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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you stay with someone who lied to you?

95 replies

BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 02:16

Just that really. He is kind and caring and we get on well but I have caught him lying to me on a number of occasions. He says his actions were completely wrong and he promises he will never lie to me again. I agreed to give him a chance to show me it would never happen again. But he has no problem lying to other people still, which I know because he is very open about it. It bothers me how dishonesty comes so naturally to him. Am I over thinking it? As long as he is honest with me does it matter? I guess I’m worried I won’t know if he lies to me again. And if it comes so naturally to him, can he stop himself from lying to me too?

OP posts:

anxiousnow · 21/02/2018 02:21

I wouldn't feel comfortable trusting that he still isn't lying to you if he had done it repeatedly and still showing he can lie easily to others so it is engrained behaviour and a basic lack of morals. What type of lies are they? If someone lied to me about something embarrassing for example or I could see a valid reason it might be slightly different.

TheLovelyHorse · 21/02/2018 02:24

Depends what he's lying about tbh.

Original poster

BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 02:29

He has lied to me about all sorts of things, from past relationships when we first met to where he is. One thing that troubles me about it is that when I catch him out he still maintains that he is telling me the truth. He has sworn blind he didn’t do something for 2 weeks until I stumbled across hard evidence that my gut feeling was right all along.

OP posts:

HirplesWithHaggis · 21/02/2018 03:02

Google gaslighting... oops, I did it for you!

SpringHen · 21/02/2018 03:13

Some people are such natural liars that they dont even notice themselves doing it. They lie about things that are inconsequential either way so the lie has no benefit/point to it.
They lie so much that the lie becomes their memory of the event and they dont believe themselves to be dishonest.

This sort of person CANNOT promise you they wont lie to you. They lie to themselves and its so natural they dont know theyre lying. They arent capable if keeping that promise.

I dont know if he is one of those ^
IMO the way to tell is if they are so in the habit of lying that they lie about small stuff. Pointless stuff. Stuff that leaves you wondering why they would lie about that?. That tells you that lying is the default for them.

NotTheFordType · 21/02/2018 03:14

Hell to the no!

He's shown you who he is. Unless you're happy to spend EVERY conversation from now on going "I don't believe you because you lie so often. Prove it" then get the hell out.

Original poster

BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 03:16

That describes my ex husband perfectly. But I don’t think that is what my boyfriend is doing. Though he has clearly told massive lies and his actions don’t always match his words. I think he was trying to protect himself. He says he was ashamed of what he had done so kept denying it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/02/2018 03:20

I couldn't respect someone like that. No respect, no relationship

Original poster

BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 03:20

He has definitely lied about stuff that I couldn’t understand why anyone would feel the need to lie about.

OP posts:

SpringHen · 21/02/2018 03:25

Its not always gaslighting

Sometimes its an old defense mechanism that morphed into habit.

You cant fix either

Angelf1sh · 21/02/2018 03:51

Unless the lies were purely the kind needed to keep a secret about a surprise birthday party, I couldn’t put up with that long term. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone I didn’t trust.

RemainOptimistic · 21/02/2018 03:55

You're wondering if you should put up with this despite only recently starting the relationship?

In a nice way please have a word with yourself!

Vitalogy · 21/02/2018 04:07

Sometimes its an old defense mechanism that morphed into habit. I agree.

It's no good OP, you can't feel secure with people like this, it's always a case of wondering and being unsettled.

Cavender · 21/02/2018 04:11

Good relationships are built on trust.

Don’t tie yourself to a man you can’t trust.

Being able to have faith in your partner is the absolute minimum you need to demand from a partner.

Original poster

BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 04:22

I took him back because I’m pregnant. But I’m really doubting that this is someone I want to have a baby with. Even though there is part of me that loves him. Everything is such a mess 😪

OP posts:

Cavender · 21/02/2018 04:24

Oh dear.

I’m sorry Beaux. You need to have a serious conversation, he’s about to be a father, he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his behaviour.

Original poster

BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 04:27

He says all the right things and I believe he does love me and our baby. But I just have this nagging feeling that I might never be able to trust him completely and that he is too irresponsible to have a serious long term relationship with.

OP posts:

Cavender · 21/02/2018 04:34

Love isn’t always enough. Relationships take work. Serious, consistent work.

You need to discuss this with him. He needs to be prepared to put the work in.

He needs to know specifically how you feel about this and what the consequences will be if he can’t be honest.

heartyrebel · 21/02/2018 04:38

His lying will erode your relationship . You'll never know what's true and what's not and start doubting yourself.
Get rid if it's not too late

Original poster

BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 04:39

I’ve had all those conversations with him. But I doubt I would always know if he was lying to me about something, my instinct might not pick everything up. And I feel that I shouldn’t have to point out that lying is wrong and that he shouldn’t be lying to people about anything and everything for his own gain.

OP posts:

Cavender · 21/02/2018 04:46

You need to decide for yourself where your “lines in the sand” are, in your position I’d be planning for the future and making sure that I didn’t become financially dependent on this man.

I’m so sorry.

Original poster

BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 04:57

He has been financially dependent on me in many ways. He is now working again though and not asking to borrow money from me. He has also moved out as he was basically living in my house and driving my car for free. Which I had had enough of. He recognises this was something he shouldn’t have done and is trying to put it right. But I fear the damage is already done.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 21/02/2018 05:05

How can you be with someone who has no integrity, who you can't trust?
Don't stay with him just because you're pregnant. I know you said he realises he shouldn't have lived in your house for free but also you shouldn't have let him! Please establish some boundaries for how you want to be treated in future

Original poster

BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 05:09

He was never supposed to live there for free. He was supposed to contribute but there was always a reason why he couldn’t. Eventually everything came to a dramatic Head and he moved out.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 21/02/2018 05:18

Don't let him move back in. You're definitely better off without this nonsense.

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