Other Woman why?

[babycow38]

I'm five years now post OW, we are good, we talk about it, and even think she made us stronger, we have a bond now that I can't believe, but I often wonder? Did she want more? Is she now unhappy ,why would you think being with a married man helps your self,? I know occasionally it works out but come on!!! Most married men don't love you, they are playing out there mid life crisis, surely you knew that? I
Would so what makes you different? Really interested to know.

babycow with the greatest respect, I think you are massively deluded.

OP you sound very bitter in your post, can you be truly happy whilst still consumed by bitterness? I'm not sure, but I don't believe as a rule, that Other Women give the Wives a second thought, why would they? that would suggest they have conscience and I'm not convinced do, just like the unfaithful Husbands. They will likely believe the lies these Husbands tell them with whilst showering them with gifts and expensive hotel rooms.

GloomyM I'm feeling too sad to argue (my decree nisi came yesterday), but I honestly don't think it's that straightforward. It might be 'easy to make choices in life that don't hurt other people' but sometimes you can only do that at huge personal cost - the prospect of no sex, love etc for the rest of your life.

I was so distressed towards the end of my marriage that I was self-harming, but the fear of damaging my children by breaking up their home was equally painful.

'Luckily' dh fell in love with someone else so it was no longer my decision to make.

Hopefully relived she didn't end up with a lying cheater probably pitying you

'I don't doubt that you're both happy together. In fact, I hope that you're happy forever because otherwise the pain and upheaval will have been for nothing. '

actually no one has asked who got hurt in my situation ? you have all presumed that we destroyed our families, which does rather absolve our then partners from any responsibilty to wards the marriages. No they it was NOT their fault we had the original affair, but we stopped it and tried to improve/fix our marriages, that needed both of our then partners to want to fix it too.
My Dexh as i said earlier refused point blank to seek help/advice/councelling and wanted us to continue living in denial of his sexuality.
My DP did tell her about the affair, owned up to being completely at fault and offered to go to councelling etc , which he did , but it really did not work. His dds have confirmed that.

as for hurt and destruction..so my dp and me are happier, my dexh is so much happier and says he is so relieved that i found the courage to leave ( which i did before i met DP for the second time - another thing none of you have asked you presumed we met for a second affair) . My dexh had met someone else and me leaving gave him the impetus to come out and be with that person.
my 2 dds say they are so relieved as they could see dexh and me were not making each other happy and we are all so much happier now.
my 2 dsds ( one of whom lives mostly with us) also say they are so much happier now, that all their lives , well before their father and me, they knew mum and dad were miserable. They said atmosphere was dreadful and they could see dad running around trying to make mum happy but nothing did..

so added up thats me, dp, dexh, his new partner and the four dds all much happier , no one hurt or destroyed by this.

and yes my dp's exwife was not happy, was not happy he left, was not happy he met someone else...

but were the rest of us supposed to stay miserable so she got to continue in her marriage which was not exactly making her happy ?

Gosh red youve caused so much selfless happiness that you're practically Mother Theresa.

As far as I can tell, all of that happiness could have come about without having an affair or shagging a married father but if you want to believe that you didn't have a choice, that there were no other courses of action open to you, then go ahead, it's precisely nothing to me.

i didnt say anything like that
and i agree completely that it would have been far better not to have had the affair in the first place.
and we stopped it and left each other alone
and in my first post i also said how i felt ashamed for what i had done but it cannot be undone now.

the OP asked a question about OW, i was giving her some context from the side of someone who was the OW.

I am robust enough and know my own circumstances to not be overly bothered by the abuse on mn...but it is always so easy and black and white for the MNs who heap abuse on others, so maybe posters dont often come and give other views or share experiences.

so actually its precisely nothing to me either what you think of me as you are determined to see only the black and white view that OW is evil happy home destroying bitch and married man is lying conniving midlife crisis sociopath after easy sex

@theredhellybean. Your story is VERY similar to mine. I understand exactly where you are coming from!!

"you are determined to see only the black and white view that OW is evil happy home destroying bitch and married man is lying conniving midlife crisis sociopath after easy sex."

Not true. I understand that there are many reasons to fall into the position of ow. But none of them are kind, considerate or altruistic and all put their own happiness above that of the other parties involved.

Similarly, men embark on affairs for many reasons but what they all have in common is cowardice and a slippery grasp of integrity and truth.

I don't think it's abuse it's simply the truth.

Adultery is grounds for divorce because it ends the marriage vows and bond between two married people and it is immoral

Theredjellybean

Thanks for sharing your story, we ask for other people's experiences on here and then several posters just can't help be nasty

How can your husband sleeping with another woman make you stronger? How can you trust he won't be tempted again? You can't. He has form now

OW are just like MM who cheat. They don't give a shit..

Cheats will always find each other no matter what, and they all have a story that = they're not really to blame, it was the other person.

Its normal for you to wonder about her OP but try not to dwell on it. You've forgiven your husband so thats it.

OWs, OMs are people with all kinds of situations and reasons...
And expectations.
Not all are after destructions if anyone’s marriages...
And - btw - when someone said - affairs destroy marriages.
It’s true.
Also: taking each other for granted; not respecting each other; ignoring each other’s unhappiness, etc - all of it also destroys marrieages...
Affairs are often just a symptom, not a cause...

Like ‘red’ said - her exH withdrew sex unilaterally....
Someone I knew - was horrible to her H - in public and in private... He tried to live with it, eventually tied to get her to marriage counselling. She said - why? we are happy?
And she was, of course. Lived as she wanted and he had to fall in line...
So - when he had an affair as a way of coping - she was surprised...
Ended up in coucelling and started to understand the role she played in it all...

So - Black/White it is not.

HereIgoagainxx

How can your husband sleeping with another woman make you stronger?

It’s not the act of sleeping with another woman, it’s what follows that makes your relationship stronger.

"So - Black/White it is not."

In all of your examples, those people could've left their relationships with integrity.

Being kind, decent, moral is black and white. I've got some respect for the people who
hold their hands up to behaving like shits but can't stand the mealy-mouthed 'don't judge me' nonsense that many spout, or 'it's not black and white'. They may successfully justify it to themselves but the rest of us don't have to suck it up.

So his wife was horrible and refused counselling? Bloody leave then. Oh no, best wait until there are warm arms to run into, heaven forbid you should inconvenience yourself in any way, make a big decision, be by yourself awhile.

Cheating is always black and white in my opinion. If you are unhappy, end your relationship before you embark on a new one.

You are never "trapped" in a marriage. People just say that because they don't want to deal with the hassle of ending it and so use that as an excuse for an affair.

I think the grey area is that many people who start affairs aren’t unhappy in their marriage, they’re unhappy with themselves, and most have no intention or desire to leave their partner.

Because she’s not thinking of you, the wife

Why are you focusing on the OW and not your 'D'H? He made the vows to you.

Fast forward 5 years:

OW, happily married and occasionally does a little shudder that she once believed the lies of a cheating bastard. Has matured and feels guilty for her part in it, knowing that even with his lies she shouldn’t have gone there. But, has moved on and is living a good life with her new husband, wise to making good choices.

OP, has been duped into feeling “stronger than ever” purely through hysterical bonding, and is just basically marking time until it happens again, because she’s still with the same cheating bastard.

Try that scenario on for size, rather than wondering about another woman’s motivations.

OP, is your marriage strong enough now that you could tell your husband that you haven’t moved on from thinking about her, and that you want to know he thinks she did it? And would you really trust him to answer you honestly?

• she did it because she had low self esteem (ah, you took advantage then, dearest?)
• she did it because I told her I didn’t love you and would leave you (but we’re still stronger than ever now, so that’s OK, right?)

People don’t need to be unhappy with themselves to have an affair...
Does this one sound unhappy?
And there are many like that

Joe she's spent a long time focusing on her DH. She's allowed to wonder, anonymously on the internet, about ow surely? I've been surprised at the tone of some of the comments directed at op tbh. She hasn't really done anything wrong has she?

Many - as in hundreds... these are just on one website right now...

Ellisandra, there are many reasons for an affair apparently. Who knows what OP's DH's motives were? Entirely possible for them to have addressed the underlying issues and refocused on each other.

Women come on here all the time saying they've had an affair but feel awful and love their husband and will never do it again, and it's generally taken at face value.