DP not happy about financial setup

[fluffycuddlez]

We were coming back from a lovely day out last night and he made a remark about how it's too bad he's broke and it'll be a while till we can do this again. After talking about it a bit more it emerged he thinks that since I earn more than him I could also contribute more to days out, vacations etc.

He lives in my house (bought years before we met) and pays no rent or mortgage, we split the bills. Not married and no children. We're both self-employed in the same field but I make several times more than him, depending on the month. We've been together for almost 6 years (living together for 5ish) and we've always gone 50-50 on everything (although I do go over 50% often, unlike him). Not married and no children.

Am I being unkind here? Should I be spending accordingly to what I make instead of just half? He's never said anything before and I always thought our setup was more than fair but now I don't know...

Why is it fair for your long term DP to be broke?

001 he already lives rent free with the OP. Perhaps he needs to focus on earning more.

Of course it's fair. I can't see how any self respecting person could feel OK about living rent free and still expect subsidies. What planet is he on?

Sounds fair to me. More than fair if he lives rent free.

So, you'd all be perfectly happy to have no money at the end of the month, whilst your long term partner has plenty?

Is your house mortgage-free, or do you pay all these mortgage?

If is the former, I think you are being a little unfair... If it's the latter, he is.

Could you both contribute the same percentage each month into a social fund to use when needed.

So say you both put 10% in, you would be contributing more but you both would be spending a fair cut if your monthly income on social events and days out.

I’d like to know what else he spends his money on, if he pays no rent/mortgage?

001 she's already subsidising him by paying all the rent / mortgage. How much more should she sub him?
They do the same job but she earns masses more. Clearly he has the potential to earn more too.

OK. Interesting.

I'm intrigued, would it make any difference if they were married?

Would it be OK, for example, if DP was earning (let's say) £100k, and OP £20k, and OP was broke by the end of the month, and DP turned around and said "suck it up, you live tent free in my house?"

He needs to start paying rent as well. his finances are his own business don't start adding more when he should actually be paying more money to you

It depends. Why is he earning less. Has he been in the field less time and will get to equal earnings eventually?

When you say you split the bills. Does that include the mortgage?

If you say he earns less is there a reason...health part time etc?

How much money does he have left after bills etc.

You aren't married so its slightly different. In a marrage i think all monet shoukd be equally shared.

I you got pregnant and wanted maternity leave would you expect him to fund you?

There's the complete opposite of this thread on aibu where the op is the one who doesnt pay rent and is complaining about going 50:50 on everything.

It's not clear, is the house paid for or on a mortgage?

It's very interesting that there is an almost exactly similar post in AIBU except ty roles are reversed: the male earns the most and she lives mortgage free in his home.

The majority of the posters imply the high earner is in the wrong, he's not very generous, they wouldn't be with him, of course he should pay more towards activities and meals out etc etc

It fascinates me how different the responses are in threads like this dependent on which sex is in which role.

I think there comes a point in a relationship where you need to agree to be a couple.

I'd hate to be in a very unbalanced finacial relationship. 50:50 is perfectly fair and fine for a casual relationship. But anything more needs to be respectful to both partners. So the high earner doesnt feel they are being taken the piss out of and the low earner doesnt start to resent the high earner or feel unequal.

My answer would be the same regardless of gender.

This is exactly the same as a thread I've posted on today but the sexes are reversed.

I think you should be a bit more generous really.

Queen I was thinking the exact same thing.

Just read another thread like this but the mans earning more, his house and woman thinks he said pay more than 50-50 for treats etc

YABU, imagine if there was a thread where the wife earns very little, the husband earns a lot. Imagine the wife goes without new things but the husband splashed out on himself all the time. It’s not as simple as saying, well she can get a better job. Maybe she’s not qualified, maybe she’s not as confident, if everyone could just “go out and earn more” they would!
If you love your partner OP, if you really are a team, you will see it from his point of view. Work out the bills on percentage of wages because they way you are doing it is going to breed resentment which isn’t conducive to a long, happy relationship.

Naughty but the other thread was first before this one.

for me it would depend on how committed i was (6 years implies some degree of commitment? but no marriage ?? why is that (if that's what you're after?)

it would also depend on why he earned so much less and what he was doing to address earning disparity? If he's working less then that's fine, as long as he then doesn't start bitching about the money he's not making- if this is his 'limit' with the skills he has then there's not a lot you can do about it is there?

I personally wouldn't want to be living the high life while my partner was on his arse- and wouldn't expect him to be either.I also wouldn't be contributing to a mortgage that I had no stake in and no guarantee of getting one.

Sorry I don't know how to quote and reply on here.

He's not always broke, he's had some unexpected bills lately but otherwise he's fine. He just doesn't make near enough to always go on vacations or nice restaurants etc that I can easily afford.

House is a mortgage, he's never paid a cent into it, the only thing he pays is half the bills. He can't really make more money than he already does, while we do work in the same field my sub-section is much more niche and tougher to make money from, very few manage to. He tried for a few years and gave up eventually. What he does is far less lucrative but safer and more stable .

He also said that if he was making my kind of money he wouldn't think twice about treating me all the time.

I think you are being ungenerous. Me and my Dh are married with children now, and all money is shared.
When we were living together before children, I had a professional public sector job, and he earned several times my wage. We were still a couple, so I would pay within my means, and he within his. For example, we had holidays I couldnt have afforded. He simply paid the flights etc. If he hadn't done this, I can't see how the relationship could have worked? I can see that some people would find this difficult, in which case they would have to find someone who earned roughly similar to them??
In my previous long term relationship we earned the same, so no problem.
Do you only do things he can afford on his wage? Do you go off on holidays/meals out without him? If so, I don't think it will work in the long term. If you are truly committed to a long term partnership, that surely has to include your finances?