Husband leaving after 24 years

[Trudeau2525]

My husband of 24 years told me a few months ago that he wasn’t happy. Doesn’t feel the spark, attraction anymore. After a few months of trying to work on the relationship, he decided last week that he can’t do it anymore and has organized a flat to rent and will be moving out after his return from work trip overseas on Friday. Kids 15, 18, 20 are completely clueless as we never argued (obviously didn’t communicate very well either) and will be crushed when they find out dad’s moving out. Anyone have any advise on how to break the news? I’m dreading it and struggling to cope with my own emotions- not eating, sleeping- but want to get strong for the kids. Struggling with Christmas as well.

-GreenHillOpposite
How old are his kids? At least he talked about it with his wife. I never had a chance as he never said anything until he pretty much made up his mind.

I really sympathise with you. It's one of the worst things. Worse than a bereavement in some ways. You need to be really really kind to yourself. It's a roller coaster of emotions. But eventually you will begin to feel better and one day things will feel manageable again. All the best. Hugs.

I am sorry to hear op.
Are your finances going to be ok?

@Trudeau2525 I do, they are younger than yours. They were obviously very upset but the routine has been key. I've always done everything for them and have continued to. It's been hard with regard to my ex as he's gone full Disney Dad now and they are enraptured by the attention, but there's not much I can do about that. Get money sorted ASAP also

-Changedname3456
Thank you. It’s hard to imagine ever getting to that stage where things look good again. Thinking about the finances kind of freaks me out. I think I need to be a bit stronger mentally to even go there. Right now everything is ok, but it’s the the future that’s scary.

I'm sorry you're going through this Trudeau. There's not necessarily another woman, it could just be that the relationship has come to an end in his eyes. My brother did this year's ago, left his wife and sons (18 and 20 at the time). I think he'd been unhappy for years but decided to stay until the youngest turned 18. Definitely no other woman, he lived at mum's for several months until finding a job abroad. His youngest (now mid 30's) left his partner of 14 years this summer (no children), and is living alone. He's just started OLD. Just thought I'd give a couple of examples to show not all men have another woman waiting in the wings. My brother leaving did have a big impact on the boys, and their relationship has been tenuous ever since, largely due to my brother being offended that they don't make much effort, don't appreciate that he stayed for their benefit when he was so unhappy. It's important that your DH makes the effort to be in their lives, and not expect them to do the running.

-Changedname3456
Thank you. My gut says that it’s not an OW, but plenty of people on here have said that and found out that they were wrong. Time will tell. One of my biggest fears is that they’ll lose their relationship with their father. In spite of everything, he’s not a bad person and the kids adore him. I hope his attitude towards them doesn’t change as so many others on here have said can happen. Especially if he ends up with something else with kids of her own (which will destroy me that little bit more). See projecting ahead again! Sometimes I just can’t help it!!

DancingInTheCellar
Oops sorry meant to direct that to you!

t’s always “there must be an OW” where the bloke is leaving but it’s “you don’t need to have a reason to leave” if it’s a woman saying she’s separating. Different day, same MN preconceptions

Two different scenarios. Very often men leaving a marriage like someone to jump to. So OW is fairly common. And very common to deny one if there is.

The second comment is wrt to women who are unhappy in a shit relationship but feel it’s not shit enough to leave.

My brother handled it badly. He felt the boys would reject him for leaving their mum, so he expected them to make the effort so he wouldn't feel so bad, while they were obviously feeling rejected and felt he should put the effort into maintaining contact. He had been a good dad on the whole but got it so wrong by expecting reassurance from them when he was the one who left. For years now the attitude on both sides has been "well he's got my number, he could contact me". Very sad. I hope your husband is more emotionally mature than that.

My ex husband left for "the grass in greener lady" two years ago. It destroyed our family, yet two years on... my "own" house is lit up with Christmas sparkles, happy children, an abundance of pets and the sound of laughter.

The ex is now alone and lives abroad in a rented flat.

The hurt will always be there, but you have to push yourself HARD to keep living life to the full.

Good luck..xxx

@Trudeau25 - I'm in a similar situation (although I was a problem drinker which caused his unhappiness so I am carrying a lot of guilt). H said there was no OW but there was - he "only" had EA until he left then it was physical so in his head, it wasn't an affair.

There is not always an OW but the vast majority of the time, men stay in relationships when they are unhappy - men are socialised in a completely different way to women and can therefore compartmentalise their lives - so for example, most men will happily have sex with their partner even if they don't love them, they are annoyed with them etc. women are socialised to equate sex with love therefore are less likely to do that. so most men will not leave a relationship, even if it is not making them happy, until they have a better offer. that is the reality. so maybe OW was not the cause of him leaving but gave him an exit affair opportunity. To be brutally honest, I was glad to find out when I was feeling really bad - if you are already in the shit, its best to have a bit more then rather than get out of it and then be dragged back in at a later date when you were starting to feel better again - well that was my rationale.

In terms of coping - 100% agree with other posters saying don't make any rash decisions. I'm 4 months down the line and I nearly bought a flat one month after he'd left - I'm so glad I didn't now as he is still paying for our current house which is a great help financially.

I put myself out there with friends, even those where the friendship had slipped a little, and they have been amazing. Keep your days busy - I remember driving home the long way all the time so I would get home later and not have too long an evening stretched before me.

My DC are young adults but I totally over compensated, again partly to fill my time/the void. I did all the house hold chores and let them out of doing anything for themselves - tided their rooms, did all their washing and ironing etc. Don't do this!!! The time will come (I am there now) when you won't feel the need to fill every waking hour with "stuff" and it is hard getting mine to do their own chores again.

Make lists of all the things that were negative about your relationship to give you some perspective. Think of the things you can do now that you couldn't then. We had a very strict routine about dinner and I love being more relaxed about that now. It helps stop the rose tinted glasses perspective.

Trudeau
his children are something like 11, 13 and 15. As you say, his wife isn't surprised. Her main reaction has been disbelief. She thinks he'll come slinking back when he can't work the washing machine. He finds this baffling as he's very capable domestically and does a lot around the house despite her being the SAHM.

You really will survive this x

@DancingInTheCellar
I’d like to think he’s emotionally mature enough, but from what I’ve read here, that tend to change from the person you used to know. That worries me.

@Purpleship
I so hope we get to that point. Thank you.

@saltandvinegarcrisps1
Thank you for the great advice. I think you’re probably right about men vs women. At least it seems that way with so many people on here.

@GreenHillOpposite
I only wish that I had had the chance to work on the relationship before it got to this stage. By the time he told me he was unhappy, he had already pretty much already decided.

I only wish that I had had the chance to work on the relationship before it got to this stage. By the time he told me he was unhappy, he had already pretty much already decided.

Yes, that's how I felt when my partner did it to me. I felt completely disenfranchised.

This was me just over 2 years ago. OW surfaced 3 months after he moved out. Teenage children were obviously upset but they adapted really quickly and are both now very happy, as am I. It’s a long road, whatever the reason, but you will come out the other side. Take care x

-Feelingfree
Thank you. Hope my three adapt as well as your kids did. Wow , three months before the OW surfaced. How do they keep it a secret for so long!!??

He was seeing her for over a year and I didn’t have a clue. We too never argued and on the surface seemed the perfect couple. Some people are good liars. This may not be the case with you, he may not be cheating, but be prepared just in case x

That’s what everyone on here has said so I’m trying to prepare myself for that possibility.

@Feelingfree
Were your kids blindsided? Because we never argued and I didn’t really see it coming myself, I’m worried the kids will be utterly shocked by it.

Yes they were it came as a huge shock. My son took it better than my daughter and she still has a strained relationship with him now. However it bought us 3 closer together and we got through. They will never forget what he did and it has affected the relationship. Only time will tell if that improves but all the while he is with OW it’s doubtful.

I was open and honest with my kids (within reason) and I never slagged him off or tried to get them to take sides. Just be there to support them and encourage them to talk. x

Hi all,
Well husband is back from overseas. I thought I was going ok, but it’s set me back a bit. We’re now telling the kids Sunday so as not to ruin their weekend. Kind of a joke really as we’ll be destroying their current world anyway. They are going to be blindsided by this and it is killing me. Back to thinking about all the whys. Why does he feel he has to leave? Is it really that bad here with me? And why didn’t I know that? Why didn’t he ever say anything? Is it really worth destroying so much? How did we get here????? It’s the rejection that hurts the most. Then the feeling of abandonment. He goes off to his new world while I’m still here doing the daily grind...and more now that he won’t be around! It’s overwhelming.

This will be outing, but I'm past caring,
My Father divorced my mum when I was 4, went on to marry my step mum who was lovely, helped bring me up, was a very nice step mum,
Ten years ago my Father started to have an affair with a woman he met at his bowling club, she managed over the last year's to live in his house, we thought this was awful, me and my siblings were? But we accepted the situation because my Step Mom didn't complain, we were teenagers then,
They lived together as a threesome until Dear dad decided to go missing, really just that he sold the houses, and my Step Mum is now being looked after by the OW, my dad has just gone AWOL, I can't get my head around it

I'm so sorry ,OP. I would not stay with someone I didn't love. I'm sure many others feel the same

This is one of those situations in life we have no control over.

As much as it hurts, ask yourself if his feelings have changed, do you want to be with someone that no longer wants to be with you?

I went through something similar 6 months ago. There was no other woman, in a nutshell his feelings had changed. Once I accepted that I realised I deserved better.

@HereIgoagainxx
That’s the thought process that I’m trying to follow but can’t help but wonder if it could be rekindled with a bit of effort. Need to have both wanting to try though. That’s what I’m trying to come to terms with. That I can’t control other people’s feelings and actions, only my own.