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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you stay with someone who lied to you?

95 replies

BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 02:16

Just that really. He is kind and caring and we get on well but I have caught him lying to me on a number of occasions. He says his actions were completely wrong and he promises he will never lie to me again. I agreed to give him a chance to show me it would never happen again. But he has no problem lying to other people still, which I know because he is very open about it. It bothers me how dishonesty comes so naturally to him. Am I over thinking it? As long as he is honest with me does it matter? I guess I’m worried I won’t know if he lies to me again. And if it comes so naturally to him, can he stop himself from lying to me too?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 10:29

I know exactly how you feel about loosing faith in men. I have survived so much already and not sure I am strong enough to take any more or to start again. At least he has put his hands up and is making no excuses for his behaviour. But can it change?

OP posts:
catbasilio · 21/02/2018 10:36

Not sure if that will work OP. I suspect yours has good intentions not to lie, but in the long-term won't be capable of keeping the promise.

Small lies was something I could overlook as a bad habit, if it does not affect daily life, but fundamental values have to stand true.

Can you still terminate?
I was pregnant from my bf but I chose not to continue. It was the right decision (looking in the hindsight) and easier than I thought it will be.

Original poster
BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 10:45

I could do but its much later than I would have liked. It's taking a long time for everything to sink in. And I have been feeling so awful I have struggled to think straight. And he is so sorry and is trying to put things right, I feel guilty thinking about terminating as its not the baby's fault. But I don't want to bring a baby into a bad situation.

OP posts:
catbasilio · 21/02/2018 10:52

I'd say book a termination appointment - it won't be immediately - and then have your time to think.
PM me if you want to chat.. (I could not open to anyone in RL)

Original poster
BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 11:02

Thank you. It's the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I feel so sad. I have already cancelled one appointment so scared to book another

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 21/02/2018 11:52

Book another.
You don't have to go through with it if you don't want to at the time.
But give yourself that option at least.

jkl0311 · 21/02/2018 12:07

@HirplesWithHaggis
That old gaslighting chestnut is the most overused word on this forum please stop using it for every negative man situation.
As for OP the blokes a compulsive liar unless you want to spend the rest of your life double checking every last word that comes out of his mouth.... bin him off

LemonShark · 21/02/2018 12:11

jkl0311 👏🏻 Honestly I think the term gaslighting has been picked up and used so often now in inappropriate situations posters just parrot it as an explanation for any shoddy behaviour in a partner. Without actually bothering to learn what gaslighting is. I suppose it makes the user sound like they're wise and knowledgeable about relationships to others who also haven't a clue. But to anyone who understands the term it's very odd to see it thrown around willy nilly when that's not what's taking place.

jkl0311 · 21/02/2018 12:11

Oh gosh OP reading the rest of the thread you are in a difficult situation. How many weeks are you? Have you got other kids to consider? All I would bare in mind is keeping this baby would mean non stop contact with this liar for the next 18 years and more, are you really up for putting yourself on that rollercoaster?

jkl0311 · 21/02/2018 12:16

@LemonShark really we should be the Mumsnet gaslighting police just calling people out when they use it in the incorrect way 🙋‍♀️ I cannot stand it

LemonShark · 21/02/2018 12:18

Haha! I never say anything tbh as I imagine most people don't care when they use words incorrectly and I've seen people get snippy saying the other person is just being pedantic. But seeing as you mentioned it I'm happy to show my support!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/02/2018 12:22

If you can see yourself writing the same post in one year /5 years/10 years...

Practised liars rarely change... They gain so much through lying (money, cocklodging, getting out of doing stuff they can't be arsed to do...)

In a bigger landscape, can you be with someone who has so little integrity and someone you can't trust.... Would you want you future kid modeling themselves on him?

I would be seriously considering not continuing with pregnancy, then you can get this lose out of your life and have the chance for happiness elsewhere

Original poster
BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 12:30

I'm nearly 13 weeks, so running out of time if I want to terminate. I don't think I do want to be tied to him for 18 years no. And I'm not sure he can be the role model I want for my child, however much he promises he wont ever lie to me again etc. I'm not even confident I would receive regular maintenance and I would really struggle without. He has done so much already, I have plenty of reasons to report him to the police, but then I stand no chance of getting my money back.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 12:39

He is so convincing though about how he can change. And how he will never lie again, or speak to me the way he has done sometimes. He himself said he has been awful to me. But it feels like a massive risk to stick around and find out if he can actually change his ways. And I don't want to have to change someone. I just want someone to be a good person because thats who they are.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/02/2018 12:53

It sounds as if you're answering your own question....

Also it occurs to me... He knows you're running out of time for TOP....

Bottom line:
He's had loads of time to change...

What makes you think he'll change when he has lied so comprehensively before....??

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/02/2018 12:59

Sorry OP.

Nothing you have written about him gives any confidence he'll change...

He's borrowed money and hasn't repaid.. When he said he would.

He's not contributed to his living expenses when he said he would.

He's spent all his money on himself... He doesn't mind about leaving you short...

He's lied when he said he wouldn't... And doesn't apologise unless it's in his own interest to do so, and you have irrefutable evidence... Do you really want to spend your time amassing evidence of his lies??

I really really wouldn't want to be attached to this man long term... You'll have a baby, and a flaky, financially irresponsible and lying father?...

You and future kids deserve more....

SpringHen · 21/02/2018 13:01

And how he will never lie again
Im one of those awful foot in mouth people who are almost too honest (I do try to rein it in) but even I cant promise that I will never evet lie ever!

That is a vacuous promise. Another lie. He just want to say whatever he needs to say to get what he wants. Then he'll go back to normal

Vitalogy · 21/02/2018 13:16

Sorry you're going through this OP.

so why even bother dumping my bf and looking for another one. Honestly it's better to be on your own than with any man that's not up to your standards. I've spent years on my own, it can be fine you know.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 21/02/2018 13:33

Let him prove his changes with his next (target) girlfriend. It is an empty exercise because if he does somehow “change” (and what are the parameters identifying what constitutes “change”?) then you will always have that seed in the back of your mind : has he started lying again?

And why does solitude get so blacklisted? I love solitude. And you won’t be alone, you have your dc. Embrace them and embrace yourself. Scrape this parasite off your shoe and don’t look back. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 13:38

He has borrowed money and not paid me back when he said he would. And he hasn’t contributed financially but it’s not because he has spent all his money on himself. He just hasn’t had any. When he has money he spends it on me even if that means he goes without. So be isnt all bad

OP posts:
SpringHen · 21/02/2018 14:06

So be isnt all bad

Nobody has said that he's 100% evil.

Not being satan isnt really enough to qualify him as partner/husband material though. You should aim a LITTLE higher than just "at least he has some redeming qualities"

pollythedolly · 21/02/2018 15:38

It's not always gaslighting
*
Sometimes its an old defense mechanism that morphed into habit.

You cant fix either*

This.

Original poster
BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 18:08

I just feel so sad. And worry that I will end up feeling even worse if I end the pregnancy and the relationship

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 21/02/2018 18:24

Maybe right down a for and against list.

Original poster
BeauxReves · 21/02/2018 19:00

Think I should try that again. I dud and decided the sensible decision was to walk away from him. But then I couldn’t stop crying at the thought of terminating the pregnancy. Even though I’m not even sure I want another baby

OP posts: