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Original poster

Second date and he tells me...

93 replies

tribeswally · 16/09/2018 10:46

...he was divorced after a year and can't have children.

He's 35, I'm 29. He can't have children bcuz of an illness years ago which left him infertile. He said he wants children and is open to options.The divorce doesn't bother me, except he mentioned the ex-wife had depression which ultimately affected the relationship and that they were only married a year but together 4 years. is that a red flag in itself? and would you be put off by the children situation?

I am trying to be a bit more careful about who I date as i really just want to settle down and have a family now, but at the same time i dont want to write people off. historically i havent been the best at recognising red flags though. i know the fertility isnt a red flag in itself but it has made me think i need to be careful - is that unfair?!

OP posts:
JungWan · 16/09/2018 11:23

i DON'T think it's intense for a second date that was going well. He is being honest with you. When is it less intense, 12 dates in when you're full of optimism? Better to just be honest and mention it date two. I like that. Agree though, use condoms.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 16/09/2018 11:24

I don't mean to be tactless - I've had IVF myself - but you don't actually know that you can have children either

Greycat11 · 16/09/2018 11:27

I'd be worried on both counts but especially the marriage break up, assuming it was him who left due to her depression. What happened to in sickness and in health? It would worry me that he would be unsupportive, unreliable and only there for the good times. Might be a lot more to it of course but I'd see it as a red flag

ArnoldBee · 16/09/2018 11:30

Do you have depression or have lived with someone who does? I do and have often contemplated divorce. There are varying degrees of depression and the effects upon a marriage are profound so I wouldn't see him in a bad light if his marriage broke down because of it.

RyderWhiteSwan · 16/09/2018 11:30

Living with someone with depression can be extremely draining. Maybe he tried his best to be supportive but simply couldn't cope any longer.

SockQueen · 16/09/2018 11:32

With my super-cynical hat on, he's not claiming to be infertile so you'll have sex without a condom is he?!

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/09/2018 11:34

Be mean. It's your life. 5 years down the line you will regret not being mean.

Women need to stop putting men's feelings first.

RyderWhiteSwan · 16/09/2018 11:35

Apt username with that comment SockQueen Grin

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/09/2018 11:36

Yeah shooting blanks is one thing, but I'm fairly certain there will be some ejaculate as semen contains more than just sperm. There are STI risks.

AnoukSpirit · 16/09/2018 11:36

Your instincts seem to be that actually this just isn't right for you, for several reasons.

You're then second guessing yourself and guilt tripping yourself into ways to overrule your instincts.

I'd listen to them. It's not "mean" to trust yourself and put your own needs first. Especially with someone you've only been on two dates with. You don't owe him anything for being honest. Or at all.

Bombardier25966 · 16/09/2018 11:39

I wouldn't take the depression comment as a red flag. As someone with MH problems, I know how hard it can be for partners to cope with. You never know what the next day will bring, and that's unsettling even for the strongest of relationships.

The fertility thing, good on him for being upfront. He could have told you a year down the line, that would have been cruel. Or you could have problems yourself in future (I hope that doesn't happen). There are other options that don't have to be IVF.

If you like him I'd get to know him a bit better before deciding if there is any future in the relationship.

Happityhap · 16/09/2018 11:41

OP, you don't sound as if you're really into this guy.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/09/2018 11:45

To be blunt, if you want children and he can't have them, then this really isn't an ideal relationship for you, is it.
You're only 2 dates in, fgs - it's better to let him go gracefully and let him find a partner that doesn't want children and therefore will have no issues with his infertility.

It's not really fair on either of you to carry on with this, is it. Thanks

TatianaLarina · 16/09/2018 11:45

So she took him on despite infertility but he bailed when she was depressed?

You’re 29, have plenty of time and plenty of choice. It’s not like you’re 40 and it’s him or nothing.

BettyCrook · 16/09/2018 11:47

I think its good he told you and I wouldn't date him further because im not keen on sperm donation or ivf..lots of posts here mention the toll ivf takes on the body and the strain the whole process puts on a relationship. he bailed when she had depression.. ivf isnt a walk in the park.... so i dont think he is the type to keep his words... i mean marriage is a commitment... one year isnt my idea of commitment.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/09/2018 11:48

Do you like him or don't you? That (to me) should be the real issue. Re his infertility, assuming you are fertile then surely getting knocked up just involves donor sperm - not full blown IVF! He goes up a notch in my book for being honest. Sad that so many here are blowing off (figuratively) infertile men sperm donors who might be perfectly nice just because they are infertile!

Penguinsnpandas · 16/09/2018 11:48

We had male factor infertility, the only option to have DHs biological child was IVF with ICSI, that is also used for infertility on both sides.

cricketmum84 · 16/09/2018 11:54

Difficult one. I don't think it's fair to veto him for being infertile. Like he says there are plenty of other options.
The sticking point for me is the marriage only lasting a year due to the ExW depression - this makes me question his "sticking power" when the going gets tough and all that? Was it him not willing to work on the relationship or her? Did he run at the first sign of difficulty?

LusaCole · 16/09/2018 11:54

The divorce after only a year because of his wife's depression would worry me a bit - it comes across as if he bailed a bit too easily but of course no one really knows what happens in someone else's relationship.

The fertility thing - as long as he was definitely committed to having a child in other ways - wouldn't bother me. As others have said, at least you can crack in with the other options when you're ready rather than wasting time TTC naturally. And I admire his honesty.

On balance I think I'd carry on dating him if I really, really liked him.

AsleepAllDay · 16/09/2018 11:57

The people saying that it's not intense for date 2 (they presumably haven't even DTD), what kind of dates do you go on?

Agree that the disclosure is good early on but also he's thrown two spanners in the works. You know that continuing with him will mean comprising on conceiving children & also maybe he doesn't do well with pressure (the divorce)

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/09/2018 11:58

If you’re not already smitten I would walk. You can’t continue a relationship because it would be mean not to. You already know there is an issue and that’s before you are emotionally committed to one another. Let him find someone who is either ambivalent about having children, or has their own, or is so knocked out by him they will consider IVF, adoption or whatever option there is to build a family with him.

He’s an honest guy, give him that, but he’s not for you. Be equally honest when you tell him, he deserves someone who is a better match.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 16/09/2018 11:58

Why would you feel bad for thinking hmmm I would like a family, and this man can’t have children so this probably wouldn’t work...

Seems pretty straightforward and sensible to me, and not something to feel bad about.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/09/2018 12:00

We had male factor infertility, the only option to have DHs biological child was IVF with ICSI

But there are other options - donor sperm for example.

BettyCrook · 16/09/2018 12:02

The people saying that it's not intense for date 2 (they presumably haven't even DTD), what kind of dates do you go on?

If I'm looking for a relationship I'd rather know important things like that, like religious views, politics etc before having sex. If it's a casual, FWB thing no. I think it's sensible to talk about this by date 3 if you are both serious.

FuckingHateRain · 16/09/2018 12:04

Infertility:
Go ahead and chose someone else and who might even have worse IF than him. My husband seemed to have no issues nice healthy chap and his sperm was a mess, we ended up with IVF. You don't know your insides either with all due respect

Depression : what is it 1 in 4 these days? Why is it so strange in your mind that his OW was depressed and they ended up splitting cause of this? Can't depression destroy a marriage?
If I was in my 20s these would possibly be red flags but there are worse out there, nice honest decent bloke compensates for anything else IMO