

I think he has reservations about me also, I think he thinks I might get back with my ex, as I have done in the past, we have 2 DS together so I still see him all the time. He is all scared to death of his ex finding out he has met someone else, he thinks she will get cross and use this as a way of not letting him see his little girl, who he has only just started getting access to.

When I have brought this up with friends, they think I'm being stupid they said u don't want a relationship yet either so what's the problem, why don't U see how it goes, he obviously likes u a lot. Which is true I don't want a relationship yet either, but I would with him in the future :(

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 16/12/2018 17:40

Yes you do sound a proper bitch.

Sorry. Objectively I know my Dp isn't the most handsome man in the world. I am not the most gorgeous either. But to me he is gorgeous. I hate people saying he is punching. I also think people who look at their partner and think 'meh you are lucky you have anyone at all, never mind me' shouldn't be with that person.

I just think there is something off in the relationship if those are your thoughts. I can't help wonder if you just want more, because he doesn't.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 16/12/2018 17:53

I'm not coming across very well on here am I, it wasn't me that said he was punching, I'm with you it doesn't matter what someone looks like, it's what they are to you, and if you haven't already read, im a little smitten with him.
I just wanted to point it out what people have said in case people perceptions of him was some player type guy that has girls on the go all the time. He doesn't, he is actually quite a gent

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 16/12/2018 18:11

Without sounding like a proper bitch, because looks are not everything, but he hasn't got girls lining up if u k own what I mean, I get on with him because he is very funny and he makes me laugh and is easy to be around, our friends make jokes and say he is punching above his weight,

So you didnt say he hasn't exactly got girls lining up for him? You clearly think he is punching too.

Else why would any of that matter.

I get that you might be smitten. But I do think it's because he is saying no.

Dirtybadger · 16/12/2018 18:20

I've had successful FWB situations before current relationship. They ran their course. It was fine/nice.
If either of you want more then it isn't a fwb situations really though. It's just one of you hanging around waiting for the other to chabge their mind. If someone wanted me to be exclusive with them but for there to be no other commitment or future progression then I would tell them to jog on. Joker.

Iloveautumnleaves · 16/12/2018 18:28

That’s NOT FWB, that’s ‘taking things slowly’.

You’ve only been out of a LTR 4 months... why can’t you just see where this goes? He said not saying ‘no’, he’s saying ‘slow’. He’s committed to not having sex it’s anyone else, why do you need any more than that at this stage?

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 16/12/2018 18:49

@Iloveautumnleaves that's what my friends have been saying to me,
I will be honest if he jumped in with both feet and said right come on I want u to meet my mum, i would get freaked out and think it's too soon etc,
I like the idea of it being "taking things slow" I think him taking me to the markets and him saying shall we get each other something for Christmas has changed the FWB situation for me, it just feels a bit more than that. Thank you for tor take on it :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 16/12/2018 18:50

Your*

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 16/12/2018 20:19

holy shit balls

GreenDinosaur · 16/12/2018 20:37

Doesn't sound like FWB to me, more like casual dating as a PP said. Maybe just have a chat with him?

mrbob · 16/12/2018 21:11

That’s not FWB or taking things slowly either. That is him wanting to have all the benefits of relationship while still maintaining the right at any point to walk away/sleep with someone else/ghost you/dial it back without you being able to complain because “I said I didn’t want a relationship” Dick. Move on

NotTheFordType · 17/12/2018 03:03

Why would his ex give a shit?

...oh god. Youre not all teenagers are you?

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 17/12/2018 06:58

His ex is quite controlling and jealous and a little unhinged, he has only just started seeing his daughter since the summer and I think he is scared if she finds out about me, things could turn sour for him.
Why do we sound like teenagers?

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 17/12/2018 07:03

Honestly, as some with a partner who has a Batshit ex, just be careful of that excuse.

I have experience of a Batshit ex, so know it happens. However my ex husband has told his current girlfriend all sorts of shit that isn't true about me and what I will do if he files for divorce. I don't give a shit, I would be quite happy of he does.

If she tries to stop him seeing the child there are legal steps he can take. And let's be fair she could do that over anything. He needs to sort out a legal agreement in regards to the child in any case. This excuse could carry you through alot of years.

Notacluethisxmas · 17/12/2018 07:03

I also can't help wonder why, if she is unhinged he isn't fighting to have the child full time.

Original poster
Lorddenning1 · 17/12/2018 07:24

He has been through the courts, and he has finally been given access to her (this was summer) his ex has to let him see his daughter because the courts say so, not through choice, so at the minute he is trying to not rock the boat with her and is trying to keep everything rosy, at the minute it's going ok with them but it hasn't in the past and because she is a jealous person, he doesn't want her to get wind of him seeing anyone, and then try to make things difficult for him again, which I understand to be honest, he knows he can't act like his forever with her though.

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 17/12/2018 07:53

So she would go against the courts?

Then he has recourse. Or he can carry on letting his ex control his life.

Again, if she is actually unhinged, then why isn't he fighting to have the child full time?

BifsWif · 17/12/2018 08:00

I’ve been married to mine for 7 years.

It wasn’t an easy road, one of us kept breaking it off and then it’d start up again. This went on for a couple of years until we both admitted how we felt and we’ve been together ever since.

You need to have an honest conversation with him. It does sound like he likes you.

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