DP not happy about financial setup

[fluffycuddlez]

We were coming back from a lovely day out last night and he made a remark about how it's too bad he's broke and it'll be a while till we can do this again. After talking about it a bit more it emerged he thinks that since I earn more than him I could also contribute more to days out, vacations etc.

He lives in my house (bought years before we met) and pays no rent or mortgage, we split the bills. Not married and no children. We're both self-employed in the same field but I make several times more than him, depending on the month. We've been together for almost 6 years (living together for 5ish) and we've always gone 50-50 on everything (although I do go over 50% often, unlike him). Not married and no children.

Am I being unkind here? Should I be spending accordingly to what I make instead of just half? He's never said anything before and I always thought our setup was more than fair but now I don't know...

That's a really good point you make anandale because on the face of it, split all outgoing proportionally seems like it's the answer. But as you rightly point out, it doesn't quite work like that.

Me and my partner both work together, doing the same role and he earns more than me, he is 8 years older so has more experience.

We live together in his house and I rent my flat out so a slightly different situation. Before I moved in everything like holidays was split 50/50 but he would pay for more meals out etc but I would definitely pay my fair share. Now we live together we have a joint budget, working out all of the bills, putting an amount into joint savings and then have equal "fun money" left over each month.

We are both happy with this arrangement and neither of us can complain what the other is spending their money on. I'm a saver so squirrel mine away, where he tends to spend all of his each month.

Would a joint budget not resolve all of your problems?

Kanga59

I must admit to be a little lazy and have not read all this thread. There is another thread on mumsnet at the moment but the other way around. Woman not contributing to mortgage and splitting bills with partner who earns more money. He has more disposable income yet expects her to pay of bills when going out. Most posters are very sympathetic towards her but it's interesting that it doesn't seem to be the same on this thread towards the man?

I think if you’re committed partners sharing a life, then you should have a similar amount of spending money, when everything else is paid for. Otherwise, you’re more like mates than a committed couple.

Seems like the setup wasn't working as it's intended. I've always been a huge advocate for percentage split structure, it really works unless you use it for things like lol roll.

A week out in France will absolutely curb the lower earner - he should've paid for it out of his pay packet, or at the very least use savings.

It's the implementation of it which went wrong.

I earn about twice that Of my dp. We live in my house which is mortgaged. I pay the mortgage and all the bills. He pays for all the food and any ‘luxuries’, such as weekends away, holidays, fun stuff.

This works for us as he’s living tent free. So he pays for the ‘other’ stuff.

I have 2 dc so I pay their childcare but he pays for their hobbies, trampolining once a week and brownies.

Even on minimum wage he shouldn't be skint if all he's paying is 50 percent of bills. He needs to either bring more in or look at where he's wasting it. You do not have to feel guilty OP and the balance is more than addressed by him not paying you rent.

If you;d been together for 6 months I’d say no, but 5 years? Do you plan to stay together forever? I really think you need to move towards a more sharing arrangement - assuming you don’t think he’s dodging work or earning less simply because he can sponge off you.

I'm with your DP. After 6 years of living together, either you are a couple or you are not.

FWIW in our relationship I'm the higher earner, DH earns pennies but we are a team. Yes, he's moved into a house I bought and I doubt he'll ever contribute a fiver to the mortgage or pay a bill. When we retire, it'll be my pension we are living on. By some Mumsnetters standards he'd be a cocklodger. But he does his work, I do mine and I find his emotional support and love invaluable.

So it is shared finances. We go on holiday when we can afford it, not one or the other. Ditto going out. We don't divvy up equal spends as neither of us spends much anyway but big spends would be discussed as a couple.

I won't deny, this was initially hard for me to get my head round. But at others have said, at some point either you are a couple or you aren't.

From your DP's perspective, you aren't. I think you should reconsideer finances and if you are really with him for the long term think about marriage, or how you are going to secure his financial future.

See I'm in a similar situation, been with dp nearly six years, not married no kids, live in a flat he solely owns. Difference is our earnings, he earns more than me but only by a little bit. He's had his flat for a long time and has a low mortgage. I pay half of bills and council tax and tend to buy more food and house stuff etc but I don't pay half of the mortgage as its his name only and I've got less rights technically than a tenant, so he can ask me to leave any time. We're both happy with this set up for the time being!

Why would you value someone based on what their employer values them at? Their value at work has no relevance to their value to you

Either they are an equal in your partnership or they aren’t?

I could never imagine being happy to see my dh with far less spending power than I have as its selfish.

When we got together I earned 6x what he did and saw our earnings and expenditure as pooled. Now it’s the opposite way around and it’s still normal for us to have equal disposable income. When my investments come to fruition we’ll have £100,000’s suddenly which will be ours too.

I can’t understand how somebody could be happy with their partner having less than they do? Either you’re equal partners or you are not!

From my point of view it depends how much effort they put in. In my situation if my ExP had been a full time low paid worker, but worked full time and earned £a, and I earned £10a for full time too I would have had no problem with that. He chose to do a craft job, part time as he was lazy, didn't want to work for an employer as he would be told what to do. That was the problem there. I was in another relationship before where I earned 3x times my partner and we put into a joint pot , were left with equal spending money, and I paid for most - that was fine with me as he worked full time same as me but just had a lower salary.
Only OP will know which situation this is.

Not necessarily same as other posts with swapped sexes, because who normally gets stuck with majority of housework and wife work? OP - do you do most of housework, organising, thinking etc - this can build up resentment too if you're being his mother .

Well, like most feminists I'm humourless 1Dad, so I'll bite - why are you posting the exact opposite of what I wrote and attaching my name as if I'll approve?

If this man is a cocklodger then all the women that come here to complain that their partners are asking them to pay 50/50 despite differences income are total vaglodgers.

In a long term relationship all joint costs (inc rent or mortgage) should come out of a joint account where each pays in a % based on income. After that things like savings, holiday funds etc can be negotiated.

And I am intrigued to see so many say he should get a better paid job. Good to know that seems to be Mumsnet advice for low earning women in relationships as well?

How different is
50% of bills + mortgage
from
your part of (bills+mortgage) if you both paid according to the ratio of your incomes. eg: if you earn 3 times as much as him then you pay 75% of all costs and he pays 25%.

Back in the day, before dc, dh then to be, lived in my house and I was far the greater earner. We stuck money in the joint account to pay the bills in proportion to our earnings and kept the rest. I did used to treat him though, because I loved him and could afford to. Holidays, nights out, Xbox etc. In the years since it's gone back and forth who earned most. Both of us have had periods of not working. We just have one account now we are married and everything goes in that. Big purchases are discussed otherwise we just go with the flow.

I agree May50. It depends on what else is going on in the relationship

If you're married, have dc together or the one who earns less does more of the housework etc then it's a joint pot.

If I was your oh I'd look to getting my own property and renting it out, so I'd have an asset.

It depends how strong the relationship is. If you are both 100% committed to a long term future then money should be pooled IMO so neither is more or less off than the other, regardless of how each other’s earnings could change in the future. My DH and I pooled finances very early on when we first moved in together. I was in debt and basically couldn’t pay half of the bills as I didn’t earn enough. The debt became ‘ours’ to pay off. 12 years later I earn more than him and the pretty hefty bonus from my employer last year was given as a gift to his parents who were struggling with a legal issue at the time. It never crossed my mind who earned it until just now.

I think there are definitely mixed responses on that other thread and lots of posters calling out the op.

When me and now hubby got together I had just sold my house and had £117K but was going to move into rented until I decided where to buy...he had his own house with a mortgage....I moved in to his house and payed half of mortgage and bills. We decided to move to a different area and while he was trying to sell his house I paid for 9 months rental and all bills. When he fold his house we bought house together and both worked full time and split everything 50/50. He was working from home and we got 2 dogs which was fine. He started up his own business and started to work long hours each day different hours and different jobs in the south west of England so no continuity as far as where he would be....prob then with dog care as I was working full time and could not commit to getting home during the day. Therefore I gave up full time work and found part time work so I could take over dog responsibilities ...2 large dogs lots of dog walking etc...part time job minimum wage therefore he took over all bills and mortgage and I paid for food and household stuff. Part time job was okay but relied on a member of staff to come in at lunchtime for cover so I could come home and let dogs out....she kept phoning in sick....so fed up hubby said leave job...therefore now at home looking for another job just mornings or afternoons so can still look after dogs etc. at present hubby pays for everything....I do all dog stuff, housework, gardening, decorating, food shopping. He has his own business and is doing really well and because I am at home he is free to work whatever hours he has to and has no responsibilities at home apart from paying bills. It is working out okay...we are a team so we both have a certain role to play. He pays into my bank account a certain amount of money to cover running my car, mobile phone, shopping etc and if I need more I just ask this will be temporary until I can find another job that fits in. Because he will always be the much higher earner in the marriage I will always have to work around him and the dogs and that's just the way it is. The only thing is he will have a lovely big pension and I will have the state pension and having looked into it I won't even get the full amount so will prob have to work part time to top it up where as hubby is looking to retire early. He says he will look after me and not to worry but who knows I just have to trust him.

why has he never contributed to the mortgage? Your choice or his? I find this hard to call. He is not paying for the roof over his head, but is paying for the bills, so already is contributing less in this relationship, but feels hard done by because his disbosable income is still less. I like the idea of a join account which you both contribute an equal percentage to, but not an equal amount, if you want to keep paying the house independently, then this is t an issue, either you can both afford it from the joint fund, or not at all.

The higher earner should pay more, as a percentage, of their income on joint costs than the lower earner - it's just like the tax system. No one argues that we should abolish the higher rate of income tax, because that is fair. In a relationship if a couple each pay the same towards outgoings they are limiting themselves to the standard of living of a couple both earning the same as the lowest earner. The top slice of the top earning partner is sitting around with nothing to spend it on apart from selfish pursuits, otherwise.

I think that if I could easily afford to pick up the bill for things like restaurants and holidays I would do so. Seems mean spirited not to offer. When I have had more than dp I have paid for holidays no question.