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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Early red flags when dating someone...

92 replies

GinandShambles · 26/11/2017 18:04

I need some help. I recently started dating someone who I really quite like, but there are a couple of things he has told me about his past relationships (about the way he used to act in them) which have me questioning things.

What are the warning signs? I feel like I should trust my instincts on this one, but want to make sure my reaction wouldn't be out of proportion to the situation.

Sorry for the vagueness. I've been forced to Namechange....

OP posts:
DoorNumberOne · 08/12/2017 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squaresandsquares · 09/12/2017 04:00

That list is amazing. Can it please be top post like the other relationship one

squaresandsquares · 09/12/2017 04:00

That list is amazing. Can it please be top post like the other relationship one

MistressDeeCee · 09/12/2017 04:18

Unshakable deal breakers for me -
Says "my ex was crazy"

Talks about ex in early relationship stage

Speaks as if he's always Mr Perfect Saint in a relationship - yet strangely despite being God's gift has never managed to remain in and maintain relationship, or you wouldn't have met him

Has DCs from previous relationship that he doesn't see

Has DCs from previous relationship that he does see, but talks about them 24/7, makes clear you will have to be "good enough" before meeting them (all said as if you're on trial or even auditioning for stepmother role, which actually you may not be) coupled with either (a) speaking in derogatory way about DCs mother or (b) Letting you know, she him & DCs= family time together on days he sees DCs,hence you cannot/aren't allowed to contact him via text/phone

Any history of violence towards a woman, especially if he tries to justify it

Has several children by different women

Speaks of women in dismissive way

But generally if you have misgivings it's best to get out. Love goggles have been the cause of many a heartbreak, when intuition followed would have saved all that

MistressDeeCee · 09/12/2017 04:22

& possessiveness and jealousy goes without saying. You need to bail out. It's a recipe for disaster and often the 1st step in exerting control over someone including moving on to restricting who you talk to and where you go, having you walking on eggshells trying not to spark off jealous rages. Nightmare life personified

TheLegendOfBeans · 09/12/2017 04:26

He mentioned that a one of his ex's said he was emotionally abusive towards her. He described being shocked by the revelation but accepted her feelings as valid and made an effort to change

WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, LISTEN

now rinse & repeat 1000 times

and dump him. Life really really really is too short.

laudanum · 09/12/2017 06:55

DoorNumberOne, squaresandsquares: I wish I'd had access to that list when i was much younger, if i knew then what i knew now - cliche I know, but god it might have saved me some heartache and a lot of physical and psychological pain.

bluescreen · 09/12/2017 07:15

Yikes.
A huge instance of jealousy.
Your need to post on MN.
Your fear of being discovered on MN.

Run! Run! Run!

Please, take care and run!

MB625222 · 09/12/2017 07:23

Huge issue of jealousy is a massive red flag.

Others include

Endless texting/calls
Declarations of love too early
Love bombing with compliments all the time.

Do not ignore it. He probably was abusive but he doesn't see it.

Dump.

fantasmasgoria1 · 09/12/2017 12:25

People say on here a red flag is saying ex’s are controlling etc my exes were controlling, violent and nasty. My fiancé asked me about them so I told him! I gave him facts I don’t see how that is s red flag. Equally he told me about him emotionally abusive and controlling ex wife ( from a few years ago) again factual information. We wanted to be honest about Things and he described a couple of other exes quite innocuously as Just not for him didn’t dis them or anything!

BrownBreadSliced · 09/12/2017 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fantasmasgoria1 · 09/12/2017 16:46

Well we were just honest and factual and that was it! Like I said other exes he spoke about he just said they didn’t work out eg due to nothing in common! His ex sil told me he is too soft and lovey dovey when we got together give me that any day of the week!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 09/12/2017 19:17

A warning sign doesn't always mean you must end the relationship, but it is a warning to look/tread carefully.

Some people genuinely do have a "crazy ex" - there are some unstable people about and they do end up as other people's exs, however, it is something that abusive men often claim about their perfectly sane ex, to make any negative things you hear their ex saying about them seem less believable.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 09/12/2017 19:21

Op, this bloke is already embarrassing you and making you curtail your behaviour due to his. That's enough to end it.

It doesn't need to be "bad enough" to end a relationship. Frankly, it's completely acceptable to end a relationship with a wonderfully perfect person if you just don't want to carry on. He has no right to your time or energy if you don't want to give it. Given what you've said already, it's unlikely to last long term, so why bother now?

lanbro · 09/12/2017 19:33

Oh my god, end it now. I wish I had known 8 years ago what I know now...love bombing, crazy ex, insane jealousy, controlling behaviour. He doesn't understand why I have left him still

Offred · 09/12/2017 19:44

That ‘when someone tells you who they are believe them’ thing is Maya Angelou and she expanded on it by adding ‘the very first time. Don’t let it get to the 27th time before you start complaining’

BrownBreadSliced · 09/12/2017 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trojanpony · 09/12/2017 21:55

Trust your instincts and RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

This guy has red flags all over him

Original poster
GinandShambles · 10/12/2017 09:14

Thank you all. I know what I have to do now.

I’m going to do it later today. He kicked off about me not wanting to discuss something from my marriage last night (I was having a bad day and didn’t want to think about it). Even when I started crying he would not back off about it.

It is time.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 10/12/2017 09:34

Oh God yes you need to dump him now.

CR7987 · 10/12/2017 10:53

Stay strong and make sure you follow it through. These type of men are very good at putting the tears on and begging for another chsnce

expatinscotland · 10/12/2017 10:56

And remember, you owe him nothing. You can break up with him by text, by personal message, by ghosting. You don't owe him face-to-face or explanations or justifications, in fact, don't engage because he'll talk you out of it because he doesn't respect anyone's boundaries but his own. He is classically emotionally abusive. PLEASE just get rid and then block, just block him on everything and do not date again until you've done Freedom programme.

Original poster
GinandShambles · 10/12/2017 11:31

Thank you all so much. I've not done it yet as ExH is over with the kids for a little while.

I am looking into the freedom programme now. I have heard it mentioned here before but had no need to actually look into it.

Feel so crap. How did I get myself into this stupid fucking mess.

expat I needed to hear this. It is easy to forget that, actually, I don't owe him anything at all. Flowers

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/12/2017 11:42

Just text him and then block. Do not engage with him, because you don't owe him a justification. 'This relationship is no longer working for me, so I am ending it. Please do not contact me any further as I wish to move on.' And that's IT. No, 'x' or 'sorry' or any reason why. It's none of his business. There's no need for drama or drawing it out. If he knows where you live and shows up at your door, don't open it! 'We split. You need to leave,' and call the police if he won't take no for an answer (because from your last post, he doesn't take no for an answer from you).

The Freedom Programme will help you set up boundaries and spot reg flags, as well as some of the excellent links on here.

GottadoitGottadoit · 10/12/2017 15:01

Don’t beat yourself up about it, it’s not a massive mess. You just started dating someone and then recognised that they weren’t right for you. What’s so bad about that?