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Original poster

Second date and he tells me...

93 replies

tribeswally · 16/09/2018 10:46

...he was divorced after a year and can't have children.

He's 35, I'm 29. He can't have children bcuz of an illness years ago which left him infertile. He said he wants children and is open to options.The divorce doesn't bother me, except he mentioned the ex-wife had depression which ultimately affected the relationship and that they were only married a year but together 4 years. is that a red flag in itself? and would you be put off by the children situation?

I am trying to be a bit more careful about who I date as i really just want to settle down and have a family now, but at the same time i dont want to write people off. historically i havent been the best at recognising red flags though. i know the fertility isnt a red flag in itself but it has made me think i need to be careful - is that unfair?!

OP posts:
Original poster
tribeswally · 16/09/2018 10:48

and by careful, i think what i mean is, if the relationship developed it is almost like signing up to IVF from the outset - which isn't the easiest from what i have heard. it is different obviously if you meet someone and later down the line one of you cant and you deal with it together...

OP posts:
alifromtheforest · 16/09/2018 10:48

You want to have a family with a man who is incapable of fathering children? It's not a generic red flag as such, but it should be a red flag for YOU.

Musti · 16/09/2018 10:49

If I wanted children then maybe but if he's open to sperm donors etc then it's fine. The divorce - these things happen. He told you on the second date which is early so good.

PurpleFlower1983 · 16/09/2018 10:50

After date 2 I would walk away. At least he has been honest.

Singlenotsingle · 16/09/2018 10:51

I can't see any red flags over the exW having depression, unless it was because of him, of course. As far as DC are concerned, if you went on and had a permanent relationship with him, you'd have to accept that there might be problems over fertility and it might not work out how you hoped. But at least he was honest and warned you.

Original poster
tribeswally · 16/09/2018 10:51

i feel like it is a bit mean though, after all he said he was open to having children a different way.

but being blunt yes it did bother me and i feel bad that it did.

the divorce after a year also made me uneasy.

OP posts:
Missillusioned · 16/09/2018 10:52

I think if the woman has no fertility problems you can have donor sperm without IVF. Much cheaper and easier on your body.

But he would have to be a perfect match in every other way for it to be sensible to get involved at this stage. He would probably be better suited to a woman who already has children

Original poster
tribeswally · 16/09/2018 10:52

singlenotsingle the red flag with the depression was that he seemed to blame that for the divorce. and they had only been married a year.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/09/2018 10:52

Tbh yes, if I wanted dc in the future, I would be put off. It's sad for him, of course, but "other options" aren't exactly simple and knowingly entering into a relationship with that prospect seems a bit unwise.

All this is a lot to find out about someone on a second date.

alifromtheforest · 16/09/2018 10:53

Ah, cross post! Still, the idea of committing to IVF with someone you don't know doesn't sound like a recipe for success......

Original poster
tribeswally · 16/09/2018 10:54

it was a lot to find out - i asked about relationship history actually. well i asked what his last long term one was.

in some ways i appreciate his honesty - i think if he had told me further down the line i would have been annoyed?

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 16/09/2018 10:56

Well. He has told you early doors. If you really want kids above all else, no reason why his infertility is an issue. But yes it wont be easy. Sometimes fertility issues are on both sides. The combination can make it difficult.
No red flags though the

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 16/09/2018 10:57

Good he has been open and honest but this sounds like it will be a lot of hard work and stress if you want a family and children. Do yourself a favour, wish the guy well and send him on his way and congratulate yourself on not compromising. We read so often on mn how women virtually force themselves to prolong sub standard relationships with unsuitable guys that bring nothing but angst. Be focussed and uncompromising on what you want, op.

UnicornSparkles1 · 16/09/2018 10:57

Do you think he divorced her because she was depressed??

How long ago were they married and divorced?

For me I'd have to be very sure that he would indeed be open to the idea of sperm donors or whatever. I wouldn't want to be together for several years, get married, and then discover that actually he doesn't want to do that after all.

user1490465531 · 16/09/2018 10:57

Without being mean your only 29 so you have options so I'd be a bit more fussy about who I dated especially if I wanted to settle down and have a family.
As others have said he's better suited to a woman more his age who already has children.

Original poster
tribeswally · 16/09/2018 11:00

unicorn they were together 4 years and then married for about a year. that was the red flag for me. as for whether they broke up because she was depressed, im not sure. i didnt go into it. it sounded like that had the ultimate impact though which made me feel a bit uneasy.

user i do want to settle down and family is a big thing. i feel a bit mean writing him off on that basis as who knows how that pans out with anyone, but this would feel like signing up to knowing there could be hassle and problems before youve even started a full relationship...

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 16/09/2018 11:11

If you want children, this may not be the man for you.

BlueJava · 16/09/2018 11:12

I think you should thank him for his honesty but not see him again. I don't think he's right for you if you want children and the depression thing is a bit of a worry. Don't feel mean - it's your life!

powerwalk · 16/09/2018 11:13

If you want a family then I think it is time to break it to him very gently and kindly that you would prefer to be friends.

Penguinsnpandas · 16/09/2018 11:17

I would be concerned he walked out due to her depression. The fertility you can overcome by IVF with ICSI but is stressful. That's a medical problem which he can't help. Not supporting his wife would bother me though don't know exact details. People undergoing fertility treatment are higher risk for depression.

Witchend · 16/09/2018 11:18

I have two minds on this.
The fact he's brought it up early shows a good character. He's being honest with you, even though he knows it might finish the relationship.

But I would have found it hard to get round. I knew I wanted a family and to know straight off that you'd need help would have really put me off.

Lauren83 · 16/09/2018 11:18

I think it's really good he has been honest, I met DP when we were in our mid to late 30s and I had to tell him early on I had an illness that made me infertile and I felt I had to be straight, it wasn't a nice conversation to have but he was really sweet about it and we now have an 8 month old baby from IVF with donor eggs, it wouldn't be an issue for me if it was the other way round either

AsleepAllDay · 16/09/2018 11:19

Honestly, this is intense information for date 2. Now there will be a cloud hanging over this, whatever you do. I would wish him well and look elsewhere. If having kids is non negotiable (and you have time but know it's a priority) it will be easier in the long run to find someone compatible in that they both want & can have kids. Don't compromise on something so important to you. He's not the only man out there

HairyAntoinette · 16/09/2018 11:20

You know what? I like his honesty and the fact he's put his cards on the table. Saves all this year's of being scared to discuss the future.

Also instead of potentially spending years with unexplained infertility you can cut that crap and crack on with finding a solution.

Good luck whatever you decide.

viques · 16/09/2018 11:20

It's a second date. I think you have a very very long way to go before you are asking MN for comments on baby names!

In the meantime enjoy each other's company, find out what makes each other tick ,it might be that in a couple of months time one of you decides they can't ever live with the other so that sorts that one out.

I would also keep going with whatever contraceptive you use and

insist on condoms for him. He might be shooting blanks but he might not, and you also don't know the sexual health history of anyone else he has slept with.