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Relationships

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Original poster

Second date and he tells me...

93 replies

tribeswally · 16/09/2018 10:46

...he was divorced after a year and can't have children.

He's 35, I'm 29. He can't have children bcuz of an illness years ago which left him infertile. He said he wants children and is open to options.The divorce doesn't bother me, except he mentioned the ex-wife had depression which ultimately affected the relationship and that they were only married a year but together 4 years. is that a red flag in itself? and would you be put off by the children situation?

I am trying to be a bit more careful about who I date as i really just want to settle down and have a family now, but at the same time i dont want to write people off. historically i havent been the best at recognising red flags though. i know the fertility isnt a red flag in itself but it has made me think i need to be careful - is that unfair?!

OP posts:

HappyHedgehog247 · 16/09/2018 17:23

I like his honesty. Sperm donor does not have to be via IVF.

PestymcPestFace · 16/09/2018 17:31

Close male relative and a turkey baster will do the trick.

safetyfreak · 16/09/2018 17:38

I would not end it over the fertility issues but from ending it with his wife when the going got tough. All relationships go through troubles, this man is showing he will run and rather start over again then sort issues out.

Smidge001 · 16/09/2018 17:47

Please don't write him off for the fertility issues. I am struggling with infertility and the thought that someone wouldn't even give a relationship with me a chance, feels like yet another punch to the core. It's not my fault I have fertility issues and I would love to have a family, by whatever means. I can't even begin to imagine how upset I'd be if someone wouldn't be prepared to try a relationship with me because of my unseen physical failing. For all you know, you might have issues yourself, so many people do. I think he's been very good to raise this with you and be so honest so early on.

butterfly56 · 16/09/2018 17:52

A man who says the wife has mental health issues and leaves her after a year of marriage is giving you a true reflection of who he is. He's probably told you a version of his truth which probably differs considerably from the ex wife's version!

Your gut feeling is spot on OP that he has very little patience or empathy with others.

He managed to put all the blame on the ex wife as well which is another red flag.
Don't waste your time or emotional energy trying to understand this guy he is way too fickle!

spanishwife · 16/09/2018 18:05

I like his honesty - he doesn't want to waste your time if this is a deal breaker for you. I think that shows a lot of integrity and I would really like this in a person.

I personally would never use this as a reason to not be with someone. There are so many children already alive that need homes and families, and of course you have the IVF route as you discussed. Are you certain you can have children yourself?

Get to know him better and decide on that- but I wouldn't use as an excuse to stop seeing him if you think it could go further.

DoYouLikeBasghetti · 16/09/2018 18:10

I absolutely agree with Butterfly56.

veggiethrower · 16/09/2018 18:45

I'd be put off by the divorce/depression situation more than the infertility. He wants a "strong and independent" woman - lots of women are strong and independent and then something happens and they need support - it could be a physical illness, a mental health problem, a bereavement etc.
So everything's fine and dandy until the woman needs support and then he's off working until 9 pm and then leaves the relationship. Great.

Trust your gut.

Dljlr · 16/09/2018 18:49

I can't have any more kids and I think telling you upfront was brave and fair for him to do. I dread that conversation with new partners; it never feels like the right time and it can be very uncomfortable. So, kudos to him for that. But there's nothing wrong with you using that information to help you decide whether or not you want to pursue a relationship with him. Afterall, that's presumably why he told you.

eddielizzard · 16/09/2018 18:57

What I think of when I hear men say they want an independent woman, is that they want someone who will not ask them for anything, but at the same time not be capable of any independent thought either. IE. a blow up doll.

Happityhap · 17/09/2018 00:11

He managed to put all the blame on the ex wife

Sounds like he didn't say that he tried his best to make it work - he complained about what his wife said to him and how she was not "independent" enough, while suffering with depression.

He's giving the message that he doesn't want any demands to be made on him.

Give it a few more dates if you like. He'll probably reveal a bit more of himself and you can decide if you really want to be with him forever.

Butterymuffin · 17/09/2018 00:24

she didn’t want it to end. He said he didn’t want that, he wanted a strong and independent woman

So he didn't like the fact that she wanted to work on the relationship, he'd have preferred someone who wanted to ditch him? Sounds like the ex couldn't do right for doing wrong.

LellyMcKelly · 17/09/2018 01:06

It’s a second date. You should be discussing favourite bands and what kind of pizza topping you like best. This is WAY too much too soon - for that reason alone you should be running for the hills. More importantly, you’re 29 and want kids. Focus on finding a relationship that can give you that.

AsleepAllDay · 17/09/2018 01:49

He wants a strong, independent woman = someone with a mental illness who needs help need not apply?

He doesn't sound very reliable. Depression is awful - I know first hand - but having a partner who isn't supportive and just seems over it would hurt me so much

Musti · 17/09/2018 08:58

Well I split up with an ex because I couldn't deal with his bipolar any longer. It doesn't make me a bad person and I've been in long and committed relationships since. He was with her for 5 years so didn't give up at the first hurdle. Or he could have fallen out of love with her or lots of reasons.

Skarossinkplungerridesagain · 17/09/2018 16:19

I think the red flags are yours to be honest, you're judging him for being divorced and being infertile. If I was him I be disappointed in you.

StormTreader · 17/09/2018 17:37

I was saying "eh, sounds ok" until the strong independent woman thing.

You know you'd have to have IVF and that's not easy, you'd need a supportive partner while you go though the process and it can be long with multiple years of heartbreak along the way. It really doesn't sound like he has anything like that in mind.

This is only date 2, and you're only 29 - I'd give this a swerve.

Horseradishwrap · 17/09/2018 17:47

I don't see the issue with fertility - if he would like children too then easily conceived using donor sperm (assuming you have no fertility issues). The divorce I'd not judge at this point, you will be second guessing. I'd keep dating him and see how it goes.

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