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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this love or just controlling and needy?

83 replies

SkinnyProsecco · 16/11/2017 17:45

Some examples of my partners behaviour that I'm struggling to work out as the title says... (been together 2.5years)

  • wanting to do everything together
  • often feels put out if I do something without him
  • also often feels put out if I don't text much during the day or put enough kisses on text messages
  • makes comments such as "that wasn't me, that was probably your other boyfriend"
  • occasionally will wake me up in the night or early morning for a kiss or cuddle ... then doesn't understand why I'm a bit miffed at being woken up!

Could probably think of more but these are the main ones. It's always said to be because he loves me so much but from talking to friends and reading threads on here I'm beginning to wonder.....

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 16/11/2017 21:51

He sounds horrendous. Suffocating, controlling & needy.

Bin him off

ILoveDolly · 16/11/2017 22:06

It doesn't sound great tbh
My husband and I rarely text each other in the day unless we need to convey information. It'll end -maybe- with a kiss face or hearts but not sent for that reason.
We have nights out without each other.
Obviously at the beginning of a relationship things are more Lovey Dovey but none of these behaviours are healthy. I can't be doing with all that claustrophobic insecurity, I dumped a boyfriend of 1 year for accusing me of sleeping around (because I went abroad to language school and Italians "are sexy").
Do not continue a relationship with someone who does not trust you or take account of your basic needs (such as sleep privacy)

Queenofthedrivensnow · 16/11/2017 22:50

Exp did most of this and the relationship frankly made me ill

Shoxfordian · 17/11/2017 07:33

Its emotionally abusive behaviour

pickleface · 17/11/2017 07:37

Omg is he my ex husband?

pickleface · 17/11/2017 07:41

My exh would do Al of the above. He would sit with me whilst I had a bath or go to the loo. He'd take me to work and pick me up. I had my own car. I thought I was so lucky. I still find it difficult to think bad of him but sabotaging my career was the final nail in the coffin.

Original poster
SkinnyProsecco · 17/11/2017 07:48

Oh dear. Not looking good then! I know what I have to do, just difficult

OP posts:
Leviticus · 17/11/2017 07:49

Neediness is so unattractive. This would totally piss me off.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/11/2017 07:56

It depends. Personally I agree with the pp who said he sees you as a teddy bear rather than an actual human being, BUT: is he quite young? Have you told him in no uncertain terms which behaviours are unacceptable, and if so has he even tried to take your comments on board? People can learn better ways of relating to each other - but only if they want to. You are reluctant to bin him, so give him that chance; if he goes all huffy rather than making a genuine effort to ease up, then bin.

Just imagine, another 30 years of disturbed sleep #shudder#

Dadaist · 17/11/2017 08:42

Ok - so being ‘needy’ is not the same thing as being ‘controlling’ - and he isn’t displaying controlling behaviours that I detect - rather - he is insecure. This may well be down to his own issues and he should probably seek counselling to consider his insecure attachment style.
The question is why he should feel the need for reassurance? Is it him or your relationship?
If you are giving off signals that you can take him or leave him - and he is in love with you - then there is your problem right there! We all respond differently when we are more attracted to someone than they are to us, but it brings out the worst in us. Some people become jealous, some become aggressive, some withdraw or fluctuate wildly, and some hang around and follow the other person around and try too hard etc etc. And similarly we all respond differently when someone needs reassurance- some respond openly and generously while others fear being manipulated, or controlled as they struggle to meet a perceived ‘need’in someone else due to their own issues.

So - I think you need to discuss your feelings for him and his insecurity issues and stop looking for the evil controlling narcissist in him. It’s not just ‘in him’ it’s what your relationship brings out in both of you.

Trills · 17/11/2017 08:43

Some people might like the waking up for a cuddle thing, or would like to do everything together.

But you don't, so it doesn't matter what they would like.

I don't think anyone would like to be complained at for not putting enough xs on a text message.

EvieBlack · 17/11/2017 08:46

“But then other people say "oh he just really loves you, don't pass that up for someone who doesn't care"

You know they’re not the only two options right?

Whinesalot · 17/11/2017 08:55

Yes you need to give him a chance if you haven't already done so and spell it out to him how it makes you feel. If you've never given him an inkling that you don't like most of the behavior then he's not to be totally blamed. It's more of a communication issue between you both. If however you've repeatedly told him and he hadn't changed anything or has given you a hard time or "poor me " attitude then get rid asap.

In the future read up on effective communication in relationships. You need to be able to tell partners how you feel and know that those feelings will be acknowledged and respected in the main. Not being able to do this or walking on eggshells is the sign of an unhealthy relationship.

reachforthestarseveryday · 17/11/2017 08:57

He sounds very insecure. Or controlling. Only you know the difference, OP - you know him. We don't.

But behaving like this will just push you away.

If you love him and think he can change, talk to him. Tell him you feel suffocated, controlled, under pressure. Tell him you can't be everything to him - no person can be everything to anyone else! He neds to ge a life, see friends, do things for himself.

If he won't or can't change, then you have your answer.

reachforthestarseveryday · 17/11/2017 08:57

X-posted with whinesalot.

PrimusInterPares · 17/11/2017 09:02

Sounds awful actually! If it were me, I would leave him for just the first thing on your list!
Totally suffocating. And ridiculous.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/11/2017 09:11

His behaviour towards you prosecco is controlling and controlling behaviour is abusive in nature. He needs to be gone from your life asap.

Abuse also is not about communication or a lack of; its about power and control. Abusive relationships are also void of communication.

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/11/2017 09:15

Especially watch out for the 'that must be your other boyfriend' remarks.

Before long, they start to turn nasty, accusative and can result in stalking. Be careful how you break up with him (if you do), because he may well accuse you of running off to another man, and try to prove himself correct.

CatalpaTree · 17/11/2017 09:17

I’ve got pregnancy insomnia at the moment.

I love my DH completely and do everything I can not to wake him when I’m awake, even though he’s told me a hundred times to wake him if I want to in the night as he feels bad that I have to feel so rubbish for us to have a child.

That’s us both showing each other real love I think, quite different from what you describe.

Original poster
SkinnyProsecco · 17/11/2017 12:16

Have just sat and read through all your replies, thank you for taking the time to write them. This has actually been really helpful.
I have tried, for example, to say "I'm not Ready to wake up yet" and usually get a huff and then he will get up. I try and make subtle comments.
Will talk to him properly and see what happens. Am sure he will say it is my fault, that I don't show him enough affection etc. He quite often reminds me I will not find someone who loves me like he does and I do wonder if I will

OP posts:
reachforthestarseveryday · 17/11/2017 12:18

He quite often reminds me I will not find someone who loves me like he does and I do wonder if I will

Red flag. He's gaslighting you. Are you happy with the way he 'loves' you?? No, you're posting about it on MN.

If you and he split up you may well find a man who DOESN'T do all those things.

Talk to him, OP.

sadcaptains · 17/11/2017 12:39

He quite often reminds me I will not find someone who loves me like he does and I do wonder if I will

The other things you posted made me think perhaps he's just very insecure rather than controlling, but what you said above is definitely emotionally abusive behaviour, OP.

Dadaist · 17/11/2017 12:40

OP - many people on here give advice as it relates to their Ex. Your DH is not their ex. So for what it’s worth-your focus on behaviour is only part of the issue - a symptom. Other behaviours will bubble up in their place. The cause is the relationship dynamic between you. He is desperately unhappy and insecure and you are being driven away - creating more anxiety in him and further withdrawal by you.
If (IF!) you want to fix this - you need to discuss his fears and yours honestly. The behaviours are making life intolerable-but the causes are his attachment and seeming need to drift toward codependency and your understandable resistance to that. But if he has every reason to feel insecure in the relationship because of the way you now feel then you won’t be able to provide the reassurance he seeks to begin to work on himself either - and it could make things worse. So maybe start slow and stick to motives and behaviours that reveal what is going on emotionally? Good luck OP

Original poster
SkinnyProsecco · 17/11/2017 12:44

Thanks dadaist
Your comment previously was very helpful too - I think you have hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 17/11/2017 12:57

He's so great in other ways that I couldn't possibly believe he could be controlling.

Controllers and abusers have to have some redeeming features otherwise they'd never keep anyone on the hook. I'd suggest that, rather than worrying too much about how to categorise and explain his behaviour, you focus on how you feel. Clearly you are not happy and that is the most pertinent thing, don't lose sight of that. Where you go from here is up to you. You could try talking to him, explain how you feel and see if he is willing to change. Don't hold your breath though. Chances are he will try and deflect much of it back on you, make it your fault not his. Or he may make an effort to change but look out for him reverting back to type. Put yourself first and, as I said above, focus on how you feel, not how he says you should feel.

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