DP not happy about financial setup

[fluffycuddlez]

We were coming back from a lovely day out last night and he made a remark about how it's too bad he's broke and it'll be a while till we can do this again. After talking about it a bit more it emerged he thinks that since I earn more than him I could also contribute more to days out, vacations etc.

He lives in my house (bought years before we met) and pays no rent or mortgage, we split the bills. Not married and no children. We're both self-employed in the same field but I make several times more than him, depending on the month. We've been together for almost 6 years (living together for 5ish) and we've always gone 50-50 on everything (although I do go over 50% often, unlike him). Not married and no children.

Am I being unkind here? Should I be spending accordingly to what I make instead of just half? He's never said anything before and I always thought our setup was more than fair but now I don't know...

But you are treating him- he has no housing costs! He sounds like a cocklodger. I think his business cannot be viable.

It's easy for him to say he would treat you. Guilt trip right there.

Have you pointed out that you do support him by subsidising his living costs?

And with no children involved I'd be saying the same regardless of gender.

If you weren't paying a mortgage, I think I'd agree that you were being unfair. But as you're paying significantly more of your joint living costs, I think he is being unfair.

I hope that you pointed out to him that you're doing all that!

But - I think it also depends on just how much more you're earning than him, as well as how much you consider this to be a true (and long term) partnership.

I think if I was in your situation, from what you've posted, and you think he's genuine - not a cocklodger - then I'd probably not be so rigid in terms of splitting everything 50:50.

But it does all depend on the actual circumstances ...

I used to earn a lot more than DH and always paid more than half. He has Noe caught up with me send we mostly pay half each.

I'm a feminist, and it quite important to me to put my money where my mouth is. I was proud to support him when I earned more.

I think you do need to discuss this in detail.

Personally, I would want a “joint fund” which you both pay into in amounts that you both think are fair which pays for bills and normal outings. But also you both keep hold of some money so you can sometimes “treat each other”. Money in the joint fund is seen as joint not yours or his.

Why don’t you have a joint bank account? You’ve been together years, he’s clearly not with you for your money if you go 50:50.

Are you not a couple and therefore everything is shared - bills, property, savings?

she's paying a mortgage on a house she owns on her own. I would probably not pay someone else's mortgage that i was in a romantic relationship with either to be honest? Paying rent to a lover ?? Buying part of a house for 20% of the mortgage period with no claim on it - it doesn't sound like either of you are very committed to be honest.

How does this work? If you get invited to a nice restaurant as a couple, do you not go (as he can’t afford it) or do you go on your own? What about hols? Do you go cheaper than you could or do you go on additional holidays alone?

All seems a bit strange? I think that living together implies a degree of sharing. Does not have to be exactly 50/50 but the richer party should allow the poorer party access to the same lifestyle. Otherwise you are not really a coupe at all.

But he should be saving the money he doesn't spend on housing costs, not spending it on expensive means and holidays to keep up with you.
I do think you should pay for more of the social stuff actually. He's not just a boyfriend he's a partner. Presumably you want to do the expensive meals and holidays you can 'easily afford'? Meaning he has to stretch himself to keep up with you? Not fair.

LOL, I've just read the other thread as well and it's hilarious how the responses differ when the sexes are reversed for almost exactly the same set up.

In fact, someone once posted a similar thread that was carefully written to make it unclear as to which party was male and which was female and a lot of posters didnt know how to respond. It all turned into a bit of a bunfight and was deleted in the end.

I think these two threads may be deliberate....or is that troll hunting? They are mirror images of one another.

Surely if you live together and would like to do all these things, then it's cutting off your nose to spite your face to balk at paying for him, when you know he can't afford to spend the same.

You're supposed to be a team.

If there's other things wrong in the relationship, that make you resent him, that's different. But it looks like you're being miserly to me.

Here are some responses from the other very very similar thread

"It's an unfair situation. He's expecting you to pay half the bills but you earn less than him so you've I assume, not been able to save much for your own property?

The reason he pays the mortgage is so you have no claim which is his choice but she should, if he loves you, want you to also have security.

A nicer man would have insisted on you paying less towards bills etc so you could save for a nest egg."

"
But I can’t help feeling I’d be annoyed too if every time I went out. my partner was working out the cost of everything and asking me for half. Surely you should just be able to go for a bite to eat, jump in a taxi, grab a drink together and just enjoy yourselves with one of you getting the tab one time and sometimes the other person getting it without thinking it over? It would probably make me feel like it would suck the joy out of spontaneous things and feels a bit like he doesn’t think you’re worthy of treating."

" I wouldn't like to live with someone who is ungenerous, but everyone has a fault and there are worse.

It sounds like you should be planning your financial security as if you didn't have a partner though. Buy a house or something, because otherwise you are pretty exposed."

My situation with my partner is almost exactly the same - higher earner and both of us are SE. If you've read my threads you'll see my relationship is no model to follow so please don't, HOWEVER I do believe it terms pf finances in this situation the following should be taken into account:

• expectation according to income: i want a multi roomed house and days out that can be pretty expensive. Are you the same? If your DP (like mine) would be happy with chips in the park followed by a pint at the local but you're suggesting evenings at the theatre, even if he enjoys it, its not something he would have chosen himself in view of his budget. Same with the house. Are you still paying a mortgage? Would he have chosen to live somewhere like that if he hadnt met you? Or would he be living in a flat? For your holidays - are you eyeing up tours of Californian vineyards? I'm being facetious but you get me!

Its annoying but I do think you have to imagine if roles were reversed - what would the reaction be? I do think especially in your case after 6 years together, its fair that in a committed relationship one person isnt financially flailing while for the other its sunny days. My partner generally pays when we go out for a drink or if we go somewhere cheap to eat. If I want to go to a naice restaurant I pay, as its not a place thats in his budget.
Next weekend we're going to the theatre, which was my idea and its not something he would choose to do alone. I bought the tickets and he will do the driving.

I'm not sure where my relationship is headed atm but when we were planning on moving in together we were going to split the rent 1/3 to 2/3 in line with our incomes (and also I'm looking at big houses he wouldn't choose himself). At the moment he pays for his place and me mine, but I pay more for food and bills because hes basically unofficially moved in. Bills were going to be 50/50 out of a joint account and then days out etc I would imagine we would continue as we are. In short, I let him pay for cheap outings I know he would want to do anyway, and I pay when its above what he would normally go for.

Its true that if you were the man and he the woman, your relationship would be considered unequal. As women it is a tricky balance - protecting ourselves whilst also being fair.

Hope that helps you form a view.

I would think about having a joint account that you pay into for joint activities that is proportionate to your incomes. Your income should be calculated including (ie having deducted) your mortgage. Bills then from that.

What's your long term plan together? Do you plan to be together your whole lives? Marriage or children? I think if you're in a committed relationship and your dp earns less because he's in a less lucrative job, not because he's a slacker, then you should pay more. Why deprive both of you of the experiences you could afford? Are you saving your money for something in particular or just don't want to pay more than 50%?

I used to earn more than exh. I worked harder and subsidised his lower paying but v fun job. He had a lifestyle that way outstripped his means and I thought it didn't matter because we were a team and would rather do nice things with him than have loads in the bank while he was skint every month.
He went off with ow, got a higher paying job and supports her doing f.all while I just about make ends meet with minimum maintenance. In hindsight I paid childcare/holidays/shopping and he paid over 1k a year for his football season ticket . I was such a mug
The frustrating bit - if we get divorced he's in theory entitled to half of everything despite us always both working full time, me paying 75%+ of everything etc

OP keep saying you are supporting him with housing costs. Be selfish. If It's something you want to do e.g. holiday then pay for both of you but don't be a walkover

Is marriage and kids on the cards at all? Do you see this set-up staying the same for the next 10 years? I also wouldn't necessarily have a joint bank account and in your current set-up I wouldn't be keen to put him on the mortgage or have him start contributing to it in case of a break-up and he stakes a claim to your property.

I do think as you earn so much more than him perhaps you paying for an occasional weekend city break or a holiday is neither here nor there on your part

My dh earns way more than me. He pays the mortgage and all the bills. I pay for food and childcare (although since his latest pay rise he has started paying that too as I have changed jobs and now eaen less) .
We don't have a joint account but when out on days out who ever has the money at the time pays. And if I know my phone bill is due and I'm short he'll transfer money over without a thought or fill my car with fuel .
The money is family money not his and hers. In our eyes it doesn't matter whos bank iy comes from or who earns more.as we share it.
I think you should pay more, you'll both benefit by being able to do more nice things together.

I call bullshit on at least one of the threads...

But anyway, if he genuinely has no money, and it's not because he is pissing it up the wall or gambling, then why would you not want to do fun things more often by paying a bit more?

What do you do with all the money you save by not having holidays when you can afford it and he can't?

Well it all depends whether you love him and enjoy his company enough to subsidise him even more substantially than you already are. Do you think he works hard (albeit in a less lucrative job than yours)? Would you feel differently if you were married and are there any plans to do so?

Can’t you just pool your income and then neither of you would not be able to afford things.

I never understand the whole 50/50 thing. We pool our resources and everything comes out of that. Most of my friends do the whole 50/50 thing. They’re all skint and their husbands are rolling in it, they have to ‘borrow’ money from them. I just don’t get that in a partnership.
Marriage has nothing to do with it either we’ve done this since we lived together.

It depends how you want your relationship to be? It depends if you see your self as to seperate people or a joint partnership. My ex wife never earnt much. But we were a team and what was mine was hers. My current girlfriend doesn't earn as much as me, I earn a few times in excess of her. She pays her way and that is important to her. But if we want a nice time away etc, I'll front up more of the costs as we would not be able to if it was 50/50. I don't mind at all. No wrong or right model I'd say. It's always going to difficult is you have a dp who earns a lot less but you still see it as a 50/50 (to be fair in reality you all ready give more in terms of providing the housing etc). But interestingly I have seen of conversation where if you reversed the genders some may see you as financially abusive (comes up a lot on here). It's your money share it more unevenly or not. Unfortunately sometimes relationships come to a sticking when it come to bounderies that can not be resolved.

Either you're a couple with pooled money or you're not.

If you are a couple with pooled money, then it's all shared between you. Pool the money, pay the bills, split the difference to spend. Sometimes you use that difference money to 'treat' the other person, that still feels nice even though it's all shared.

There may be specific expenses you wouldn't need if you're alone - bigger house, more expensive insurance because of some hobby or health difficulty - that's part of the sharing business. It's the costs of you as a couple living the life you want to live.

Obviously if a person is extravagant beyond what you can afford, there needs to be some negotiation. But honestly, his life sounds a bit crap. I'm actually not a fan of cohabitation for this reason - just moving in with someone tends to happen too early before anyone's ready to open up their bank accounts to each other, and you end up in this sort of situation.

Doing it by percentage wages is a trap IMO, or at least it only works if you live the life of a person earning the lowest wage. I've been in this situation. If a person earning £16K and a person earning £100K are together, then percentages of a week's camping in Dorset is fine, but percentages of a week in a hotel in France are still going to render the £16K person broke. I came out of a relationship based on this principle with a huge debt because he wanted to live the life of a person earning his wage and why shouldn't he, but I couldn't afford to keep contributing to eating out etc even at the small proportions I paid.