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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS (2) frightened of DH...

91 replies

ElephantsYeah · 14/01/2018 23:53

I wonder if anyone can help. My ds is 2, and said tonight that he is scared of dh (his dad).

DH is a kind and gentle man, though does sometimes get cross and snap by shouting too loudly (imo) but has never ever been violent to ds (or me).

He is devastated that ds said this. I don't know what to suggest he does to help ds become more comfortable with him so wondered if anyone has any tips?

We're (relatively) new to parenting and I expect we're getting all sorts wrong, but I don't think our ds should ever feel frightened of either of us, ever. So I want to nip this in the bud before it drives dh away (he was so hurt, he said he might as well not be part of the family).

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 15/01/2018 00:44

OP how do you feel? Do you worry about the way your dh relates to ds? If he really is devastated about this (as my dh would be - he is an aazing hands-on loving dad, but occasionally gets grumpy) then he should be open to some strategies for building up the bond and getting past this.

Could you have that conversation with him?

10thingsIKnowAboutYou · 15/01/2018 00:49

Tips:

  • Create half an hour once or twice a week for DH and DS spend time together, let DH sit on the floor and play a game with DS not watch TV , let DH feed DS sometimes during the day, familiarise himself with songs DS likes and sing to him... lots of things he can do to share your LO's world.
  • Let DH practice in front of the mirror to say, calmly and firmly and lovingly "let's not do that", "oh it's nicer to kiss", "let's try this"... repeat until it becomes habit Grin
AssassinatedBeauty · 15/01/2018 00:51

There's lots of things going on here, but none of these things mean it's ok for an adult to properly shout at a 2 year old. None of the things you describe justify his reaction.

The comment he made in response to being told your DS is scared of him is a massive overreaction. If I'm being generous it could have been an instant reaction based on being upset by it. If he continues to say that then he is really being OTT and needs to consider who is the adult in this situation. Small children often say things that are mean, because they don't understand the impact of what they're saying and they're "in the moment" much more than adults.

If your DH is unhappy with the night time arrangements he needs to have a sensible discussion with you to agree an ongoing plan.

You also need to agree about managing behaviour. Both of you need to agree that you don't shout at DS and then stick to it. Does he really think that shouting is an effective strategy?

Original poster
ElephantsYeah · 15/01/2018 00:52

Yes, dh will try to fix this, he's very receptive to learning how to parent better. I think part of it is because his father wasn't very nice to him, his brother and mother when he was a kid. His dad is a piece of work and we rarely see him. But sometimes (when he gets cross) that's who I see. And it's not nice.

Thank you for all the comments tonight. I have work in the morning so am going to try and get some sleep. Good night!

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 15/01/2018 00:53

I think your DH has to cut the shouting and start some love bombing.

Greensleeves · 15/01/2018 00:56

We all have our baggage Elephants. I've been guilty of snapping at my kids, and it's been a constant learning curve not to bring my mother's nasty personality into my parenting. If he's able to accept that it's a problem and he wants to work on it, that's all positive.

Sleep well Flowers

AlmondPearls · 15/01/2018 00:56

My DD was a bit anxious around my grandfather for ages due to an incident whereby he shouted at another driver during a bit of road-rage. He has quite a deep, booming voice naturally so it scared her a bit (she didn't cry though but I saw it on her face). We talked to him about it and she's warmed to him now. She's still not overly fond of his natural voice though - her father is very softly-spoken (bordering on mumbling), so it's a big difference.

I think it's your DHs voice/shouting.

thingymaboob · 15/01/2018 00:59

Have you thought about stopping the night breastfeeding? I know you said you were trying to cut it down at night but is there a chance that your DS has noticed this change and is now reacting to a reduction in what is ultimately a very basic human need which he has been use to since birth?
I have had a few friends who have continued to breastfeed until 2-3 years and they've all had problems when they've tried weening as the 2-3 year old is much more aware of this change and I think it makes them feel insecure and the DC in question become very clingy to their mother and very dismissive of their father. It is always boys. A friend of mine has a 3 year old and she stopped breastfeeding him at 6 months but her DS is saying the same things like "I hate daddy" & "I only want mummy".
I think it's a normal developmental process, are you aware of the Oedipus complex?

zzzzz · 15/01/2018 01:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerspicaciaTick · 15/01/2018 01:20

Between the ages of 2 and 4, my DS would literally away run screaming "No daddy, no daddy, go away daddy" every single day when DH came home from work. It was wearing and DH was really upset about it (because it went on and on and it isn't nice when someone you love very much acts like they hate you).

Then one day DS gave him a big hug when he got home and things have been fine ever since. I have no idea what DS thought he was doing, why he was doing it or what made him stop and he thinks it is funny now as he can't remember doing it.

Toddlers can be very, very odd. However your DH is the adult and needs to be calm and patient...maybe trying less shouting would be good as is the advice to model the behaviour you want to see.

BrendaUmbrella · 15/01/2018 01:26

It will probably help to put boundaries in place too. Your ds is not going to stop coming to you for feeding at night especially if he gets to sleep with you, to him that's a much better deal than sleeping alone in his bed! But he's two and it's about time you got your nights back. Start putting your foot down.

PastaOfMuppets · 15/01/2018 01:57

Do you think your DH's 'snapping' is ok and something you should work around? Or do you think it's DH's fault your DS said this, and DH should change?

Why have you asked a forum for suggestions instead of putting your foot down long ago with DH about his temper?

Northernparent68 · 15/01/2018 03:42

Are all the posters who are so critical of the op husband saying they have never snapped at their children, really ?

derangedmermaid · 15/01/2018 03:45

@Northernparent68

No, not for the reasons the Op has stated. Snapping is very different from fully shouting at a two year old.

TheLegendOfBeans · 15/01/2018 04:45

@NorthernParent68

I completely agree that some of the responses on here are ridiculous.

My 2 yo slaps me she gets shouted at by me.
When she slaps daddy she gets shouted at by daddy.
She slaps her baby brother, one of us will shout at her.
It’s “DO NOT SLAP ME/YOUR BROTHER” and instant removal of DD from the offending situation.

Shouting is justified - at times. And always always better than slapping, there is never need for that. But we shout only briefly (so that she will get it, no reading the riot act) and reflectively (DO NOT SLAP/BITE/HIT) so she knows the “crime”.

My DD also is going through a phase of saying “Mummy/Daddy/Baby sad”. Also “sorry Mummy/Daddy/Baby”. She’s learning emotions and as we don’t live in a “sad” house I’m not worried.

Having said that; if your DH is a skittish, shouty man prone to explosive reactions about this that and the other he needs to wind it in.

Only you know - and unless you’ve had an abusive childhood - you will know if he’s going at it too much.

Ps: is DS in Nursery? Talk to them about what he said and see if it’s been mentioned by him there.

Original poster
ElephantsYeah · 15/01/2018 07:18

I think it's maybe less of an issue than I first thought. They're playing quite happily together right now... I have asked dh if we can chat about it tonight after ds goes to bed. Thanks again for all the comments and supportive suggestions. I had a pretty bad night, worrying.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 15/01/2018 08:18

So when your son breastfeeds, your husband has to leave the room, and that puts him in a bad enough mood that your son picks up on it? So your son knows that his breastfeeding puts daddy in a bad mood?

Personally I can't see the point of organising it so that you are both woken up every time your son breastfeeds, but the main point here is, what on earth is your husband thinking, being outwardly angry with his son for eating?

derangedmermaid · 15/01/2018 10:02

@TheLegendOfBeans

Your child keeps slapping people and you shout at her and she keeps slapping.

Doesn't that tell you something? HmmI mean, enough research into the effects of hitting/shouting at small children has gone on to show it is completely ineffective as any form of discipline and it only teaches a child that shouting and violent outbursts are ok.

The OP has listed reasons for her OH to shout at her child. None of them are legitimate reasons.

TheLegendOfBeans · 15/01/2018 10:53

So tell me what you did when your 2 year old was acting out then @derangedmermaid

Please - and that’s not me goading

Greensleeves · 15/01/2018 10:56

That's lovely to hear that they're playing together OP Flowers

It takes more than a snappy cross moment to break a good bond. Hopefully your dh will take this as a reminder to mind his tone and be a bit gentler from now on.

TheLegendOfBeans · 15/01/2018 15:11

Just a little update - my 2yo DD just threw a small hard plastic toy at 13w DS catching him right in the eye and making him scream in pain

Please could @derangedmermaid advise on what to do in such a situation - remember, no shouting!

ravenmum · 15/01/2018 15:13

Legend, personally I'd pick her up, say "No throwing toys, it hurts!" in a firm voice that showed I was not happy with her, and take her away from the scene. If she did this oten I'd tell her "Sit in the hall until you have stopped throwing toys".

MrsBertBibby · 15/01/2018 15:15

Why? Do you think having a good shout at your toddler will improve matters?

ravenmum · 15/01/2018 15:25

I think the idea is that you shout loudly to scare them, so they are too scared to do anything too lively when they are near you.

WhiteCat1704 · 15/01/2018 15:33

Bloody hell..we are human, toddlers are bloody hard work and would test patience of a saint..I don't belive parents who claim to NEVER shout at a misbehaving 2 year old.

OP your set up is a bit unfair towards your DH. Why is he leaving his own bed when DS feels like it?

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