Is this love or just controlling and needy?

[SkinnyProsecco]

Some examples of my partners behaviour that I'm struggling to work out as the title says... (been together 2.5years)

• wanting to do everything together
• often feels put out if I do something without him
• also often feels put out if I don't text much during the day or put enough kisses on text messages
• makes comments such as "that wasn't me, that was probably your other boyfriend"
• occasionally will wake me up in the night or early morning for a kiss or cuddle ... then doesn't understand why I'm a bit miffed at being woken up!

Could probably think of more but these are the main ones. It's always said to be because he loves me so much but from talking to friends and reading threads on here I'm beginning to wonder.....

I’m with Dadaist. It doesn’t sound abusive to me, just the behaviour of someone with an attachment issue. Depends whether he can gain insight on this and you can both work towards making the relationship more pleasant. Would he go for therapy?

He quite often reminds me I will not find someone who loves me like he does

The correct response to the above is obviously "Thank fuck for that!" What you want is to find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved, surely?

t doesn’t sound abusive to me, just the behaviour of someone with an attachment issue

Attachment issue? That is a disorder in children, not for a grown up.

How does "that wasn't me, that was probably your other boyfriend" show an attachment issue? Fucks sake. This is not an attachment issue! This is controlling behaviour by a grown man.

He quite often reminds me I will not find someone who loves me like he does and I do wonder if I will

That would be a plus no? I hope don’t find someone who loves you like he does - it’s obsessive and suffocating.

For me, it's one thing to think 'she will never find someone who loves her like I do' and quite another to actually say it to another person. The first thing is insecurity. The second is controlling. Why should he want her to believe that no one else will ever love her like he does? And of course she can find someone who loves her like he does - the world is full of men, at least some of whom will love you...

Really, who cares whether it is coming from insecurity or a need to control? Actually I'm not convinced those are really all that different, it would make sense to me that the need to control comes from a place of insecurity. The point is, how it impacts on you and how he responds when you ask him to not do .

For example, i normally sleep well and have no problem being woken up, coz i can function, even make a cup of tea and fall back asleep again. I live to do this, when DH is leaving early to catch a plane, The important point is that we agree in advance whether I am going to wake up to see him off the premises, or whatever it is. If i have an early start, too, then probably wouldn't do it, on a Saturday with no work to go to, brilliant. If he were doing this on a day when I needed to get up and go to work, well, lets just say I would make clear that that is not acceptable.

If he didn't believe me, and persisted, that would be that for me. If he grumbled about it, wow, he would be out so fast he really wouldn't know what hit him. For me, this demonstrates healthy boundaries. It's not the actual thing happening , it's how it impacts on you and how he reactions when you explain Only you can know that, so one chance then...curtains.

Resistance to your opinion is a red flag that is really very, very red indeed.

Attachment issue? That is a disorder in children, not for a grown up.

Attachment disorder is a lifelong condition meaning you are unable to build healthy attachment relationships. It is caused in babyhood and doesn't get better.

OP, I agree with dadaist's posts to an extent and it is always good to consider things from all angles. Whether this is abuse or simple insecurity depends will affect how he responds to you not doing what he wants.

If he acknowledges your right to sleep undisturbed, go out with your friends and decide the format of your own texts and accepts that he is being unreasonable but struggling perhaps it is worth exploring the relationship further.

However, if his only thought is for his own feelings/needs and making sure they are your priority, putting your right to sleep when you need to after his right to seek affection when it suits him, that's a very different matter.

Telling you that nobody else could love you is a classic abuser's strategy. It's about eroding your self esteem so that you put up with whatever behaviour they decide to impose on you and you will accept it because you think there is no escape and no alternative. You think this is better than nothing and hang on to the good memories, hoping that those times will happen more, if you could only get things right more often. People who are subjected to this behaviour begin to believe that they are worthless and unlovable and the situation becomes inescapable.

There is a danger that, in the process of trying to identify whether the problem is with him or with the relationship, you could get caught up in blaming yourself (with his assistance) and become unable to walk away. If you see that coming, you need to step away from the relationship, even just for a few weeks so you can look at it in retrospect.

You may not have described abusive behaviour in your posts but many people in abusive relationships don't see it until after they have left. Sometimes it's easier to explain a certain behaviour that is clearly unreasonable while at the same time being unable to identify or describe others that are more subtle and more abusive at the same time.

However silly this may sound, I am actually a little overwhelmed at how many people have taken the time to write such considerate posts! Really interesting to read. I feel as if I have had a therapy session!

I can see both slants. He is very insecure but I am starting to wonder how long I can put up with having to justify everything to remedy this.
He would be horrified if he knew I'd written this post and thought of him like this.
We have had chats before about doing things apart and he usually says something along the lines of "I always thought partners wanted to do everyThing together"
He often says he doesn't mind me seeing my friends etc but I beg to differ in the way he then acts - which is surely more important than his words.

No partners shouldn’t want to do everything together. It’s like having a child, does he follow you to the toilet?

"he usually says something along the lines of "I always thought partners wanted"....

He does realise youre a separate, real person? Its a very immature attitude to relationships to start with what you think a partner wants first, and THEN try to fit the person you have into that mould. He thinks hes ultra-loving because hes giving you what he wants from you - total 110% attention and availability all of the time.

That actually fits with everything else youve said about him, that he knows what he wants in a "perfect partner" and is expecting you to fill that role - "well, I want to cuddle you at 4am and the Perfect Partner would love that", "the Perfect Partner would always put at least 3 xxxs on their messages", "the Perfect Partner would rather spend time with me than their friends".

Only you know whether there is any chance for you to sit him down and explain youre a real girl, not a girlfriend doll, and for there to be any chance of him actually getting it or not. He doesnt sound actually abusive to me, but he sounds so insecure and immature that hes acting in an abusive way and its having the same impact on you that it would if he was doing it all intentionally.

StormTreader I definitely think you're right.
I am going to talk to him, I have to.

People like this rarely change Skinny. It's part of their make up. It is unlikely to her better and if you have children with this man, it will almost certainly get worse.

The question is why he should feel the need for reassurance? Is it him or your relationship?
If you are giving off signals that you can take him or leave him - and he is in love with you - then there is your problem right there! We all respond differently when we are more attracted to someone than they are to us, but it brings out the worst in us. Some people become jealous, some become aggressive, some withdraw or fluctuate wildly, and some hang around and follow the other person around and try too hard etc etc. And similarly we all respond differently when someone needs reassurance- some respond openly and generously while others fear being manipulated, or controlled as they struggle to meet a perceived ‘need’in someone else due to their own issues.

I would beware of trying to get too involved in trying to understand his insecurities as detailed in this post. It is NOT your problem if he is emotionally damaged, and you should not have to change how you behave in order to consider his reactions to the way that you - as a person - naturally 'give off'. That is the start of the slippery slope of molding yourself into someone you are not, just to prevent his sulking or kicking off because you are not behaving the way that he wants. Some people like/need the feeling they get from effacing themselves totally in front of the needs of another, but if you are normal and healthy then you will be repulsed by that.

From what you have described, he has little tor no regard for and no interest in you as the person you are. You are the person who will add as many XXXs as they feel like or don't feel like at the moment.

He is enormously interested in and involved with someone you are not. You are not someone who adds 20 XXXs every time as if to prove something.

Two people who really love each other, love the other person, not their ideal of a perfect partner. It is a relationship of equals. Compromise when needed is to the benefit of both, not one.

I hope don’t find someone who loves you like he does - it’s obsessive and suffocating.

Seconded

Sorry but I can’t get past him waking you for a cuddle second time that happened to me I would be dumping. Although I don’t think anyone would try that a second time...

I've just been thinking about the kisses on the texts thing.

If my DH sends me a text with a kiss on the end that's great. If he doesn't, I might read into it that he's put out about something or that he's just in a hurry. I might explore later whether there was an issue I didn't know about if it played on my mind. I wouldn't actually mention the lack of kisses though.

The very last thing that would occur to me would be to set out my expectation of how many kisses he should use and be off with him if he failed to live up to this expectation.

I don't want my DH to put kisses on a text because he'd get grief or be made to feel guilty if he didn't. That renders the kisses meaningless and sending them a chore, not an expression of love.

If someone is more interested in controlling how you express your affection than in whether that expression is genuine, you have a huge problem.

Just sounds insecure. I don't see any abuse here. If you otherwise get on, it might be worth working on the dynamic, getting some counselling etc. If you're generally unsure about him or have gone past the point of caring, then move on.

he seems like someone not to be in a relationship maybe he is just insecure but it mannifests it self in controlling behavior so however he rationilises his creepy behaviour is irrelevant and he needs counselling to stop his actions im not saying he had bad intentions but people as needy as him cant be in a healthy relationship

If ANYONE woke me up for anything other than a fire, that would be the (bitter) end.

Yes that sounds too needy. I’d be totally honest with him and take it from there. Say, it’s suffocating. If he doesn’t stop it, you’ll end up dreading seeing him eventually.

Insecure, needy, controlling, using some text book abuser statements - fk talking to him, trying toreador with him ... Ime you may as we'll go and talk to a wall. These sorts of people do not change. You will be wasting your time, energy and emotion. Sorry op but my strong advice is to bail, it will only stay the same or get worse, I'd put money on it

Sorry typos! Reason with him

I agree with merville
It’s not needy, it’s controlling. The comment that you won’t find anyone else who loves you like he does is straight from the abusers script.

Will talk to him and update you!

I hope you can sort this out, one way or another.