Other Woman why?

[babycow38]

I'm five years now post OW, we are good, we talk about it, and even think she made us stronger, we have a bond now that I can't believe, but I often wonder? Did she want more? Is she now unhappy ,why would you think being with a married man helps your self,? I know occasionally it works out but come on!!! Most married men don't love you, they are playing out there mid life crisis, surely you knew that? I
Would so what makes you different? Really interested to know.

What makes you think you’re different? Genuine question?

People impo cheat for 2 reasons, they neither love or respect who they are with
Or they are sociopaths- which brings you round to number one.

I would imagine she’s pretty happy that she’s not landed herself with a cheating bastard! And is probably in a normal relationship that doesn’t have to be tested by someone neither loving or respecting her.

And she was with him because I imagine he lied to her! Only he had much more to lose by not being with you...

I'd be asking my husband why, not the other woman.

Because she doesn't care about you. She has no feelings for you, and you are inconsequential to her. Much the same as your husband feels about you, to be able to destroy a family.

really interested to know why you think you’re different?! 😂

Honestly, I imagine she's still smug in the notion that she tempted a man from his wife however briefly. I suspect that's a large part of the appeal for those who are knowingly OW.

OP - maybe it helps you to think this way about her, but since you asked, here are some other alternative ways of looking at it....
Just like we don’t know why your husband cheated - we don’t know why she was with him...
Maybe she was curious or bored in her life; maybe she was attracted to him; maybe her own bf was worse in bed than you H; maybe she liked the attention; maybe she was having a midlife crisis; maybe ..... possibilities are endless....
As to not ending up with this specific married man -
Why ON EARTH - do you assume she wanted to?
He is YOUR prize....but doesn’t have to be hers. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s great you and H word it out. But wondering about her, or moreover - feeling smug or superior - won’t help much....
Maybe it’s your coping mechanism?
In that case - 👍

If she was single and he wasn't, then surely the blame is his, not hers. She had made no commitment to another person. She probably should have walked away when she found out he was married but she was breaking no promises. He could have said that you were as good as separated etc.

Why are you posting this late at night (if you’re in the uk)
And why do you care. I imagine she’s just got on with her life.
Only your husband and her know the real reasons why they ended up together.
Married men lie. Very few women really want to be the OW.
I’m glad it’s worked out for you and your husband, he got a lucky break

I don't think that I would necessarily view your husbands affair in the same way as you are. I don't think it's that's simple.

What would make you assume it's about love? Its sometimes simply sex, fun, travel, gifts and very much short term.

I'm on OLD sites and believe me there are many many married men. They are blatant about their marital status and appear to have no shame at all.

Here's a few reasons....

• Low self esteem.
• Only started as a casual thing and fell in love.
• Can't find single men to date.
• Craving affection
• He pursued relentlessly.
•Hope. Living in hope that he'll leave.
•Addiction. The MM is like a drug age full of promises that he'll leave when:

~The kids are older
~When her mum gets better
~After Christmas etc etc etc

I've heard the above from a number of OWs.

If you've been betrayed these thoughts are normal... So pp need to stop bashing the OP.

It's normal to be curious about the OW.

To look on her social media.

To compare yourself to her.

It's totally normal

The OP asked why? It's not about her H...She's dealt with that...but the affair involved someone else...So thinking about them is par for the course in the healing process.

In time...she'll become irrelevant.

Affairs are so often not about love...
This - is en example of a Male profile from the website where he’ll meet a mirror image female...
Her profile will also say something similar...

Of all the people I know, it started as something and then ended up as something else.
And all due to the husband telling the ow how unhappy he was, he didn’t love his wife, he wanted out, he barely spoke to her.
It’s jist lies all round as far as I can see.

And people will believe anything when they want their own truth to be the truth

Most married men don't love you

Do you really think your husband loved you when he was cheating on you? If so, it’s not the idea of love that most people want. So to flip a coin on your strangely smug post, maybe she’s in a happy relationship with someone who she can trust and who won’t go off shagging other people.

You say you wonder about her often. That really isn’t healthy, five years on, especially if things are as great with your H as you say.

I feel sorry for anyone who stays with someone who’s consistently cheated on them. I think their self esteem must be shot to shit.

Some posts are painting a picture of the OW being without blame! If the OW didn’t know about the wife/gf etc then fair enough but in my experience she did and it’s a 50/50 split.

Therefore, having experienced this myself, I can totally understand why you posted this thread OP.

Just as we should point out that yes, the cheating partner has the commitment, let’s also point out that the OW in cases where she knows about this commitment isn’t an innocent bystander in all of this, she’s not a victim. She can be manipulative and knows exactly what she’s doing and what she’s gotten into.

Each relationship where infidelity has happened is individual, you can’t comment on something you know nothing about. Each relationship will either ‘weather the storm’ or end.

The OW or OM in each scenario can’t be compared and no one can judge.

OP, it’s good you have come through the other side, I have too. I won’t ever fully understand why things took a turn for the worse. Social media had a part to play and a dip in our relationship. OW came along at a vulnerable time and the rest is history.

I laid the blame equally between dp and ow.

I think “my” OWomen (plural), as in my ex’s, became blinded by my ex’s ability to give 100% devoted attention to whoever he was talking to. I’d often been at weddings or social occasions where I got ignored from one end of the night to the other, and it didn’t matter if it was my granny, a friend, a waitress. Age didn’t matter, but a devoted audience did. According to him, it was ALWAYS the woman who made the first move, dazzled and spellbound. He proclaimed himself completely surprised. He never adjusted his behaviour to ‘close the window’ as Shirley Glass put it. He was only delighted to have made a new friend .

The final OW was single, childless, no parents or siblings, quite an alone person, I’d have described her as prickly and private, but she was like a moth who squirmed and basked in the light. She cleans his house for him now and is quite possibly feeling herself to be the luckiest woman in the world.

It doesn’t really matter about the other woman. If it wasn’t her, it would likely have been someone else. She may or may not know you or know about you, but either way, she owes you nothing. Yes, it’s a shitty thing to do, but the OW did not cheat on you, did not lie to you, and did not actively choose to break your marriage vows. The blame lies squarely with your DH. You do not know what he told her, but you do know, that had he wanted to, he would never have started the affair.

I imagine she's still smug in the notion that she tempted a man from his wife - You make it sound like this poor MM had no choice when this wicked temptress lured him away.

In my case he pursued her for a long time, she was 18, he was 31, told her the usual script and as much as I think she was old enough to know better, it is him I blame not her.

I completely understand babycow38 as I’m pretty much where you are and as sandy says, it’s normal.

In my case the OW did want him. My DH was stable, kind and honourable. Ironically, by having his affair with her he was no longer those things.
She appears to be happy with her DH now but the marriage is obviously based on lies.

Well done on working through it. I’m very pleased and proud that we’ve managed to do the same 😊

TBH im LOLing at most of these

I tend to always think that OW have very poor self esteem issues, but as others have said, she is inconsequential. Your DH is the only one really at fault.

Why would she be unhappy 5 years on? Is he really such a catch? He’s a cheating bastard. She probably doesn’t miss him at all. You’re clearly not happy.