Other Woman why?

[babycow38]

I'm five years now post OW, we are good, we talk about it, and even think she made us stronger, we have a bond now that I can't believe, but I often wonder? Did she want more? Is she now unhappy ,why would you think being with a married man helps your self,? I know occasionally it works out but come on!!! Most married men don't love you, they are playing out there mid life crisis, surely you knew that? I
Would so what makes you different? Really interested to know.

[MaryJenson]

LOLing NotTheFordType?
How mature and kind

[mumto2babyboys]

I have experienced cheating and it's disgusting

There is something seriously wrong with women who go after married men. The men that do it are also wrong but...

How do these women who are also mothers live with themselves knowing they have destroyed a family?

I don't think cheating ever ends well.

You can forgive but you'll never respect you husband again after it or be able to trust or hope that it won't happen again

[Shoxfordian]

She's probably fine now. I doubt she's crying into her pillow every night.

[GloomyMonday]

My OW met xh through a hobby and slept with him during a difficult stage in her marriage, when they both got drunk at a party.

They both agreed it would never happen again, was a mistake, but of course it did and then they agreed it was just a casual diversion. A bit of fun to escape their humdrum married lives.

She told me she never thought about me, it was as if I didn't exist. When forced to confront the fact that he was married, she convinced herself I was awful and he deserved better. She said it gave her a kick, knowing she could tempt a mm away from his family, it meant she must be prettier, funnier, better at sex than me.

Of course feelings developed and she started asking him to leave. She left her husband, which meant they could now meet at her house almost daily. For years he strung her along. She said she knew he didn't want to leave but she loved him so much, hated me, knew she could make him happier.

When I found out I threw him out. He moved in with her the same day. She sent me jubilant messages saying he'd chosen her and made the right choice. He spent years, literally years, asking to come home but she won't know that and I wouldn't have him back if he paid me.

A different outcome for me op, but I did get insight into ow's thinking because she asked to meet me and we talked for a long time. I think she was being honest.

[cushioncuddle]

She may have been convinced by your H that his relationship was dead, that he wasn't loved , that she was different , that he loved her , that he made her feel important or special.

Maybe she is struggling with self esteem, feels let down , struggling with trust.

Maybe she's now put that as a lesson learnt and in a good relationship.

You have no idea , as you weren't there, how your H sold himself to her.

[SandyY2K]

@MaryJenson

LOLing NotTheFordType?
How mature and kind

Hardly funny is it... then...again many of those who have been or who are OWs will be here on MN.

[NotTheFordType]

Sorry I should have specified I was LOLing at the ads posted from married men!
(Especialy the 6'1 blue eyed dude Aryan Nation or what?)

[BitchQueen90]

I'd be more wondering why my husband was so cowardly, pathetic and disrespectful of me to have an affair to be honest.

[JudasPrudy]

' You make it sound like this poor MM had no choice when this wicked temptress lured him away.'

Oh I didn't mean to make it sound like that. He's obviously a cheating fuckwit and we all know they'll go for anyone who will have them.

[theredjellybean]

I was the OW, and i was married too.
why did i do it ? well i am not a sociopath, and i do not have low self esteem.
at the time i also had no intention of falling in love or leaving my marriage.
I could be accused of being selfish in wanting this extra relationship but things really are not as black and white as it can seem on mn.
my dexh was in denial about his sexuality, he had solely decided to be celibrate about 5 yrs before.
he did not explain why to me, and i missed a sex life basically.
i tried talking, date night, asked him to go to counselling, asked him to see a doctor..everything mn will advice you to do . He wouldn't.
at the time i was higher earner and work took me away a lot and i worked weekends too...so he would have been seen as main carer for our two daughters, i did not want to leave as i knew that he would get resident parent status and i would pay him maintenance, all because over the years we ( he included) had encouraged me to work more and earn more and he in particular enjoyed the lifestyle this gave .
I am not justifying myself, just explaining how i came to be in the position..and honestly i was younger and felt somewhat justified in looking for some 'fun'.
i know a lot of cheaters have this mindset of ' well i deserve this' and now looking back, i think i felt like that. I did not really think about his wife , and i thought we would just have a bit of no strings attached fun and no harm done.
I cannot believe i was so naive now, though i do not know what else i could have done about mu domestic situation .
My dp and i did end up together, and we are very happy, it has been at some cost to other people without a doubt.
i am not smug..i do not feel i won...affairs are not always about sex .
in my case we met for one thing and it became something else, or we might lasted longer in our marriages if we had not met, but both agree we had exit plans for when children were older, so would have left at some point,
ours i guess was a classic exit affair.

for the OP: i am glad you have worked it out, i think it is normal to still think about the ow, and what she now thinks is an unknown, maybe she really fell in love with him and still thinks sadly about the fact he was married and stayed with you, maybe she has moved on, maybe she doesnt think about it at all.

[christmaaaas]

I hate the "mid-life crisis" excuse. Why are you letting him use that as an excuse. Maybe he loved her, maybe he didn't. He certainly doesn't love you enough

[SuperstarDJ]

Most married men don't love you

Most married men who are in love with their wives don’t cheat.

Whilst I appreciate it is just one post, you seem to focus solely on the OW being at fault your DH was poor hapless prey but you ‘won’ in the end.

[mumto2babyboys]

@theredjellybean

While I can understand things aren't always black and white...
Shame on you

Total shame on you

for destroying lives and having no Morals

[theredjellybean]

@mumto2babyboys..i can understand your reaction but it is ok for my dexh to destroy our marriage is it ?
And it would have been better for me and dp to stay being miserable in our marriages just so the other person we are married to does not get hurt ?
I know that is a simplistic and selfish view, but we both would have left our marriages at some point, meeting each other expedited that.
and in fact we stopped our affair after 6 months, and agreed to go and try to make our marriages work.
it was 5 yrs later , when we had both tried and failed ( well he was still married but had not been able to improve the situation, and he had done counselling and date night and reinvested in it etc etc )that we met again and agreed that we both knew that other was the person we wanted to be with so at that point left our marriages.
so i have morals and i am still ashamed we started as an affair ...you see its not black and white. It is not as easy as just shaming everyone.
I did not destroy anyone's life.
my Dp's ex wife was with him for many years and they were not happy together, meeting me did not destroy their 'happy' marriage.
it provided a catalyst for change for him. a change he would have made anyway.

[RCohle]

Thered how do you know he wouldn't have left his wife if is wasn't for you?

[Blueberryhill123]

babycow
You might one day get the chance to ask the next OW (because I'd say there will be another one) what drew her to your husband.

[theredjellybean]

because he told me that and i believe him.
He did not tell me he was leaving her when we first met, i didnt ask him to and i didnt want him to tbh..if he left her he had to leave because the marriage was not working not because of me.

When we agreed to stop seeing each other and 'work' on our marriages, he told me then he had been miserable for yrs, but he felt he owed it to his wife to try and make it work. and he did try.

when we met 5 yrs later, he was living in the spare room and they had effectively no relationship together outside of parenting their two daughters, who by then were teens so the time all spent together was minimal.

his daughters ( who by the way are very happy and i have a great relationship with) have over the years told me how much happier dad is, how they wish their parents had split earlier, that they both knew dad was staying for them and they would have guessed he would leave as soon as they left home...they verified his story that he was living in spare room, that they had tried yrs of councelling etc

[RCohle]

He told his wife he'd stand by her in sickness and in health. I bet she believed him too.

[theredjellybean]

she was not sick...
do you think that we should all stay married even when we make each other bloody miserable and clearly are not compatible.
because with a life expectancy of 80 odd years, and getting married at 21 ..that would have been a very very long time unhappy...

[GloomyMonday]

red, you could have left your husband if he was making you so unhappy. Staying so that you wouldn't have to share your children or pay maintenance was cowardly and selfish. You could have left, it would have just meant some temporary discomfort for you, and you chose to wait until you had somewhere to jump, choosing more pain for everyone else instead.

The other thing you could have done is tell your prince of a man that, if you were soulmates, you would wait until he was single before fucking him.

[ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName]

I was an OW in my teens. Duped because I really loved him and I was naive.

Years on, his wife ended up taking him back and I’m going to turn your question on it’s head and say why have you chosen to take your husband back and have the life you now have, when you know that your husband is a cheat? Conversely I’m married to a kind and loyal man who’s never cheated on me and as a consequence of my being the OW I have a no-nonsense attitude about infidelity: if my husband cheated on me he would be out on his ear.

[Postino]

red I would probably have done the same in your position.

And I say that as someone whose marriage has just ended due to an OW.

IT's easy to be black and white. If someone hasn't felt the crushing loneliness of an empty relationship, that you stay in out of fear of hurting people you love, they won't understand, and I envy them

[Umbongointhejungle]

I’ve been on both sides of this coin. And I can quite safely say when I ended up briefly cheating on my ex I did not love him I did not like him I did not respect him, for many many reasons which are relevant. If we had children I guess I would have stayed and tried to make it work. But I left, to be on my own. It was a catalyst. No one ever knew, but it made me realise how I needed to leave urgently.
Now. If you’ve got kids and mortgage etc, it’s so much easier to stay, it’s certainly not being true to yourself or anyone else, but most people take the easy option in life.

Conversely I’ve been on the other side, before. And I knew that there was zero point in sticking around. If it’s not a drunken accident but a sustained affair, then they have literally destroyed you to the other woman, how else do you think they get them to believe!!???
If you fell for someone, and they went on about how they loved their wife and how great she was, the ow would just walk away, I mean she might want to do some damage, but she’s not going to pin her hopes on someone who is happy with his wife! Which means they are ALWAYS told lies.

[SuperSuperSuper]

She probably feels ashamed, foolish, used, regretful. And she thinks she had a lucky escape, probably - if he'd settled down with her she'd never have been able to trust him, whether he chose to be fatthful or not.

[GloomyMonday]

"IT's easy to be black and white."

It is easy to make choices in life that don't hurt other people.

"because he told me that and i believe him."

You sound really daft when you say that. I don't doubt that you're both happy together. In fact, I hope that you're happy forever because otherwise the pain and upheaval will have been for nothing. But you sound ridiculous when you make that assertion. You know he is capable of cheating and betrayal, and lying convincingly to cover it up. Believing him is a really silly position to take because he's a known liar.

FWIW my xh told ow all of that too and it was all lies to win her round and keep her hooked. None of it was true. Well he did sometimes sleep in the spare room, if he had a 4am start for work and didn't want to wake me. I'm going to let my ow go on believing that he chose her because why not, I don't want him now.