Early red flags when dating someone...

[GinandShambles]

I need some help. I recently started dating someone who I really quite like, but there are a couple of things he has told me about his past relationships (about the way he used to act in them) which have me questioning things.

What are the warning signs? I feel like I should trust my instincts on this one, but want to make sure my reaction wouldn't be out of proportion to the situation.

Sorry for the vagueness. I've been forced to Namechange....

There's a famous quote along the lines of 'When someone tells you who they are, believe them.' I think it's good advice.

Plus add a bit to what he told you. How recent are the past relationships? If someone told me they made sone mistakes in late teens i wouldn't be bothered but if they had done it more recently then I would.

There are tonnes of warning signs. I think you’ll need to give some examples for useful responses.

I think the fact that you are questionning this so early on in the relationship sounds enough of a red flag.

I feel like I should trust my instincts on this one, but want to make sure my reaction wouldn't be out of proportion to the situation.
Disproportional according to who? You dont owe him anything. If youre feeling uneasy then thats a pretty good reason to stop seeing someone.

Agree with ragwort

What are the things he has described doing OP?

How did this even come up in conversation? In the early stages of dating why on earth would anyone bring up their own past relationships and bad behaviour?

Is he testing your reaction, to see if you think that kind of behaviour is acceptable?

What do you mean strong shame reaction?

If you've labelled them as red flags OP they most certainly are. Uneasy isn't a place you want to be so tell him to go

What is a: 'strong shame reaction ' pls

Worst one i had and ignored was a man right on the first date telling me 'you may have heard some rumours about me getting violent with my ex but i want you to know that i would never do that she just had mental health problems and made these things up to hurt me'

Yes he did go on to beat the crap out of me when drunk.

Negative or disrespectful remarks about women, particularly ex partners or family members.
Road rage

look at their relationship with their mother. It will speak volumes about how they view women.

Related to that one, what do people think about looking at the way their father treats/treated their mother? I've been wondering if this is something to watch for too? (based on my stbxdh)

walkingtowork I think its something to look at and be aware of but not always completely a red flag. Often when men are violent there has been violence from their father to their mother but I dont think that every man who has had a violent father will go on to be violent to women themselves. It is something to take into account though to tally up with any other info. If the bigger picture looks bad then it can be a red flag.

How does he describe/treat his exes? How does he describe/treat his mother?

For me:

Rude or mean to anyone working in the service industry

Is uncomfortable with you having friends of the opposite sex.

Refuses to even offer to buy a round of drinks.

Wants to know where you are all the time.

Questions or shows an early dislike of your friends

Jealousy

Overt expressions of love or expensive gifts early on.

I think there are men who feel obliged to self disclose how evolved they have become. They have to find a way of explaining past bad behaviour, and do so in a way that gives the impression they have learned from past 'mistakes' but abuse is not an unintended consequence of a non-evolved man who made mistakes. No one mistakenly abuses others. Self disclosure is nearly always motivated by trying to gain acceptance from others. So you become an alliance, you validate them and their view of themselves. Of course should they repeat their past 'mistakes' they feel justified in blaming you.

I think the biggest rescue flag at the start of a relationship is the wanting to know where you are constantly. Added to that overtexting, badges up as “just seeing how you are” when the reality is very sinister & controlling.

I apologise. I am still here, but need to be cautious about what I put on here, as he has mentioned accessing Mumsnet.

He mentioned that a one of his ex's said he was emotionally abusive towards her. He described being shocked by the revelation but accepted her feelings as valid and made an effort to change.

Since posting this there has been a huge instance of jealousy when we were out. I can't say much else as this is already rather outing, but it wasn't pretty.

Thank you all for your examples. I have some thinking to do I feel.

Dump him.

Imagine feeling stressed anytime you go out incase a man dares to speak to you, or if you dare to smile at a waiter etc

Sounds to be like his blaming his ex, minimising his actions and taking no responsibility himself. Typical of someone with narcissistic traits and an emotional abuser. I wouldn't wait around to find out if it's true.

With regards to how he describes his Ex's, he always describes them fairly and diplomatically. Admits that he was definitely not perfect. He seems to have a lot of respect for them and him and his ex wife in particular have a good relationship (They have two DC's together).