Husband leaving after 24 years

[Trudeau2525]

My husband of 24 years told me a few months ago that he wasn’t happy. Doesn’t feel the spark, attraction anymore. After a few months of trying to work on the relationship, he decided last week that he can’t do it anymore and has organized a flat to rent and will be moving out after his return from work trip overseas on Friday. Kids 15, 18, 20 are completely clueless as we never argued (obviously didn’t communicate very well either) and will be crushed when they find out dad’s moving out. Anyone have any advise on how to break the news? I’m dreading it and struggling to cope with my own emotions- not eating, sleeping- but want to get strong for the kids. Struggling with Christmas as well.

Firstly sending you hugs OP I don’t have any advice in this particular area unfortunately however I didn’t want to read and run.

I hope your eldest are surportive towards you I’m sure they will be, I can only think back when my mum told me that her and my step dad were divorcing (I was around 17) and I was there 100% for my mum even though she didn’t do things in the right way. I was still there so hope you too have the comfort of surport from your DC.

I do hope you feel better as time moves along, very cliche but time is a massive healer. Have you got support IRL?

Big hugs OP. My kids were a lot younger when their dad and I separated... but it’s never easy. They’ll be others who offer good advice to you on here. In the mean time stay strong.

Sadly, cherchez la fame. There’s another woman, it’s the script.

Not helpful really for posters to start speculating, the op only asked for advice on how to break the news to her kids.

My advise - you don't.

He tells them.

End of.

Don't take responsibility for his decision.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Hopefully if there's no financial stress it can be the beginning of a brilliant new chapter in your life

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think the only advise I can give you is, that you speak to them together or get him to break the news to them and explain himself.

If you do decide to speak to them together be prepared to answer their questions which you may not necessarily have the answers to.

Wishing you strength so you can get through this x

Thanks for the support everyone. We will be telling them together on Friday. As it is not my decision to separate, husband will be answering the why question. TBH I’m not even exactly sure why!! I want to make sure that they know that it’s not their fault and that we are still a family albeit a very different one than what they were used to.

Any others in a similar situation and finds it hard to just get up in the morning and get motivated to do anything? All the things I used to enjoy doing, I have no interest in. Just doing the bare minimum to get by at the moment. Emotions are like a roller coaster. Does this ever get better???

Cherchez la fame or la femme?

I’ve asked the question about possible OW, multiple times. Always denies. My gut says that there isn’t, but after reading so many posts, can’t help but question it.

TBH despite the denials, there generally is an OW.

I'd let him worry about how the news is broken because it's his decision. You're grieving right now & so everything feels like a chore, you've lost the life you had, you're probably questioning every aspect of that life & are walking round on egg shells. Emotionally you're drained right now & need to give yourself a break. Baby steps for now x

P.s. I promise you it does get better. One day you wake up & notice you're feeling that little bit better, not so weighted down & you'll smile.

The coming days, weeks and months will not be easy BUT life will get easier and happier again until one day you will look back and be grateful for your new life that you will build.

Try to hang onto the knowledge that it will get easier with time.

Flowerpot2005
Thank you. So hard to imagine coming out the other side of this, but it’s very encouraging to hear that people have.

Yes his responsibilty to explain. Sending love, 24 years is a long time. Must be a massive shock. Take one day at a time

@Downeyhouse
Thank you

24 years married-27 years all up. It’s all I’ve ever known. Still a bit surreal that it’s actually happening.

Hi @Trudeau25.

My STBXH left me in March this year after being married 23 years together 25. He’d been having an affair which I discovered so he wasn’t left with any choice but to leave. I’m not, for a minute, suggesting your “D”H is cheating on you.

You’ve got a difficult time ahead of you but you will get through it, one day at a time. I’m almost 9 months post separation and I’m coping well for the most part. I still have my down days and I’m really nervous about facing my first Christmas without him but I know I’ll get through it.

I’ve had a thread on MN for almost the entire time since the break up and the advice and encouragement has been a god send.

My DS is 33 so doesn’t live with me, you’re lucky that your DC’s live with you so you have to keep going for their sakes.

Keep strong OP, take it one day at a time and, most importantly, keep posting on here. You’ll get loads of good advice and support.

Take care 💐

-Lily007
Thank you. The support is amazing. Whenever I start to get overwhelmed and start to crash, I come here. So many people going through the same thing. Sad really.

-Lily007
Just read through your threads. It sounds like you’ve gotten much stronger over time. So far no OW, but it does seem the norm on here. Christmas will be a challenge for sure.

One day at a time is the key. Learn small kindnesses for yourself - when I think back to the early days for me, the kindnesses were a wash! Six months later I'm taking a weekend away. Keep a routine as much as possible, and make sure you eat. MN have got you

-MoneyHoney
Just started to be able to be able to eat a bit again. That may change after we tell the kids this weekend. Do you have kids?

In all honesty whether there is an OW or not doesn't really matter, he is leaving and you are handling it really well so far, for you and for the kids. Of course it will be rough to start with - and a wise friend once told me not to make any quick decisions, nobody is capable of being rational when the news is so fresh. He will have been thinking it over for a while so may have some pretty concrete thoughts about what happens next; don't be rushed into anything, take time to think and see how the kids react too.

My (male) friend/colleague has just done this to his wife, about 2 weeks ago. He says that he has struggled for about three years due to the lack of affection and sex. He talked about it back then, she promised to work on the relationship and then didn't. He felt hopeless and wanted a different life but it's taken a couple of years for him to work out what to do, concerned about his children.

I haven't asked if there's another woman because I might not believe his answer.

He's a mixture of emotions, relieved and scared.

They told the children together, and it was bad. His daughters aren't speaking to him but his son is a bit more accepting.

He will have been thinking it over for a while so may have some pretty concrete thoughts about what happens next; don't be rushed into anything, take time to think and see how the kids react too.

This is pretty much the other thing I wanted to advise too. He has to let you catch up with him as he's way ahead of you.

-PurpleWithRed
That’s good advice. Not my usual way, so I’ve really had to force myself to not think too far ahead and freak out. He’s so far ahead in the thought process! He’s made a definite decision and now I’m trying to catch up. At this stage I’m focusing all my energy on the kids. It kills me that they have to go through this. If there’s an OW, that will be another level of hurt for both me and the kids.

It’s always “there must be an OW” where the bloke is leaving but it’s “you don’t need to have a reason to leave” if it’s a woman saying she’s separating. Different day, same MN preconceptions.

OP - sorry to hear you’re going through this, it’s never easy but just before the holiday is particularly hard. My first Christmas broken up (exW cheated, decided the grass was greener) was pretty awful. Kids were a lot younger than yours but then again the relationship had been half your marriage, so...

As PP have said, it gets better over time. You’ll get to a point in about 8-9 months where your head clears and you’ll see there’s a life after this. Just make sure you don’t rush into any financial decisions, but equally don’t let the divorce process drag on.