Husband leaving after 24 years

[Trudeau2525]

My husband of 24 years told me a few months ago that he wasn’t happy. Doesn’t feel the spark, attraction anymore. After a few months of trying to work on the relationship, he decided last week that he can’t do it anymore and has organized a flat to rent and will be moving out after his return from work trip overseas on Friday. Kids 15, 18, 20 are completely clueless as we never argued (obviously didn’t communicate very well either) and will be crushed when they find out dad’s moving out. Anyone have any advise on how to break the news? I’m dreading it and struggling to cope with my own emotions- not eating, sleeping- but want to get strong for the kids. Struggling with Christmas as well.

It takes time. Go easy on yourself. You have a long shared history.

That thought process I described really helped me and you are right, you both need to want to work on the relationship. If he isn't prepared to do that then hope of a reconciliation is gone.

I see now on reflection how much I did for my ex. I tried my best to make him happy and it often meant neglecting myself and my needs in the process.

Change is difficult, but I'm thriving now. I don't miss my ex and I wish him well.

Bottom line is I want more from a partner than he could provide and in staying with him I'd have been missing out. You will get there too. Xx

@HereIgoagainxx
Thank you. You’re story really resonates with me. I hope I can be where you’re at eventually. Hard to imagine but it gives me hope reading your words.

Love yourself, want the best for yourself. Something I did after my split was treat myself. Little things like expensive-ish toiletries made me value myself and feel deserving of nice things. I always put my ex's needs before my own. It was quite liberating to focus on me. I also set about eating better and lost a stone. I felt great and the compliments were a lovely ego boost.

I also recommend a book called 'Women who love too much'. It really resonated with me and may help you,too.

Here's a link. Check out the reviews :)
www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216?tag=mumsnetforum-21

So sorry OP.
Heartbreaking.

@Lily007 just saw your name and I was wondering where I'd seen it before. I remember now, was earlier on in the year when I was pregnant with severe hyperemesis and I'd be really sick vomiting, in hospital mostly or at home occasionally and I was reading your thread, thinking how strong you were. I just remembered. Sorry just had to add that in!

OP I sympathise and agree with other posters you should let your Husband tell the kids. You need to think of yourself and not make it easy for him. Get him to commit to when he will see the children.

I think you do have to consider the possibility of an OW, as its more unusual for a man to walk without one, but i hope there is not. I know its hard to function, to sleep, to eat (eat soup) but you just have to take each day as it comes and dont think too far ahead. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself to nice things to make you feel good, take relaxing long baths, get a massage, get nails done, remember that its grief you are going through and it will take a while to heal. Exercise is great for emotional tension.

My exh told me a few days before xmas one year after 14 years of marriage that he was in love with someone else. Never said before he was unhappy and we always got on well so i was shocked to the core. We had been trying for a baby unsucessfully with ivf which of course was a strain. After him toing and froing with indecision we had a big row and he stormed off and that was that! (That was boxing day!) We were renting a flat had given notice and were moving to a friends cottage. I moved to cottage and hoped he would follow but he renewed lease in old flat and moved OW in 6 weeks later! I was devastated. I collected last of my stuff which had been put in a binbag in the garage while she watched. That was a low point! He became someone I no longer knew and I grieved for ages for the man that was ‘gone’. I couldnt eat and lost weight. Initial 6 months were hard I was having to do new things and I didnt want to do things different, I wanted old life i knew back, BUT i had good friends, supportive parents, a wonderfully supportive boss at work and had bad days and then better days and then fewer bad days. Fast forward 14 years I see it as the making of me! I became independent and frankly liberated. I now have a DP and a DS who we both adore, and life is much much better. (ExH on the other hand lives alone as didnt last OW was a bunny boiler so there is some justice! )
Be kind to yourself. Dont torture yourself thinking about what HE is feeling. Also i suggest getting legal advice re financials and dont assume he will be fair on that- he may well be, but may not and you need to protect yourself
My heart goes out to you and i wish you all the best

@Lozzerbmc
Sorry to hear about the heartbreak you’ve been through, but you seem to have come out the other side so well. I too hope to become more independent as I feel that husband has become quite a security blanket for me over the years. The future is very scary at the moment and it’s hard to see ever being at a place where you are now. Every poster has said it gets better with time, but it is hard to believe. Just have to trust in the those that have been through it already. Sadly there are so many.

Sorry this is happening to you, when you wrote he’s leaving before Christmas I though OW...

Pressure is on for him to be away by Xmas - sorry
But if there wasn’t an OW most people would stick around their dc for Xmas

I would suggest for yourselves to try and do something simple, even have a meal on Xmas Eve and a pj day eating left overs in 25th, keep things very low key and don’t try and replicate what you’ve alway done - as that can make things worse

💐 hugs to you and your children

@PatricksRum. Thank you, I hope all went well after what sounds like a horrible pregnancy.

@Trudeau25. It’s going to be a difficult time, there’s no easy way through it. I was lucky that I was able to go total NC as my DS is grown. I would, however, recommend NC as much as possible. Let him contact your DC’s directly to arrange seeing them. I think you heal faster if you can cut all ties with him for a few months.

I was off sick from work for 10 weeks which, with hindsight, was a mistake as when I went back to work I felt better for being busy and having people around me.

It’s 9 months for me now and I’m getting stronger every day. I have lots of good family and friends IRL who have supported me and, of course, all the kind MNers who have been amazing. If you need to vent or are just feeling sad, just post and you’ll get loads of support and advice on here.

My advice is to let him go, don’t cry, beg or plead, just try to be calm and detached. Keep your dignity.

I suspect my STBXH is still perplexed that I didn’t beg him to stay and that I have never tried to contact him. That makes me smile, I’m sure it must have dented his ego.

I really hope there is no OW but, as others have said, be prepared that there may be.

Keep strong for your DC’s tomorrow and make sure you allow him to do the explaining 💐

Hi Trudeau. My H of 28 years left at about this time of year 4 years ago now. For 6 months I'd had, we don't want the same things, we have grown apart, I don't know what I want and I need time to think about that........ I thought it was a bad patch and we both cared enough about each other to work it out.

The children were 21 and 23 at the time. The youngest and her boyfriend were living with us (she'd got pregnant, bf was abusive, they moved in with us and at the time of my H leaving, the baby was about a year old) and that had been very hard for me, my H coped by going to work knowing I was handling things.

However.....there was an OW, and he'd made his mind up to go, and once that was clear, he did leave. I empathise with your feeling that your H is way ahead of you and you are playing catch up with your emotions and your responses. Mine made his decision and got used to it long before I had an inkling of what was really going on.

Anyway, I was present, but I made sure my h told the children. It's his decision, there is no reason for you to make it easy for him.

2 other things: my H refused to see the DC on his own (without OW) and said he was leaving because he deserved some happiness now. The DC felt really rejected and both felt that the past had somehow not been what they thought it was and felt destabilised (especially the older DD expressed this, maybe because she had no significant other to offload onto).

Second, I think it's hard for older children, and they are your children, it's not right to see them as adults who can cope. Mine both acted out to me, it was as if they couldn't rely on H, so they didn't try to, but they tested me over and over again. Be prepared!!

And 4 years on, I'm glad he went, and I'm glad it was his decision not mine. I remember, especially at this time of year, how utterly bereft and hurt and sad I was, but please trust that it gets easier, one learns to accommodate it, with time. Take care of you, and if you can, I'd recommend counselling for support for you. You are really important and the next few months will be tough. And get a decent lawyer.

Thanks everyone. This weekend has been rough. Lots of emotions and the disbelief that this is really happening. It just keeps going through my head about how he can be so sure about his decision when he knows it’s going to destroy so much. He’s dreading telling the kids, naturally, his parents, our friends knowing that it’s going to hit the fan, yet it’s still what he wants (no needs) to do. Very demoralizing for me. How bad must it be with me that he’s willing to go through all that and possibly lose so much. I think my self esteem has hit rock bottom.

Hi OP I am exactly in the same position as you but 3 months on. 24 years married, 30 years together and all we’ve both known as adults together. 3 older DCs (21,19,16). Be prepared for OW (my counsellor told me statistically men rarely leave unless there is someone else at least waiting in the wings emotionally if not a full physical affair yet) mine came to light only 4 weeks after he moved out claiming breakdown etc, needed space. It is really really hard. There is the initial shock and adrenaline which lasts for days and then you get into a routine and have some better days, but then the relentlessness gets you down which is where I am now and the realisation that this is this for ever and life will never be the same again. Stay strong, be kind to yourself. I will check back on thread tomorrow when I have more energy but wanted to say something when i came across your thread. You are not alone

Hope the week is better Trudeau

I'm so sorry OP. Telling you it DOES get better doesn't help right now but it really does, I promise!

I truly believe that a man doesn't 'just leave' without having a plan. Whether there is someone right now, or someone in the wings, men almost always go TO something/someone. You need to be prepared for that though I know that doesn't help.

Wishing you strength as you rediscover how strong and worthy YOU are.

Is there anything that you have always wanted to do but couldn’t or didn’t have time? When I got divorced I didn’t realise how much of myself i’d Lost. I went to concerts/the theatre/walking groups etc etv

My saddest moment happened when I was staying with some close friends. In the morning they asked me how I wanted my egg- boiled/fried/poached/scrambled. I was lost. I remember thinking what would x have had/wanted me to have and I completely lost the plot.
Spend some time remebering who you actually are. I did, and I discovered I am awesome! You will too! Xxx

@Tralalalala1
That describes me exactly. I’ve been wife and mum for so long that I’ve lost myself. At the moment not finding pleasure in anything that I used to do. It’s like a switch has been turned off. Mornings are the hardest- struggle to get motivated to get out of bed. If it weren’t for the kids, I probably wouldn’t. I know everyone says it will get better with time. I just have to trust that as it’s hard to believe right now.

@trudeau25. Good luck for today. I know it will be awful and you're still in such shock but ultimately it's his responsibility. Unfortunately tho it seems to be so often that as mothers who just want the best for our children we get to clear up the mess while trying to keep ourselves above water.
You can only do what you can about this so please don't beat yourself up for the days when you want to stay in bed.
My STBX did something similar earlier this year (but different to you he said someone else was interested and he was tempted..)
I was totally thrown and spent longer than I should have in trying to work on fixing us while he said he needed to move out to clear his head. Anyway all that my working on us did was allow him to increase his apathy to the point where he's still not moved out but we're very much not fixed and my healing is starting months later than it should have done.
Like others have said, take care of you - hard as that sounds. It's gutwrenching I know. I'm also trusting to what others say about it getting better and can feel that I've strengthened over the months. You will too
Take care

@Trudeau25 - you too will come out the other side but it takes time. I know its hard to put one foot in front of the other but just take your time and focus on yourself and kids and dont worry about him or others. I hope you are ok, its horrible i know for you. Men are such idiots

@Trudeau25 how are you doing?

@Lozzerbmc
Told the kids Sunday night. So far they’ve taken it better than expected. But then again, I had imagined the absolute worst. We are very amicable. I’m struggling to find the anger with him leaving. Just regret and incredible sadness that it got to this point. Struggling with the “what ifs”.

Op hope you are ok. I’m 5 years from from discovering my ExH affair. It was very hard but it does get better. Going non contact really does help. No personal conversations just focus on the children. You will get stronger but there will be days that are awful. But they will become fewer. Good luck.

@Beansandcoffee
Thank you. Hits me hard sometimes that this is my new reality. So many regrets and “what if’s”.

I remember feeling like this, you are going to have lots of different emotions going forward. I agree, once he has left, try to go NC. It really helps, you need to start putting yourself and children first. Have you got some close friends you can lean on ?

You will end up putting on a brave face for the children but you also need someone to support you. x

@Feelingfree
At this point I’m focusing 100% on the kids. They are dealing with everything fairly well considering. It is emotionally exhausting trying to stay positive for them while my own head is all over the place. In saying that, they are my saving grace. Without them around I would be lost.