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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this love or just controlling and needy?

83 replies

SkinnyProsecco · 16/11/2017 17:45

Some examples of my partners behaviour that I'm struggling to work out as the title says... (been together 2.5years)

  • wanting to do everything together
  • often feels put out if I do something without him
  • also often feels put out if I don't text much during the day or put enough kisses on text messages
  • makes comments such as "that wasn't me, that was probably your other boyfriend"
  • occasionally will wake me up in the night or early morning for a kiss or cuddle ... then doesn't understand why I'm a bit miffed at being woken up!

Could probably think of more but these are the main ones. It's always said to be because he loves me so much but from talking to friends and reading threads on here I'm beginning to wonder.....

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 16/11/2017 17:46

Yes controlling.

What are you going to do about it?

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 16/11/2017 17:47

Controlling.....my daughter has just come out of a long term controlling relationship, he will get worse.

Original poster
SkinnyProsecco · 16/11/2017 17:52

Face facts I suppose, it has started to become a little suffocating recently. But then other people say "oh he just really loves you, don't pass that up for someone who doesn't care"
He is a lovely guy, don't get me wrong which makes it difficult. I think he is insecure

OP posts:
ZeroFeedback · 16/11/2017 17:52

- wanting to do everything together Controlling and needy

- often feels put out if I do something without him Needy and Controlling

- also often feels put out if I don't text much during the day or put enough kisses on text messages Controlling and Needy

- makes comments such as "that wasn't me, that was probably your other boyfriend" I do this (as does DW) but, given the above, Needy and Controlling

- occasionally will wake me up in the night or early morning for a kiss or cuddle ... then doesn't understand why I'm a bit miffed at being woken up! depends on how often and what you really mean by "kiss or cuddle" but, given the above - Controlling and Needy

I think most people would have traits, habits or beliefs that their partner would see as "In Love but a bit Needy"

Having loads of them and not understanding (or caring) the impact they have on your partner makes them ... Needy and Controlling

LesisMiserable · 16/11/2017 18:47

Painfully insecure - but not unlike a lot of women who post on MN about lack of texts , attention etc. You can't cure him of insecurity. Unless you're dodgy its in his head.

AdalindSchade · 16/11/2017 18:51

It's not lovely or loving to harass you during the day, disrupt your sleep and control where you go and who you see. It's domestic abuse.

Seeingadistance · 16/11/2017 18:54

Controlling and needy. And I came here to post that after reading your title alone. Further information only confirmed what I, and much more importantly, you already knew.

It's easy for friends to say, oh, but he's being lovely. They're not living with these behaviours.

And messing with your sleep is seriously fucked up.

AufderAutobahn · 16/11/2017 18:56

Controlling and needy.. Sorry. You can do better than this.

LesisMiserable · 16/11/2017 18:57

Well its not fucked up really is it, its a question of personal perspective, I'm in love with my husband and if he wakes me up for a cuddle, I'm cuddling right back. The op doesnt like it, fair enough. Doesnt mean he's controlling. The other stuff though, is all borne of insecurity as I said.

Golondrina · 16/11/2017 18:58

He wakes you up in the night "for a kiss and cuddle"?! WTAF? Don't you want to cut his balls off for that? That's mental.

Pollydonia · 16/11/2017 18:58

Controlling, definitely.
My dh really loves loves me ( been together 26 years)
No need to text unless we have something to tell each other.
We often do things without each other
If he tried to wake me up for a kiss ( which he wouldn't) he would get a mouthful- I'm not nice when I wake up Wink.
So are you going to address this controlling behaviour ?

userxx · 16/11/2017 19:13

I think you know the answer already.

Original poster
SkinnyProsecco · 16/11/2017 19:13

You're all just confirming what I already know really. It's just hard sometimes to put things into perspective and to realise maybe it isn't normal. Especially when the person you're with is otherwise really loving and would do anything for you

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 16/11/2017 19:33

It is not loving though, to behave like that. Doesn't even respect your right to sleep at night.
Tip of the iceberg.

Hermonie2016 · 16/11/2017 19:36

Loving behaviour is putting your needs first.His behaviour is putting his needs and wants at the centre.

It's also a bit manipulative if he dresses it up as "cos I love you so much".

If he loved you he really would want you to be happy.

MrsMozart · 16/11/2017 19:40

Gosh if my OH was waking me in the night for anything other than serious illness or fire, then they'd be wishing they hadn't...

As for the being poked about texts and communications during the day - that can bob right off as well. The more someone grabs hold the more likely I am to exit stage left.

robotsmania · 16/11/2017 19:59

Argh OP that point about waking you up at night gave me the serious chills. It's actually quite common for controlling men to mess with your sleep.
I suppose you could do the ultimate test: talk to him about it- and explain why he has to stop doing it. If he listens to you, respects you, says he's sorry (rather than justifying his behaviour) and crucially never does it again, then that might be ok. But otherwise it's all a bit unsettling.

Goldmandra · 16/11/2017 19:59

The problem is that he makes you responsible for his feelings. He wants you to text him all the time, spend every waking hour with him, be willing to wake up at any time to demonstrate your affection for him and even wants to dictate how many kisses you put on your texts. Most people would realise that those things are unreasonable and have a modicum of control.

He doesn't feel the need to moderate his behaviour. He uses emotional blackmail to make you comply with his unreasonable requests. You are responsible for making him happy by complying with his demands.

It is likely that you will soon start to be criticised for liking your own friends because it makes him feel left out, for talking to other men because he's worried they might fancy you, spending you money how you want because he thinks you could make better decisions, etc.

I would walk away from the relationship right now. If you can't do that, you need to start telling him to take responsibility for his own feelings and moderate his own behaviour to the point where it is reasonable. Whatever you do, don't go down the slippery slope of trying to make things right for him because the more you do, the more he will demand.

Please re-consider whether this is the right relationship for you.

NotTheFordType · 16/11/2017 20:05

There was you thinking you were his partner - but actually you're his teddy bear.

Bin.

Whinesalot · 16/11/2017 20:08

It's not his actual behaviour - after all some women would like all that attention - it's how he responds if you tell him to knock it off, or if you don't react positively.

Original poster
SkinnyProsecco · 16/11/2017 20:21

Very insightful comments, has really made me think quite a bit.

OP posts:
User452734838 · 16/11/2017 20:25

Reading that I'm surprised you had to ask!

Original poster
SkinnyProsecco · 16/11/2017 20:36

I know, but it was easy for me to accept it as loving behaviour til I mentioned it to others and they commented.
He's so great in other ways that I couldn't possibly believe he could be controlling. But now I am

OP posts:
No2baking · 16/11/2017 20:42

Oh god... I relate to a few of those Confused

  • wanting to do everything together
Well not everything but lots.. esp before bump arrives
  • also often feels put out by not enough kisses on text messages
If I have the hump with him he gets less etc and same back..
  • occasionally will wake me up early morning for a kiss or cuddle ... then doesn't understand why I'm a bit miffed at being woken up!
He can normally sleep for 12 hours, I’m a 6-7 hours.. so not great for morning fun unless I wake him Blush

I’m blaming the hormones for now Grin

Goldmandra · 16/11/2017 21:27

Oh god... I relate to a few of those

The important thing is whether you make him responsible your emotions, give him a hard time if he doesn't want to wake up, complain if there aren't enough kisses on the text message or sulk if he wants a night out with his mates.

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