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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Early red flags when dating someone...

92 replies

GinandShambles · 26/11/2017 18:04

I need some help. I recently started dating someone who I really quite like, but there are a couple of things he has told me about his past relationships (about the way he used to act in them) which have me questioning things.

What are the warning signs? I feel like I should trust my instincts on this one, but want to make sure my reaction wouldn't be out of proportion to the situation.

Sorry for the vagueness. I've been forced to Namechange....

OP posts:
Runlovingmummy81 · 08/12/2017 16:44

Which bits concern you then? How recent is recent? Have you seen evidence of how amicable the relationship is with his ex?

rollingonariver · 08/12/2017 16:47

If their father's a tosser. I remember my exes father said things like 'if you do things half arsed then they won't ask you to do it again' it was all a hilarious joke but really it meant he expected exes mum to do everything and ex ended up being a lazy fuck too.
Saying that my DP's Dad was a piece of shit - name something abusive and he did it - and my DP is fantastic!

ariellarose · 08/12/2017 16:49

Dump him.

The 'huge instance of jealousy' is the red flag you've been looking for.

You're looking closely for a red flag because your instincts are telling you there's something not right about him. Please listen to your intuition.

DevilScope · 08/12/2017 16:50

Yeah, exactly what pp’s have said about intentionally disclosing vulnerabilities in a very “calculated” way - it’s like now you’re expected to be sympathetic and “on side” because he’s “admitted everything” and you need to reward him for confessing to being emotionally abusive Hmm

I do think some abusers ARE stuck that way (often they are repeating childhood patterns ) and maybe do “wish they were different”, and “wish they could change”.

A lot of very unpleasant, aggressive people LOVE analysing themselves and apologising and handwringing and going to support groups and reading self help books and going to religious meetings and “being honest” and wanting to have continuing interactions with all the people they have abused.

That they ALSO destroy other people’s lives is also a fact. Stay out of their drama!

would you accept a rabid dog into your home because it’s not the dogs fault it got rabies and it really wants to be like other healthy dogs?

Blackbutler86 · 08/12/2017 16:56

If you go to meet his family see how he treats them and how they are with him. My partners parents seem a bit nervous of him, it's hard to explain but something just seemed off and they seemed to be careful about what they said to him. I stupidly ignored it and let him move in with me which is the biggest regret of my life. He's a horrible horrible man and when I look back there were other signs some of which PanGalactic listed but I didn't really notice because I had fallen for his charms. Trust your instincts!

Lottapianos · 08/12/2017 16:59

I was going to post to tell you to trust your instincts and chuck him, but the 'huge instance of jealousy' means my advice has changed to RUN AWAY FAST. Save yourself years of headache and heartache and potential physical danger. This is no time to be giving him the benefit of the doubt. Put yourself first

expatinscotland · 08/12/2017 17:05

What Ragwort said. Your gut is always right. If you're questioning it now, it's a BIG red flag.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/12/2017 17:06

Why did he and ex-wife split up?

Agree that the jealousy thing this early on would have me heading for the hills...

woofmiaowwoof · 08/12/2017 17:07

I’m not sure I’d set much store by self reports of the great relationship he has with his ex - have you seen this first hand?

Custody is hard to limit for ea as it’s so hard to prove conclusively.

One abuser I knew quite well told everyone his divorce was totally amicable and his divorce was just one of those things - he red flag was how he went to great lengths to inform everyone about how fine it all was. His ex was merely trying to be dignified for the dc, he was a vile person.

If your gut isn’t in it, trust it.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 08/12/2017 17:11

For me:

Slagging off the ex a lot. Specifically using words like psycho, mad and crazy.

At the same telling you what they did in bed together. Telling you what he likes in bed- fine. Telling you what they did and more to the point, what she did not fine. It’s often used as stick to beat you with especially if you don’t want to do that.

Being nasty to those in the service industry- retail, bar staff, waiters.

Derogatory comments about other people’s size/looks/accent/job. Same with service staff it’s just not nice.

Not liking your friends/family like any of them.

There’s loads more I’ll think of I’m sure!

hattyhighlighter · 08/12/2017 17:12

I really get the sense you're nervous of posting on here and wonder if you think that
a) he will check up on you and
b)if he finds your post he will be angry.

If so then that in itself is all the red flag you need. But you don't need one anyway because of the jealousy thing. I'd say not only leave but also really take some time to reset your boundaries and make sure your self esteem is rock solid afterwards.

bibliomania · 08/12/2017 17:14

Jealousy is a really bad sign. He's making you feel uncomfortable. Give this one a body-swerve.

Amatree · 08/12/2017 17:16

What is there to think about...?

1190scaredy · 08/12/2017 17:16

There are subtle flags that I've found with hindsight. Like someone never had a committed relationship - I thought at the time it was a good thing. It wasn't. But jealousy is a bad sign. I would back off. Trust you're instincts.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 08/12/2017 17:27

You’re worried he finds out you’re talking about him here? Because he will be angry?

If so, that’s your red flag. Get rid of him now. Any particular reason he uses MN by the way? I mean does he use it as a parenting forum to gain advice and information? Or to spy?

expatinscotland · 08/12/2017 17:35

Get rid now! And stop dating at all until you do the Freedom Programme. You have poor boundaries and need to work on spotting abusive men.

expatinscotland · 08/12/2017 17:37

'I apologise. I am still here, but need to be cautious about what I put on here, as he has mentioned accessing Mumsnet.'

You have NO reason to be cautious. You owe him nothing. You don't know him. He's giving you CLEAR signs that he is abusive.

lilybetsy · 08/12/2017 18:44

In itself being worried is a red flag. Worrying that he might see something you post on an anonymous internet forum (and be angry) is a HUGE bloody scarlet banner

Please, do yourself a favour. Dump. Now

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 08/12/2017 19:07

Since posting this there has been a huge instance of jealousy when we were out. I can't say much else as this is already rather outing, but it wasn't pretty

You've only been dating a while (so he should still be at the minding his Ps and Qs stage) and, believe me, you really don't want a relationship with a jealous man. I'd get rid now before you find yourself too emotionally involved with him.

ILikTheBred · 08/12/2017 19:08

This article is worth a read OP:

Warning signs

GottadoitGottadoit · 08/12/2017 19:27

If you're posting about a relationship early on, that is bad enough. But if you're fretting about hiding from him on Mumsnet then yes. He's a tosser.

DoorNumberOne · 08/12/2017 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Apileofballyhoo · 08/12/2017 21:14

Run.

laudanum · 08/12/2017 21:14

Run faaaaaaar away from that.

laudanum · 08/12/2017 21:17

PLEASE read this.

I meant to put it in my previous reply but forgot.

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