Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need some advice from a man please...

59 replies

LazyDaisy87 · 06/12/2018 20:52

... or from a woman who understands men!

I'm physically separated from someone I consider to be my soulmate. I think he feels the same way. Will he be missing me or is it a case of out of sight out of mind for guys?

OP posts:
Keepithidden · 06/12/2018 20:59

It's never a case of a man thinks X, a woman thinks Y I'm afraid.

It would be a lot easier if it was!

But if you think he feels the same way about you, then chances are he is feeling the same emotions as you.

DanFmDorking · 06/12/2018 21:01

I think he feels the same way.
If this is true then he will be missing you,
Send him a chatty message and see how quickly he replies, the tone and go from there.
Good luck.

Thejezebel · 06/12/2018 21:01

I don't think it would be easy to generalise. Some men might deeply miss you, for others, you would be but a fleeting thought.

I'm not a man.

User1011 · 06/12/2018 21:03

I don't think it would be easy to generalise. Some men might deeply miss you, for others, you would be but a fleeting thought.

I'm not a man.

Exactly this.

NotTheFordType · 06/12/2018 21:04

always make sure you make shit tea and coffee, and can't type, otherwise bosses will put you where you belong in the pigeonhole

Original poster
LazyDaisy87 · 06/12/2018 21:04

DanFmDorking we have messaged each other about every other day since we parted. Sometimes he initiates the messages, sometimes I do. He always replies quickly and with warmth.

OP posts:
Original poster
LazyDaisy87 · 06/12/2018 21:06

We're told that men are attracted in a different way to women, they fall in love in a different way. I thought they might miss/not miss in a different way too.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 06/12/2018 21:09

My (male) partner misses me far more than I (female) miss him.

It's not something you can generalise.

NotTheFordType · 06/12/2018 21:12

We're told that men are attracted

Who told you that?

Fairenuff · 06/12/2018 21:13

Just google song lyrics missing you/thinking about you and see how many are written by men.

Of course they have feelings the same as any other human.

OccasionallyIncomplet · 06/12/2018 21:16

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

Fairenuff · 06/12/2018 21:20

Nah, we're all from earth. You've just been socially conditioned to believe that.

oofadoofa · 06/12/2018 21:27

Bit of both. Out of sight out of mind in public, perhaps trying to occupy the mind with beer and new aquantences. Then once the background noise of the day abates and one is confronted by the dark and lonely corners of the mind, wallowing self pity accompanied by vivid dreams of what could have been, begin their nightly taunt.

If, that is, he is indeed missing his soul mate.

(Sorry, didn’t mean for it sound so dramatic when I started writing that paragraph, but that’s how it was for me, anyway..)

Applecrabs · 06/12/2018 21:36

When going through a similar situation, my Brother-in-law said to me, if a man wants to be with you he will do whatever it takes to make it work. If he doesn't, it's not meant to be. I think that's good advice.

alvinp · 06/12/2018 21:51

Most of us have advanced far enough to develop object permanence, so yes we miss people too.

(In between thinking about sex 64 times a day!)

KeepServingTheDrinks · 06/12/2018 22:50

I'm not a man either, but I think that some people are good at compartmentalising and some are less good. Some people are able to distract themselves and others less so. Some people dwell and imagine, others don't.

I don't like thinking of men as a different species. They're not. Some men are arseholes, and some are lovely. Same as women.

The trick is to find decent people (for relationships, friendships, etc).

As far as advice goes, someone wise once told me that if a man is into you, you don't have to ask - you'll know. It's very good advice. If you have to ask.. he isn't.

I like NotTheFordType's posts on this thread!

ChristmasRaven · 06/12/2018 23:00

alvinp actually makes a very good point. I was neglected as a child and didn’t fully develop object permanence (i’m female). And for me it really is out of sight out of mind. If I’m away from someone I don’t really think about them and (at that point) am not overly concerned with seeing them again. Once I do then I feel I did miss them in a way but definitely not at the time. Ok my situation isn’t the norm but it does show what others are saying, in that male/female doesn’t make a difference. It’s about the individual.

Orangesandpears · 07/12/2018 00:56

I’ve just been reading about object permanence after this thread and it explains so much about someone I’m close to.

Replying to the actual thread though - I don’t think missing someone or not has anything to do with gender. You can never know either as people cope differently depending on their inner resilience, what’s going on in their lives, whether they are natural ruminators etc

Tony2 · 07/12/2018 02:50

I'm a bloke. 58. Married in 1991, divorced in 2007. My wife had a long affair with a mate. I loved her, and I still miss her. Divorce was the most devastating thing. If I could only go back, just talk you know. I am lucky to still be in touch with 2 women I went out with in 70s, 80s. Both married. Just idle, any news type stuff, til one texted she'd been emergencied to hospital. ((Thankfully ok ish). Real connections that never go. I miss them too, bloody brilliant both. I have no clue abt other men, they baffle me sometimes, but if I ever loved, I can't unlove, and I will always miss them, if only cos I can't selfishly say, do you remember when such and such happened and we giggled like school kids. So many women I've worked with, god I miss a few. Best working day of my life with one, middle of nowhere on site, electrical storm, I suggest we run like fuck. Giggle, Jesus. To be totally twattish, if any woman I ever knew rang me from the wrong side of Ulaan Batoor and said don't suppose you could give me a hand (or any bloke) I'd say yeah sure, first plane out. Just loyalty, we loved, I miss you, I owe you. Apologies for sentimental droning!

ALittleBitConfused1 · 07/12/2018 06:03

I'm sure men miss like women do. If the care and think about someone why wouldnt they miss them too.
That being said I'm a female and I rarely miss people. I don't know why. I sometimes fleetingly think about someone if I'm not with them and I get excited when I see them but that's it.

BettyCrook · 07/12/2018 06:11

OP if you believe in soulate and gender stereotypes maybe look up his astrological chart?
I think its difficult to say because he might be the type that once theyve made up their mind thats it even if it hurts them or they could be the type that makes a decision and then gets on with it happilynever thinking about it again..oor he could be seeming to move on but not really attached to anyone and still thinking about you..the thing is i really agree with the PP who said if they want to be they'll find a way. even if just to say they will wait for you.. so if he is your soulmate he should be doing more to show you he still is there for you.

VictoriaBun · 07/12/2018 06:20

I think it depends on the individual. For example I've been married for over 10 years. He has adult children and his first wife has recently died. He has contacted his sons to speak with them but doesn't seem to have any personal emotions connected to his ex. I didn't know her particularly well ( have met in social situations etc) but I seem more upset at her death than he does.

IAmNotLikeThat · 07/12/2018 06:41

A man could have created the same thread by asking the same question OP, sexes reversed. There’s your answer. It’s that simple really.

GoblinsAndGhouls · 07/12/2018 08:09

We're told that men are attracted in a different way to women, they fall in love in a different way. I thought they might miss/not miss in a different way too.

Who told you this? Where exactly have you got this nonsense from?

People are attracted in different ways to each other; they express love differently and they respond to absences differently too.

This is not dictated by their sex. This is dictated by their personality.

I don't miss people - ever. My most recent ex boyfriend still texts me regularly to tell me he loves me; that he misses me; that it will break his heart when I move on.

Yet he was the one who ended it because he feared losing me to the point where the anxiety was overwhelming and it was easier for him to end it and feel in control of it than have me end it and it come out of the blue.

Whatever the truths of the matter are, it's not the woman who is behaving like this in our dynamic. It's the man. So how does that fit in with your ideas.

GoblinsAndGhouls · 07/12/2018 08:48

ChristmasRaven

Agree with that 100%!!

My son often tells me I have no object permanence...