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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DS (2) frightened of DH...

91 replies

ElephantsYeah · 14/01/2018 23:53

I wonder if anyone can help. My ds is 2, and said tonight that he is scared of dh (his dad).

DH is a kind and gentle man, though does sometimes get cross and snap by shouting too loudly (imo) but has never ever been violent to ds (or me).

He is devastated that ds said this. I don't know what to suggest he does to help ds become more comfortable with him so wondered if anyone has any tips?

We're (relatively) new to parenting and I expect we're getting all sorts wrong, but I don't think our ds should ever feel frightened of either of us, ever. So I want to nip this in the bud before it drives dh away (he was so hurt, he said he might as well not be part of the family).

OP posts:

derangedmermaid · 14/01/2018 23:54

You say you're new to parenting? Is that because your son is only two or because of a different situation?

AnyFucker · 14/01/2018 23:56

It's pretty simple isn't it, really ?

Oh, and tell your stupid husband not to be such a pathetic drama llama

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/01/2018 23:56

It sounds as though you're adopting your little boy. If that's the case he's bringing all his past experiences with him and your husband needs to understand that and go very, very gently. Of course he's a valued member of the family, but really, he shouldn't be shouting at a 2 year old anyway, no matter how vulnerable or tough that child is.

Original poster

ElephantsYeah · 14/01/2018 23:57

Because our son is only 2. Nothing else going on. He's our natural son and completely and utterly wanted, hoped for and loved.

OP posts:

Original poster

ElephantsYeah · 14/01/2018 23:58

Sorry, I just meant we're only 2 years into this journey and I regularly feel like we don't know what we're doing. Not that we adopted our boy.

OP posts:

BetterEatCheese · 14/01/2018 23:58

When you say he snaps, is he suddenly without wanting shouting? That would be scary.

Also it can be scary for children if parental behaviour is inconsistent and they consequently don't feel safe or able to predict the next situation.

Is his behaviour unpredictable?
Violence and aggression aren't just physical.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/01/2018 23:58

Your husband, then, needs to realise that he's about 10 times the weight of your son and about six times his height. His voice will be incredibly loud if he's shouting.

He needs to get a grip and realise just how small and vulnerable your son is.

OnASummersDay · 15/01/2018 00:00

Does you husband work more often than you? When I was a child my father was at work more often than my mother, who was a SAHM, and so I was less familiar with him and I was more wary when he got angry. My mother was the 'disciplinarian' as it were (although anger was quite rare in my household).

Could it be this? If so I think reassurance that everyone gets angry and it doesn't mean they don't love us etc could be the way forward, that worked with me. I'm extremely close to both of my parents as an adult.

Weezol · 15/01/2018 00:01

This might sound odd, but has your dh recently shaved off a beard or radically altered his appearance?

When I was about three, my dad shaved off his beard and when he came out of the bathroom I cried, screamed and wouldn't have anything to do with him for a day or two because he looked 'wrong'.

Mxyzptlk · 15/01/2018 00:02

does sometimes get cross and snap by shouting too loudly

Your DH needs to not do that and to not try and make it all about himself.

Greensleeves · 15/01/2018 00:05

Think some posters are being a bit harsh. My dh would be terribly upset too, and so would I.

It's likely that there has been a cross moment which your ds has taken to heart, and your dh probably had no idea he was being intimidating. Toddlers are sensitive, complicated little creatures.

Your dh needs to know that you don't blame him, so that you can work together to repair his bond with ds. He'll need to make an extra effort to modulate his oice and be gentle. I would start with dh doing some key elements of the nurturing - bathtime, bedtime stories - with you there so that ds doesn't feel too anxious and can come to you if he needs to.

derangedmermaid · 15/01/2018 00:05

2 year olds don't do anything to warrant being fully shouted at.

Death threats quietly whispered into a pillow after 3 days without a wink of sleep maybe, but no shouting.

You OH needs to get a grip.

And don't you dare justify his behaviour to your child. Don't apologise for him. Tell the kid it's not his fault and then get your OH to apologise.

jbee1979 · 15/01/2018 00:07

My 2 year old told me today that "daddy is sad with me". He wasn't! I think she's picking up on phrases and words and experimenting. If nothing happened, could be just be new to expressing his feelings and trying to communicate something milder? We also hear "no like daddy!" But that because he's not up to performing a particular task, and it's my job!! It's all a learning curve!

Missingstreetlife · 15/01/2018 00:08

Ask him why?

Original poster

ElephantsYeah · 15/01/2018 00:22

DH has shouted at him for the following reasons:

when ds used to bite me (he went through a phase of this, grew out of it, then when he started nursery he started biting again, he hasn't done this in a while and I tend to say "we don't bite, we kiss" and give him a kiss - which seems to work reasonably well)
tooth brushing. DS hates having his teeth brushed. We both (me and DH) find this very stressful and it's very hard not to get frustrated by him refusing to even open his mouth. I don't think this is an excuse to get cross with him, but just explaining the situation.
Rarely, but it's happened, at dinner time when ds refuses to eat anything except for sausages. We're on a tight budget and I guess this is both of us, but it is stressful thinking about throwing food away. It just is! But again, I think normal toddler behaviour and have suggested that we just let him get on with it and though I would dearly like it if he ate veggies it's probably one of those things that'll come later. He does eat fruit so is getting vitamins etc.
ds sometimes hits dh in the face. He sometimes does it to me but I don't get as cross. I just distract him with something else.

This evening, we were all tucked up in bed, ds in his room, and I think dh wanted to have sex but ds woke up and padded in to our room. I still breastfeed so he comes to me for that in the night. I said to dh "can you try and get him back to his own bed?" Because I want to reduce (and eventually stop) breastfeeding, especially in the middle of the night! Anyway, dh tried but ds wanted mummy... fine, he comes in, feeds then asks for some water. His sippy cup is in his room where dh is now (ds has a full sized single bed which dh sleeps in when ds is in with me or ds will literally kick dh out of our bed) so being the laziest woman in the world I asked him to get it himself. That's when he said "scared of daddy". I know he knows that dh was cross about having to switch rooms, dh didn't shoot or anything but did get huffy, so it was obvious.

I got the cup and told dh what ds had said. DH came in to our room to try and give ds a cuddle but he wouldn't go near him and just wanted me and his "booboo". I know dh is devastated by this.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/01/2018 00:25

Where do you think the root of the problem lies here ?

Original poster

ElephantsYeah · 15/01/2018 00:26

Both DH and I work full time. My work is closer to home/nursery so I do have more time with ds though. But only a couple of extra hours a day.

OP posts:

Original poster

ElephantsYeah · 15/01/2018 00:28

AnyFucker, I expect its because tonight dh wanted to have sex and was cross (but didn't shout, just huffy) that ds came into the room.

OP posts:

Weezol · 15/01/2018 00:30

Maybe dh would just like to sleep in his own bed with his wife rather than being turfed out as and when?

derangedmermaid · 15/01/2018 00:35

A. None of those reasons are enough for an adult to shout at a kid. Shouting will just exacerbate all of those normal toddler behaviours.

B. Your DH resents the kid (some would say rightly so, I wouldn't) for being turfed out of his bed and the kid picks up on that.

To your ds you are the pinnacle of love and comfort and your DH is the angry shouty man that spends a lot of time behaving really negatively toward him.

He's two, mentally he's developing incredibly quickly and almost all of that is emotional attachment and the beginnings of establishing relationships.

I think if my sons dad dared shout at him at that age I would have throat punched the cunt.

AnyFucker · 15/01/2018 00:35

Is that ok with you, op ?

Your husband frightened your son because he foiled his plan to have sex ?

Original poster

ElephantsYeah · 15/01/2018 00:39

No, it's not ok with me.

OP posts:

derangedmermaid · 15/01/2018 00:40

By the way OP, nobody is having a go at you. You've not done anything wrong.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 15/01/2018 00:42

I dunno.

I'm sure dh doesn't always get things right but it does sound like you have a very small, dictator lying in your bed right now.

10thingsIKnowAboutYou · 15/01/2018 00:43

OP nothing's happened that can't be changed/fixed/improved. Your DH has to stop shouting and getting huffy about your DS's behaviour. Not everyone knows, without experience, how little children view the world and maybe he hadn't realised how his behaviour could affect your little boy. But now he knows, he has to change his ways. Being a first time parent takes a lot of self-training

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