Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Second date and he tells me...

93 replies

tribeswally · 16/09/2018 10:46

...he was divorced after a year and can't have children.

He's 35, I'm 29. He can't have children bcuz of an illness years ago which left him infertile. He said he wants children and is open to options.The divorce doesn't bother me, except he mentioned the ex-wife had depression which ultimately affected the relationship and that they were only married a year but together 4 years. is that a red flag in itself? and would you be put off by the children situation?

I am trying to be a bit more careful about who I date as i really just want to settle down and have a family now, but at the same time i dont want to write people off. historically i havent been the best at recognising red flags though. i know the fertility isnt a red flag in itself but it has made me think i need to be careful - is that unfair?!

OP posts:
Penguinsnpandas · 16/09/2018 12:05

Donor sperm isn't his biological child. It's another mans.

eddielizzard · 16/09/2018 12:26

The red flag for me is divorce after a year. So his vow of marriage in sickness and in health lasted for 12 months. Great show of commitment there. And if she became depressed after being married to him that doesn't show him in a good light. And if she was depressed before they got married, he knew what he was getting into. So again, no excuse.

I'd commend him on being upfront on the fertility issue though.

But I'd still move on.

OnlyObjectivity · 16/09/2018 12:26

Move on.

It's only second date and there are already potential issues. These will be lurking in your mind on every date from now onwards. You are denying him the opportunity of having a relationship with someone for who these things are not an issue.

Bail now before you get too attached.
There plenty of other good people out there.

CandidaAlbicans · 16/09/2018 12:37

He gets a lot of brownie points IMHO for telling OP quickly about his infertility rather than letting a relationship and emotions develop then telling her. He's shown a decent side to his character. The short marriage being an issue? No idea because only he and his ex-wife know what being in a relationship with each other was like. We have no idea if he "abandoned" her, or whether she was hell on earth to live with. We often hear of abuse ramping up after marriage don't we, and just because she had depression doesn't mean she was an angel in all other ways. We just don't know either way.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 16/09/2018 12:40

Donor sperm isn't his biological child. It's another mans

So? He said he was open to options. also, no shit

Butterfly44 · 16/09/2018 12:49

The divorce is no biggie, the infertility is an issue, but it really depends on him as a person - do you like him, do you want to see him again? If it's a no then move on. If you like him see him again. You sound like you've your shopping list you want ticked off, so are holding out for a better deal. Only you can know if you want to see him again or not, not us.

youarenotkiddingme · 16/09/2018 12:58

Divorce after a year isn't necessarily a red flag.

Maybe they tried as a couple to manage XW depression and thought marriage etc may help but it didn't? Maybe she couldn't cope with his infertility and the idea of this made her depression worse?

I think you need to have your eyes wide open and if you go further consider honestly if this will affect things. If it will it's kinder for you both to end it now.

Rebecca36 · 16/09/2018 13:09

You've only had two dates, meet a few more men. It's far too early to think of settling down with him on such short acquaintance, never mind talking about IVF with a stranger's sperm. IVF is no easy option and you could easily meet someone else you prefer and have kids normally.

Btw it wouldn't hurt in future for him to tell people straight off that having kids isn't on the cards, there are plenty of women who would still like to have a relationship with him, some of whom might have a child already.

Original poster
tribeswally · 16/09/2018 13:38

Just to be clear - he does want children and obviously cut up about not being able to. But obviously it is still a concern for me when it is something you know you want. And yes there could be problems with anyone for all sorts of reasons, I get that.

His marriage lasting a year and leaving his wife when she apparently was desperate to make it work made me question it all - if he couldn’t cope with that it doesn’t bode well for the difficulty of raising a family in this way (at least that is how I see that). You’d need to be strong and with a strong sense of commitment.

We didn’t discuss his marriage in detail, just that she wasn’t trying in the way he wanted but she didn’t want it to end. He said he didn’t want that, he wanted a strong and independent woman.

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 16/09/2018 13:49

I think it depends on if you think there's the potential for you to fall madly in love with him against how much you want children. If children are your heart's desire then I wouldn't be taking it any further.

Orlandointhewilderness · 16/09/2018 13:55

i would appreciate the fact he had told me early enough. that says a lot about him tbh.

Original poster
tribeswally · 16/09/2018 14:13

I like him but being blunt I’m surprised he gave up on his wife after a year when she had accepted his infertility! I know that may sound harsh but it seems to say something quite unsettling about him to not try beyond a year in that background. I didn’t like He comment about him wanting an independent woman either - sort of putting her down I sensed.

Consensus seems to be its not an unusual reaction to want to stay away all things considered!

I’m trying not write people off so quickly and keep an open mind :)

OP posts:
Anastassiabeaverhausen · 16/09/2018 14:13

Unless it was love at first sight or fireworks where you just clicked instantly, then I'd let this one go.
I agree that divorcing after a year because she was depressed doesn't sound great. And saying he wanted a strong, independent woman sounds more like 'I didn't want to support her through depression, she needed too much from me'.

Original poster
tribeswally · 16/09/2018 14:17

That was my thought - felt bad for thinking it though! Then my next thought was...how would he deal with children?! Especially those that weren’t biologically his. Seems like you need to be super strong for that

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 16/09/2018 14:17

There may have been other factors towards him leaving. He probably didn't love her enough to accept she had problems. That doesn't really say anything bad about him. He doesn't have to accept someone else's problems just because they have accepted his if the feelings are no longer there or he wants it to be over. She probably loved him and wanted it to work more than he did.

Original poster
tribeswally · 16/09/2018 14:21

That’s true chocolate, but a divorce within a year still seems to suggest he isn’t particularly understanding of others

OP posts:
LondonLassInTheCountry · 16/09/2018 14:23

You wouldnt need IVF if you are ok.
Just a sperm donor.

Red flag about the divorce because he blamed the depression....
Have you had a close relationship with a depressed person? Its very hard, and sometimes, even if you love that person, you have to walk away, and sometimes for your own sanity, you dont know how the depression effected her or him, so i dont think you should judge so early on.
(Everyone likes to think you would and should stand by your partner but its not always that black and white)

Its the 2nd date, his been honest with you. You arent in love
Give it a chance, get to know him abit more

Original poster
tribeswally · 16/09/2018 14:27

No I haven’t, but she by all accounts wanted it to work and he wasn’t willing to try. She accused him of coming home from work at 9pm everyday and apparently wasn’t being understanding about his job. I work in the same industry as him and it is completely feasible to leave work on time mostly. He obviously chose not to. The wanting an ‘independent woman’ thing also seemed an odd thing.

However i am not suggesting that it was easy and I don’t know about it all It is more that I think if he didn’t deal with that then could he properly deal with having a child that wasn’t ‘his’ and so on.

OP posts:
LondonLassInTheCountry · 16/09/2018 15:14

Its only the 2nd date....

TurnipCake · 16/09/2018 15:43

I'd walk away.

Would he also struggle with post-natal depression?

The wanting an ‘independent woman’ thing also seemed an odd thing

LOL, the men who said that to me when dating turned out to be the biggest misogynists.

Original poster
tribeswally · 16/09/2018 15:46

Turnip - same in my experience too!

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 16/09/2018 17:15

I think if you're having this many reservations and you're only 2 dates in, you should call it a day. When I was single and dating, I knew early on if I wasn't feeling it, and I sometimes tried to see if things would change but they never did.

Cawfee · 16/09/2018 17:19

He sounds lazy and flakey to me. Big fat no

Pebblesandfriends · 16/09/2018 17:20

He doesn't want to waste your time, and all credit to him. If everything else ticks the boxes and you have a good feeling try a few more dates and see what happens keeping this information in mind. If you know it's a deal breaker or you have any other doubts I would walk away now.

Ilove80s · 16/09/2018 17:23

If your luck is anything like mine, you would be unlikely to get past the second date anyway for all sorts of different reasons.

I wouldn’t bother myself. You want a family, he can’t have children. It would be different if you found out further down the line but in this case I don’t see the point in pursuing it.